


Naked

by shadow_cube



Series: More Than Appearances [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Family Angst, Family Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, POV Alternating, Romance, Self-Acceptance, Self-Destruction, Self-Discovery, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-05-20 16:56:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 58,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14898401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_cube/pseuds/shadow_cube
Summary: It was impulsive, greedy, animalistic, the way that she took hold of Kenny’s face.  She had to prove to him—if not herself—that she was worthy of being seen as attractive.  That her body, with all of its scars and imperfections, was still precious and worthwhile of being loved.  Beneath her sad lips, she felt a smile on his face widen.“Relax, Heidi,” he whispered sweetly, “I’m not going anywhere."





	1. Freshman Year Part One; Worthless

    Heidi walked back to her seat, leaving the front of her class speechless.  She wore a bright smile on her face, proud of herself for being able to deliver such a powerful presentation.  Practicing for the past month had paid off.  Well, the past three years.  She always gave the same speech during the month of September.  Always with the same response.  Finding her seat in the back of the classroom, her bright smile started fading away as her teacher praised her work.  The sweet words falling on deaf ears.  Eric Cartman spoke up, dismissing Heidi’s speech as lame. 

    When he had gone around their elementary school four years prior, saying that he was going to kill himself, he had to beg and plead with anyone to give him attention.  Not that what he was doing was wrong—many children and teens came together to help one another.  Awareness spread through Park County like wildfire.  Many people got the help they needed.  It just was all about Cartman.  Everything was always about Cartman.  Heidi, however, did not need to rely on gaudy presentations, catchy songs sung throughout the hallways, jabbing at a specific significant other.  No, her speeches were factual, heartbreaking, incredibly real, as if she spoke from experience.

    Cartman had continued to yell and scream during the class, soon causing an uproar of protest from Kyle.  Heidi felt her head fall quietly to her desk as she kept her attention to the scene outside the class window.  The leaves had started turning to bright oranges, golden yellows, and crimson reds.  As the soft wind blew through the branches, it easily plucked the dying leaves from their home.  Drifting softly to the ground, all Heidi could see was bleak darkness.  She could feel her breathing starting to catch in her throat, her thoughts taking hold and planting themselves deeply in the darkest parts of her mind.

    It never failed to amuse her that her yearly speech of suicide prevention would carry weight with the student body for a week or so before everyone would become wrapped up in the next cause.  Though her passionate words would incite more to come forward with their thoughts of ending their pain, no one ever asked Heidi how she was doing.  That was all she wanted.  She saw the irony in her work, closely resembling that of her ex-boyfriend.  But, she was different.  At least, that was what she wanted to believe.

    Beside her, Heidi could hear the soft snores of Kenny McCormick.  He never failed to fall asleep as soon as class started.  She thought it was amazing that he had managed to make it high school with how he dismissed all of his classwork.  His gentle breaths were fleeting and welcoming.  The distraction from her inner workings exhilarating.  Though only for a moment, the voice in the back of her mind that screamed whenever she was alone was silenced.  Her lashes touched for a second as a hopeful tear fell from her eyes.  The voice began to whisper.  _No one wants you here.  You burned so many bridges with your friends.  With the boys in your class.  There’s no doubt they think you’re a slut.  Dating them left and right.  Getting back together with Cartman so many times was a mistake, you idiot.  How long did you two date?  Like, a few years?  You got so fat.  So ugly._   It laughed at her.  _You turned into such a bitch.  You could have saved yourself when you dated Kyle.  You actually had a shot.  But, why did you end it?  Oh, that’s right.  He was too good for you.  Everyone is too good for you._   Stop it, she demanded.

    She could feel her eyes close tighter as the voice grew louder.  _God, can you be any more of a failure?  Your grades are slipping.  Your future dwindling._  Stop it.  _You know why they are always so quiet after your stupid talks?  Because, they just want you to shut up.  Do you know how annoying you are?  You squeal and squeal.  It sounds like nails against a chalkboard when you speak._   Stop it.  _Maybe if you had the balls to actually cut deep enough, they would replace your voice with something a bit more soothing at your funeral.  Just imagine it.  Angelic voice-overs reading your suicide note.  Maybe.  I mean, would anyone care to read your pitiful note?  It’s not like anyone cares about your cries for help.  Why would anyone care about your death?_

    “I need to go to the bathroom,” Heidi spoke loudly as she stood in her seat.  From beside her, an orange overcoat shifted uncomfortably.  _There you go again.  Such a bother._   With permission, her feet carried her out the door as normally as she could.  Her face was flat.  Nothing to give away what she was feeling.  _That’s right.  Hide it all away.  No one wants to see your ugly face.  Smile, like a good girl_.  Heidi felt the small tug at the corners of her mouth as her hand grabbed the doorway for support.  Her steps echoed out into the hallway as the sounds of her classmates and teachers drifting away.  There was a murmur to Kenny, no doubt a reprimand for sleeping.  She glanced around quickly, making sure that there was no one else around.  When Heidi felt like she was alone, her steps ran towards the closest bathroom. 

    The grain of the wooden door felt rough against her hand.  For a second, Heidi stopped before entering her refuge.  Her false nails ran the length of a small section of the door.  She felt the hitching of square acrylic against the paneling.  Something about the way it sounded in her ears was oddly relaxing.  But, as always, this moment of relaxation and calm would not last long.  _Quit wasting time.  You only have a few minutes before the teacher starts to wonder what happened to you.  Hurry up!_   Heidi flinched as the scream brought her back to what she was going to do.

    Just a little bit.  Then she could carry on with the rest of her day, pretending that everything was fine.  She was fine.  She was always fine.  Cautiously, she entered the bathroom.  Her steps sounded lightly in the abandoned lavatory.  Though Heid was almost completely positive she was alone, she still peeked underneath each stall just to make sure.  She breathed a heavy sigh of relief as she walked to the furthest stall, locking the door behind her.

    Sitting on the porcelain bowl, the voice whispered to her again.  _Now, come on.  We both know you’ll feel better once you see your breakfast again.  Or, what’s left of it anyway.  Is there anything left?  Tell me you have you it in you._   Hands shaking, Heidi softly patted the pockets of her pants, ridding her palms of sweat.  Get it over with.  Come on.  Slowly she scooted off the seat, crouching low to the ground.  She turned around, the smell of toilet water sickeningly stale.  Gripping the white glass, Heidi could feel her eyes roll to the back of her head, the back of her tongue reaching her throat.  Nothing.  _How could you be so stupid?_   The voice sighed heavily with disappointment.  _Well, you know what to do._   Tears brimmed her eyes lids as Heidi sat up, loosening her hold.  She watched as her right hand flattened, her mouth opening wide.  _Do it.  Come on.  Fucking do it!_

     The tips of her fingers stretched back so that it was just the ends of her acrylic nails resting on her flattened tongue.  _Do it, you coward!_   Her eyes closed tightly as tears streamed down her face.  Skin against teeth, her throat burning with bile.  _Nice going_ , the voice whispered disapprovingly.  Meager stomach contents filled the bowl, practiced silence breaking as she choked and coughed.  _Now everyone is going to hear you in the hallway.  So much for being secretive._ As Heidi slowly opened her eyes, her hand began to shake.  She felt weak, unsteady on the balls of her feet.  She spit into the water, blood from her esophagus mixing with saliva, watching as stomach acid separated.  Did she scratch her mouth while her fingers were down her throat?  _Probably.  You can’t do anything_.  Reaching for leverage, the cold of the porcelain toilet held her hand carefully.

    It burned.  Her nose was on fire as snot dripped down her face.  She sniffled, knowing that she would regret it.  _Such a failure.  Well, I guess this would be enough.  Clean yourself up.  You have to get back to class.  How embarrassing would it be if you caused a scene?_   Delicately, she brought her hand to her chest, cradling it as softly as she could.  Her teeth had scrapped her skin, making it irritated, red and sore.  Holding it out in front of her, she could see the flesh exposed.  Heidi winced in pain as a cool breeze fluttered around her.  She heard the click of the lock on the stall door as she stepped out, her face blank.  _You’re so worthless._   Before she knew it, the sound of water trickling out of the sink sung around her.  A momentary reprieve from the voice.  Heidi did not look at her reflection, knowing that if she did, there was a very real chance that she would become sick again—this time with self-hate.

    The cold water that poured out from the faucet cooled the fire that was beginning to consume her hand.  Her shoulders relaxed as she sniffled.  Blood from underneath her nails ran down the drain, diluted unsatisfactorily.  She needed to see the dark red of herself; if only to see that she was still alive.  Heidi smirked to herself.  How incredibly ironic.  _How incredibly typical._   The brief smile faded away.  _Make up your mind.  You either want to die.  Or you don’t.  It’s that simple.  You can’t have both_.  The steady stream of water stopped as she reached for paper towels.  Drying her hand, Heidi winced once more.  Taking a few extra to wrap her fingers, Heidi walked back towards the bathroom door, making sure to put on a happy face.  Her “everything is fine” face.  Her shoulder collided with the wooden door as the cold air from the hallways chilled her skin.  She held her hand close to her chest still, her left hand keeping a protective hold.  Her feet stumbled over each other.  _Can’t you get anything to work right?_   Heidi apologized to herself.

    Stepping out back into the rest of the school, she found herself just inches away from a bright orange jacket leaning casually against the wall.  Heidi felt her head tilt up anxiously, caught in the middle of her bathroom charade.  A tight lump emerged in her throat.  _Nice going.  Now he’s going to ask you about what you were doing._ Did you make sure to clean your face?  _Probably not.  How careless.  Put on your brave Heidi face.  Smile.  Don’t tell him anything.  God, you should have just taken care of yourself last night, like we planned.  But, no.  You just had to do your presentation today._   People need help, she thought.  _Okay, you’re right.  Some people do.  But, not you.  You’re beyond saving._   They stood in silence as if waiting for the other to speak or move out of the way.

    “Sorry, Kenny.  I didn’t see you there.”  Hesitantly, Heidi shuffled out of the way to walk back to class as the boy crossed his arms.  She tried stepping around him but was cut off by the extension of his leg.  She raised a brow as she looked back towards him.  “Um, did you need something?”  She asked softly.  Whenever she made eye contact with the poor blonde, his grey eyes sent a chill through her body.  They never showed any emotion, any sign of what he was thinking.  Kenny McCormick was an enigma.

    “You okay?”  He asked, his shrill voice slightly muffled by his collar turned up to cover half his face.  It took all of her years of training for Heidi to hide the shattering of her heart _.  Don’t you fucking dare break down._ She swallowed hard, hoping he would not notice.  Painting on a smile she replied.

    “Yeah, of course, Kenny.”  Her voice sounded raspy as she spoke.  She watched as his eyes scanned her body, his gaze resting on her hand still cupped close to her chest.

    “You should probably go to the nurse.  Those paper towels won’t do you any good.  They’re cheap.”

    “It’s fine.  It’s just a broken nail.  Nothing too serious.”  _What are you doing?  You can’t lie to save your life._  Kenny’s cold stare narrowed.  She felt a panic rise in her chest as she thought he would force her to go to the nurse.  “Honestly, it happens more than you think,” she pleaded.  Letting out a nervous chuckle she said, “I don’t even know why I keep getting my nails done.  But, I like them.”

     He pushed away from the wall, turning to head towards the principal’s office.   Leaving her alone, Heidi felt herself sigh.  _That was close.  Next time, don’t be so careless._   Her heart began to beat heavily against her chest as she turned back to head to class.

    “If you don’t want people to ask questions, you might want to wipe your face.  You can tell you’ve been crying.”  Heidi froze.  Her eyes grew wide with terror as she turned back around, only to see Kenny keep his pace towards the front office.  She felt her good hand reach towards her cheeks, the moisture from her tears still present.  Quickly, she got rid of any evidence she could that would tell anyone else that she was broken.

* * *

     The lunch bell for Heidi rang at the end of her third-period class.  After running into the McCormick boy earlier, she had found herself back in the bathroom, cleaning her face, reapplying make-up she kept in her pockets.  Just sample sizes that were small enough to carry on her person without her needing to have her purse.  What seemed like an eternity, had only been a few minutes.  When she returned back to her class, no one paid her any attention or asked if she was alright _.  No one cares.  Get that through your head._

    Her stomach growled in protest as she sat down at her usual table, nothing in front of her.  Before leaving for school that morning, she had eaten a skimpy amount of her breakfast, appeasing her parents.  If she failed to do so every morning, the brunette was sure that her parents would ask her questions.  She had to stay strong for them.  She could not let them know how much she hurt.  Would they even understand?  _Of course not._   She had to act normal.  Reaching school, she had made her way to the bathroom, purging the small contents of her stomach.  No one would hear her in the hallways; students always spoke too loud when they knew there would not be any repercussions.

    The clacking of lunch trays against the pressed wood of the lunch tables brought Heidi back to her friends.  _What friends?  You know, they still despise you right?  They only hang out with you to boost their own imagine.  Poor Heidi.  Boohoo._   Stop it.  She smiled brightly as Wendy, Bebe and Red sat down around her.  Nichole had been out that day, still trying to recover from the flu.  They had all filled their platters with fresh salads and fruits; Wendy had been adamant about them eating healthy for the sports they played.  Or maybe, it was to convince Heidi that she could eat.  _They.  Don’t.  Care._   The girls talked around her, their forks stabbing leafy greens, the crunch making Heidi’s mouth water.  She swallowed hard as her stomach roared.

    “You didn’t want to eat?”  Wendy asked, her face worried.  After the union that was Heidi and Cartman had broken up for the last and final time, she had stopped eating.  The pounds she had gained during their relationship melted away, and she was on her way to getting back to her slim figure.  Then she continued to waste away, becoming too thin.  But, when she had dated Kyle, he had helped her find comfort in eating again.  The weight came back.  Memories of the constant badgering about her weight from Cartman still fresh in her mind.  Soon after, Heidi started the vicious cycle of eating in public and purging in private.  Even going to more extremes and not eating for days at a time.  Until her parents found her passed out from exhaustion more than once.  They were concerned for their daughter—enrolling her into a program for eating disorders.  That helped.  Just like Kyle’s assistance, though, it too was temporary.

    “No, I haven’t been feeling well the past few days.”  There was a collective silence around her as her girlfriends looked at each other.  “Actually, I think I’m going to just head to the library.  I need to get some work done for an English paper.”  She gave them a weak smile as she stood eagerly.

    “After school, we were going to head to the mall.  Did you want to join us?”  Bebe offered, “Clyde said that he could probably give us a discount on some cute shoes.”

    “Yeah, maybe.  I need to ask my dad first.”  Heidi shot them another smile, hoping this one would be more convincing.  _They’re just taking pity on you.  They don’t care if you come._ As quickly as she could without catching the attention of other students, Heidi left the cafeteria.  In the hallways, some students lingered around.  Walking through them, she heard whispers.  Were they talking about her?  Could they see her stumble as her knees tried to carry her weight?  _They buckle because you’re such a fat ass._   _Good thing you didn’t eat._ Taking a deep breath, Heidi composed herself, wearing her characteristic smile.

    In the safety of the library, Heidi could feel her worries disappear.  The books that lined the walls spoke of stories she wanted to read.  They filled her with hope.  However, whenever the tips of her fingers touched the leather binding, it screamed.  _Romance?  Again?  We have been over this.  You have no place to read those books.  All they do is remind you of all the things that you don’t deserve._ Her face fell.  _Actually, pick up one or two.  You’ve been rather bigheaded lately._   Drawn to the classics, she pulled a collection of Shakespearean works.  _Yes, this will be perfect for you.  You remember Romeo and Juliet right?  They both dying at the end?_ It laughed at her as she thought of every scene.  _Wonderful_.

    With her hands full, she made her way to a back table.  No one would care to look for her there.  She sat in silence as she flipped through the thin pages carefully.  In the distance, a bell sounded, signaling to students to go to their next classes.  Her ears began to ring once the hallways outside the library settled down.  Her head began to bob up and down as she struggled to keep her focus.  Heidi felt her stomach squeeze tightly, crying out in pain.  She wanted to eat.  She knew she needed to.  Trying to keep others that filtered in and out of the reading room from hearing her insides protest, her hand rested carefully against the too large sweater.

    Just as the world around her began to fade away, a book fell onto the table in front of her.  Plastic crinkled loudly, falling to the table from an outstretched hand, as a flash of orange settled down in the chair opposite her.  Thin, easily ripped wrapping that could only hold sweet treats.  Quickly, her head looked up, mouth-watering uncontrollably as her eyes focused on a chocolate bar covered in brightly colored sprinkles called her name.  _Don’t even think about it.  Unless you want to go running to the bathroom again._   Heidi swallowed hard as she tried to look at the boy in front of her.  She was met with the same cold stare he had given her that morning in the hallway.

    Quickly, she buried her head in the story she had been attempting to read before.  Not that she could.  The voice in her head screamed at her as instinct yelled back, telling her she needed to eat.  _She needs to eat something.  It’s been weeks since she has kept anything down.  She doesn’t even remember what the last thing she honestly ate.  If she doesn’t get something soon, she's going to end up in the hospital again._   Painful memories flashed back to her; machines, wires, and tubes all monitoring her vital signs.  _So?  You think she cares?  She wants to waste away.  Why don’t we let her? She’s nothing but trash anyway._

    “Do you want some?”  Silence.  The voices went away.  “You can have a bite.  It’s not like it’s going to hurt you.”  Kenny’s voice was low as he prompted Heidi to take the delicacy.  _Not going to hurt you._   _What does he know?  If you take one, single, tiny bite, you’ll regret it._

    “No, it’s okay,” she whispered back.  Heidi lifted her head as she saw the librarian walk past them.  She raised a brow at Kenny.

    “I’m not going to eat it.”  A dead stare from the curator.  “Fine, it’s going in my pocket.”  Kenny raised his hands up in defeat, slowly putting away the temptation.  Heidi watched as the librarian resumed her duties of putting books away in their homes.  Left alone by themselves, Heidi went back to reading the same line over and over again.  But, the only thing she could think about was the round balls of sweetness on top of the cheap chocolate.  She felt her stomach rumble in protest.

    “You didn’t eat, did you?”  Kenny asked, flipping through a textbook.  Heidi felt her cheeks melt as his emotionless eyes looked at her for an instant.  He sighed.  From the tops of her eyelids, Heidi watched as Kenny pushed away from his book, standing to leave.  She was unsure why, but alone, she could feel her soul-crushing.  _See?  It’s no use getting attached to anyone.  Did you really think that he would be nice to you?  After the way Cartman talked about you?  After you broke up with Kyle?  Idiot._   She felt her head pick up, watching his slender frame walk out of the library.  Her chin began to tremble.

    _Don’t.  We’re in public.  If you cry here, people will come by and ask if you’re alright.  Then, they’ll start talking about how you broke down at school.  Not only will they ignore you, but their words of your incident will spread like a disease.  Do you want the school to call your parents?  They would be so ashamed of you._   Instantly, her tears dried up.  Her chin stopped quaking.  Defeat was just around the corner.  She could feel it.  Slowly, Heidi felt her head fall to the soft paper pages of her borrowed book as her eyes drifted closed.  Darkness filled everything around her, throwing her into a void.  Heidi felt the presence of the voice in her head slip away.  Just you wait, it whispered.  Even if she would be completely alone, the voice would not speak to her while she slept.

* * *

     “Heidi.  Wake up, school’s over.”  There was a warm hand that softly shook her.  It was comforting.  As it pulled away, she pleaded, needing it still.  Suddenly, a shiver ran up her spine.  How long had she been asleep?  She felt her eyes flutter as her hands ran over her hair, making sure that there was not a strand out of place.  The voice breathed down her back.  _You better prepare yourself for tomorrow morning.  Everyone is going to know about this._   Quickly, she gathered her things, not looking around to see who had waken her.  Wait.  Who shook her?  Her mind was a blur as she looked around timidly.  “When I came back, you had drifted off.  So I let you sleep.  It looked like you needed it.”  Behind her, Kenny stood, his hand inching away from her shoulder.

    “No, I had a paper to work on.  It’s due on Friday and I’ve barely started it.”  There was panic in her voice as Heidi spoke.

    “You mean the English paper assigned yesterday?”  Kenny walked around the table towards his things.  Heidi watched him move swiftly to his bookbag.  When she had fallen asleep, there was a single textbook in front of her.  Now, papers and pencils had been added to the collection.  She was surprised to see all of his belongings strung about haphazardly.  Only when her eyes rested on a small brown paper bag, did she speak again.

    “What’s that?”  Cautiously, she willed herself to look at Kenny who had now started putting books into his bag.  Was that a smile in his eyes?

    “You interested?”  There was a playful tone in the way that he asked.  Yes, Heidi was intrigued.  But, knowing what she did about Kenny, she was unsure if she wanted to see what was in the paper bag.  Noticing her discomfort, Kenny explained.  “Relax, it’s nothing that would get you in trouble.  I had some lunch left over.  Thought you would want some.”  _Go ahead, say that you want to devour everything inside.  I bet it’s empty, filled with nothing but air._

    “No,” she answered sheepishly.  “I’m not hungry.”

    “Uh-huh.  Well,” his bookbag flew over his shoulder, all of his belongings together in one place, “You can take it if you want.”  Her eyes darted back to the bagged lunch.  It was just inches away from her grasp.  All she had to do was reach out, and it was all hers _.  Go on.  Take it.  You know that if there is anything in there, and you eat it, there’s going to be hell to pay._   Under the table, her hands fidgeted together.  She was starving.  No. 

    “Thanks, Kenny.  I appreciate the gesture, but, I can’t take your lunch.”  She pushed herself away from the table.

    “Can’t?  Or, won’t?”  _You better not show a damn thing._   Did Kenny know?  About what she did behind closed doors?  No.  There was no way he could.  _Really?  You dated Cartman, who given the chance, would say anything about you to get attention.  And, Kyle?  He would have reached out to his friends, “concerned” about your swan dive into neglect and self-loathing.  You’re not fooling anyone anymore.  Worthless._   The voice was getting to be too much for her to handle.  Heidi tried to pull herself up from her chair, only to stumble back down.  “Hey,”  Kenny all but screamed.

    She was starting to unravel.  The very fibers that kept her together were snapping too quickly for her to regain any kind of control.  Her body began to slump into the soft padding in the cheap wooden chair.  The tears that she had been keeping in line for weeks, for months, were just in the corners of her eyes.  No, no, no, no, no.  Please, not here.  Don’t cry.  Just get home, and you can do whatever you want, just please keep it together.  The voice began laughing hysterically.  It had won.

    Her face felt cold as her hands cupped her cheeks.  Her breathing was sporadic, labored, thin.  If she did not let go over her face, Heidi was sure that she would start hyperventilating.  She had to get control over herself.  The voice that would normally torture her and criticize her every single move had left her all alone.  With it, she was a shell.  Without it, she was broken.  Don’t go, please, come back.  I need you, she pleaded with the voice.  There was no answer.

    “Heidi, come on.  Look at me.”  _It’s okay._   Her breath caught deep in her chest.  _It’s alright_.  “Heidi.  Look.  At.  Me.”  Kenny continued.  The way that he spoke to her was firm, even slightly demanding.  But, unlike Cartman’s or Kyle’s, it was genuine.  _Go ahead._   What was this new voice she heard?  It was soft, comfortable.  Sincere.  Familiar.  _It’s okay, Heidi._   A pale light started to clear the darkness that kept her shrouded from the outside world.  Gradually, her breathing regained its normal rhythm, her tears slowing.  Her hands felt warm as they pulled away from her face.  In front of her, Kenny was kneeling, his hands covering hers carefully.  During her episode, he had dropped everything to comfort her.  As her darkness continued to thin, she could not help but look deeply into his cold, grey eyes.  There was no malice in the way he looked at her.  No hunger like when he blatantly watched teachers dressed in tight pencil skirts walk down the hallways.  Just a tiny speck of worry.  She noticed that his collar was pulled down, away from his face.

    Though his blonde hair was short, unkempt, it was different.  Styled?  No, Kenny had no reason to brush his hair in such a way.  His ears, a little big for his head, were pierced; tiny studs sparkling dully in the soft light of the library.  He even had some stubble on his cheeks and chin.  Along the length of his jaw was an old scar, faded with age.  She felt her face slowly turn to the side as if seeing the poor blonde for the first time.  Carefully, she pulled her hand away from his, reaching towards the mark.  Why did it fascinate her so?

    Before she was able to feel the warmth of his soft, rough skin, Kenny pulled his collar up around his face.  _Time_ ,  the new voice whispered.  As if a command, Heidi’s outstretched arm fell to her side.  She continued to relax.  It was odd, she thought.  She could see her body acting on its own accord, but she had not willed it so.  What was this?  Everything around her felt like a dream.  Like a pillow filled with silk, catching her fall.  Her body felt numb to all of her senses.  A giggle began to bubble to her chest.  _What do you think you’re doing?_  

    “You okay?”  Kenny asked, seeing her body jerk in surprise.

    “I’m fine.  Sorry.  I guess I was more tired than I thought I was.  Must have been stress.”  Heidi grew uncomfortable as Kenny narrowed his gaze.

    “Uh-huh,” he began to stand, his loose grip on her hands slipping away, “Okay.”  He sighed heavily, scratching the back of his head.  “This paper.  What did we have to do for it?”  Pulling out her notes, Heidi’s finger began to scan her words delicately, searching for information to quote.

    “We have to accurately describe in detail a story from the text; the chapter doesn’t matter.  This includes plot, character analysis, context, and any other information we might deem necessary.  We can use outside sources for information that we find, as long as everything is cited correctly.  It needs to be three pages long, with appropriate formatting; meaning double-spaced and proper heading.”

    “And we have till Friday?”

    “Yup.”  _Good girl, use that cheery voice.  Everything is fine.  You liar_.

    “Okay.”  Heidi watched Kenny carefully, waiting for him to leave just as he had before.  He bent down slowly to pick up his bookbag off the ground.  Did he drop it when he rushed to her aide?  _Nuisance_.         

    “Do you want to come to my place?  I have no idea where to start, and I could use the help.”  Heidi hesitated.  Was he going to use her to do his work?  She knew Kenny was indifferent, but he was not a cheat.

    “Would it be okay if we stop by my house?  I can bring my laptop.”  He looked back at her, a sparkle in his eye.

   “Sure.”


	2. Freshman Year Part Two; Floating

    “My mom is probably on the couch, passed out.  Just ignore her.  We can go to my room.”  During the walk to Heidi’s house and then to Kenny’s, there was nothing said between them.  The voice came back to her a few times, rattling her.  But, each time it spoke, it seemed to fade back to where it came from, it’s screams absent of any threat.  He waited outside her home patiently as she went up to her room to grab her computer.  Heidi had asked if he wanted to come inside, the brisk winds were starting to get bitter.  Kenny refused, saying that it would be more comfortable for the both of them if he stayed outside.

    When she had reemerged from the confines of her home, she locked the door as she always did.  Heidi held her laptop close to her chest; it seemed to be the only thing that was real.  Just that morning, she had been grasping at straws.  Anything to help her stay afloat.  She had since fallen, crashed into the bottom of the ocean, and resurfaced.  But, the closer they got to Kenny’s home—crossing the obvious invisible line of poverty—Heidi started to feel uneasy again.  _This is a nice neighborhood.  Just think, the more you fall, this could be a real living adjustment for you._ Another sinister laugh.

    She noted the wrecked chain fence that adorned his front yard, accompanied by an old, run-down station wagon.  She wondered if it still worked.  _Does it look like it does?  God, why do you ask the stupidest questions._   There was a restlessness in her chest as Kenny lead her to his front door, unlocked.  Just as he had said, his mother was on the couch with an old boxed T.V. being the only life she could see.  Walking past her, Heidi looked into the open kitchen—dishes littering the dinner table.

    “Come on,”  Kenny whispered, taking Heidi down the single narrow hallway.  She walked closely behind him, unsure of why she had agreed to come here.  Her eyes darted back and forth between doors close together.  “This is the bathroom,” he paused, opening one of the doors.  Heidi felt her head nod in acknowledgment.  As he closed the door once again, she felt the rough of his coat brush against her sweater.  Involuntarily, she pulled away, the close quarters making her nervous.  However, though her insides were in chaos, Heidi kept her expression the same; “everything was fine”.

    “And this,” the lanky boy said softly, “Is my room.”  Before her, the only other door in Kenny’s house that mattered opened in front of her.  She followed him into the barren room like a puppy dog being introduced to a new home.  Once inside and alone, Kenny shut his door.  There was a single small bed that hugged the furthest wall, the bedsheets in disarray.  Behind her was an open closet.  Just like the bed, clothes that were supposed to be folded and put away neatly found their home thrown about the floor.  “You can sit on the bed if you want.  There should be a plug-in if you need it for your computer.  If we have to use the internet, there’s a local wi-fi signal.  It’s weak, but should do the job.”

    “Okay,” Heidi replied.  She made her way to his bed, as instructed, trying her best to make herself at home.  Beside her, she placed her bookbag neatly.  Crossing her legs underneath her seat, Heidi heard the whine of Kenny’s bed.  _Fat ass_.  From her bookbag, she retrieved a notebook she used for notes in class, a pen to write with, and their English textbook.  As Heidi continued to situate herself in Kenny’s room, Kenny had begun to dig around in his closet.  Though she tried to concentrate on the work at hand, his distracting search made her curious.

    “What are you looking for?”  She asked, her hands held a sparkly pen just inches above a clean sheet of lined notebook paper.

    “Something to help me focus… Did Kevin take it?”  Slowly, Kenny stood from the inside of his closet and walked out his room to a closed door, leaving the entrance to his room slightly ajar.   _Well, get to work.  He’s depending on you.  Or, is he going to be someone else you let down?_   Heidi felt her face fall, the all too real internal question weighing heavily on her heart.  She took a deep breath, making sure to keep her everything is fine face.  Quietly, she began to hum to herself; though Kenny spoke low and flat, while he was gone to another place of his residence, she could hear his voice talking to someone.  He sounded agitated, angry, and upset.  His voice was different from when he was at school, but if Heidi thought hard, she could remember a few times he raised his voice; mostly when Cartman was talking down to her.  _You know you deserved it, though_.  Stop, I need to focus, she thought to herself.

    Taking another deep breath, Heidi opened her laptop.  Her fingers danced lightly as she saw the mouse pointer on her screen move over her desktop.  Clicking on her web browser, she waited for the home screen of Google to pop up.  It is a little slow, she thought as it took longer than she expected to connect.  As she waited, there was a creek from the door.  Slowly, her gaze wandered to an old dog nuzzling his way in.  He shuffled in painfully, his age apparent on his face and in the way his paws touched the old carpet carefully.

    Heidi could feel her face light up as the dog meandered across the room, finding comfort at the foot of Kenny’s bed.  He walked around in a tight circle a few times before limping down to the flooring.  She watched as his front paws stretched in front of him, his joints finding slight relief.  A sincere smile made its way to the corners of her lips as Heidi reached down, wanting to feel the clumpy fur.  _Watch him snap at you_.  She paused, rethinking her actions.  Would this dog bite her?  Heidi could not think of any animal ever wanting to harm her—unfamiliar or otherwise.  But, the voice in the back of her mind continued, causing her to pull her hand back to her chest.

    “Tired of him taking my shit,” Kenny mumbled, now back in his room.  As he made his way towards Heidi and his pet dog, he made sure to close his door back completely, locking out the rest of the residents in his home.  Heidi watched as he made his way to his bed, his eyes lighting up as he spied the old dog.  “I see you met Garland,” he said, bending down to rub the dog’s head playfully, lovingly.

    “Yeah, he just walked in.”

    “Typical Garland.  Always finding the ladies.”  As Kenny crouched down, he moved towards the end of his bed to a small table.  From inside, he pulled out a small package of transparent paper.  Heidi watched him carefully, wondering what he was going to do.  As if reading her mind, Kenny said with a wink, “I told you, something to help me focus.”  Leaving the end table, Kenny walked towards a small window on the opposite wall, cracking it just a bit.  In a swift movement that could only happen with years of experience, his legs folded in together as he sat down comfortably.  One hand began to dig in one of the many pockets of his jacket, while the other reached behind him to the windowsill, pulling down an old crushed can.

    It was mesmerizing to Heidi, the way that Kenny so expertly multitasked.  She was unsure as to why it surprised her.  Possibly because the only interaction she had with the boy before was in school or in the company of his friends.  The way that his hands moved so fluidly from his pockets to a makeshift work area in front of him on the floor, to the way a sandwich bag full of smell green twigs carefully opened before him.  She continued to watch him, entranced as he delicately pulled out the contents of the baggie, placing them into a cylindrical device.

    “Don’t look so surprised,” he said, a hint of a chuckle in his voice.  “I know you’re sheltered, but you don’t live under a rock.”  Heidi felt herself blush lightly, caught off guard by his statement all while not taking his eyes off the task at hand.

    “No, it’s uh…  It’s fine.”  _Is it?_   The voice laughed.  “I just have never seen people do what you’re doing.”  She paused,  “What are you doing?”  _Seriously?  It’s obvious.  Idiot._   Kenny glanced up at her, a twinkle in his eye.  He held her gaze while he sprinkled now fine flakes into a sheet of paper he had prepared.  He rolled it tightly, securing the ends of the thin sheet with saliva, a shimmer sparkling from the exposed part of his tongue.  He did not answer her question.  Instead, pulling a dingy lighter from his pocket, he sparked the end of his rolled joint.

    He inhaled deeply, his eyes closed as she watched his body instantly relax.  Though he always carried himself with a certain attitude that said he honestly did not care, it was surprising how everything looked like it melted away.  It made her feel jealous.  It made her feel angry _.  Why are you getting your panties in a bunch?  You don’t deserve to feel this way_.  The voice was right.  Heidi had no right to get upset.  Taking her eyes off of Kenny as a cloud of smoke rolled from his slightly parted lips, Heidi typed away key terms into the search box.  Patiently, she waited for the results to appear.

    “Do you know what you want to do your paper on?”  From the corners of her eyes, she watched as Kenny played with the rolled paper between his fingertips.

    “Not really.”

    “Well, I was thinking about doing something with Shakespeare.  Or at least, the excerpt from the book.”  _That’s right.  Give him the idea, the opportunity to copy your work._

    “Do you like that kind of stuff?”

    “Kind of.  Though the stories are sad, they’re relatable to me.”  _God, way to kill the mood.  He doesn’t care about your problems._   His bottom lip poked out, understanding her words as he nodded.

    “You want some?”  Extending his arm, Kenny reached out towards Heidi with the paper filled with green.

    “No, that’s okay.”  _What are you so afraid of?  Didn’t your parents teach you to accept gifts offered to you?_   He shrugged his shoulders, laying down on the floor.  “I don’t know how,” she confessed, whispering under her breath.  She kept her attention on the screen in front of her, half of the page loading.

    “The only way to learn is to try.  But, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.”  Heidi stared at him, debating with herself. _Yeah, go ahead and take it.  You’ll feel better.  And just wait, when you get home, your parents will know and send you away again._

    “What does it do?”  She could feel a curious look from the boy on the floor, rolling onto his stomach as she glanced up at him.  Knowing that she was out of her element—for the entirety of their time together—Heidi was feeling more uneasy by the minute, waiting for Kenny to give her an answer.  Before he was able to, she quickly looked back to her computer, needing to be distracted by something other than the blonde boy in front of her.  Hesitantly, she looked up to see him smiling at her; absent of any critical motive.

    “It varies from person to person.  I can’t tell you for sure.”  The way that he spoke only caused Heidi to question more.  Part of her wanted to partake in the hazy activity of smoking weed with Kenny.  If anything, to have a moment to herself, where she could feel in control.  The other, made her mind swim in circles with all the reasons it would tarnish her already shaking persona at school.

    “Do… Do you think that it would…”  Her voice trailed off, embarrassed to finish her question.  _Go on, ask if it’ll make the voices go away.  I’m sure that that would make him run to the hills.  Just like everyone else._   Kenny raised a brow, watching as Heidi fought with herself.

    “Help?  Probably.”  Heidi was once again caught off guard by the lack criticism she had expected.  Cartman would have started name calling and preaching about his believes.  Placing blame on those in society that did not fit into his ideal.  Kyle would have pestered her with questions she was uncomfortable answering.  When she would refuse, he would undoubtedly grow angry, starting an argument.  Kenny talked with her as if her past relationships held no merit.  And why would they?  _Because everyone knows your dirty laundry.  Everyone knows how unstable you are.  He’s probably just waiting for you to unravel again so that he can go back to his friends_.  Heidi felt her eyes close tightly as she tried to block out the voice.  “Again, you can try some if you want, I’m not going to stop you.  But, it looks like you could use a hit.  Or two.  Or however many you need.”

    During her moment of regaining some kind of normalcy, she had not noticed him walk over to the bed, sitting down beside her.  The stench of weed burning in the rolled paper flooded her senses as the weight of his body caused her to fall into him.  Her eyes opened to see him taking another pull.  As he held his breath, Kenny’s arm crossed over her lap, temptation in her view.  _Come on, do it.  Do.  It._ The voice was beginning to growl.  _Get fucked up_.  _Throw caution to the wind_.  She could feel her hands shake as her fingers hovered just inches away from the joint.  Kenny let out the smoke in his lungs, making her cough.  _It’s okay_.  There it was again.  The bright light in the darkness.  The soft voice.  Angelic voice.  _It’s alright.  You’re safe._   Heidi took hold of the paper, feeling the heat of the smoke caress her hand.

    “Breathe in until you start coughing,” he instructed.  Heidi thought about what she was told, relying on Kenny’s every word.  She could not bear to watch herself acting so hasty.  Heidi closed her eyes.  All actions had consequences.  She had learned that the hard way.  What was the worst that could happen?  _Jail time.  You know smoking pot underage is illegal.  Such a rule breaker.  Such a devil._   Just as the paper touched her chapped lips, Heidi pulled it away.

    “On second thought, I don’t know if I should.”  Carefully she handed the paraphernalia back to Kenny, barely touching it.  It felt wrong in her hands like it did not belong.  _Now you’re getting high and mighty?  Who are you to think that?  You do realize that you purge and starve yourself while fighting for causes you shouldn’t.  Heh.  The irony._   As Kenny was just about to take the wrapper back from Heidi, she pulled away.  In a moment of desperation, she had placed it back on the tips of her lips.  It felt weird, having the coarse paper in her mouth.  She pulled hard, waiting for the moment she would start choking.

    “Slow down,” Kenny chuckled, “Save some for me.”  Tears brimmed her lids as the heat in her throat burned healing skin.  She tried swallowing, but that only seemed to make matters worse.  Heidi burst into a fit of ashamed choking and coughing, leaning over her stomach to catch her breath.  It was by instinct that she was able to hand the weed back to Kenny.  He started laughing loud as he stood.  Between the safety of his grin, he held the paper as he walked back out of his room again.

    Alone, Heidi could feel herself fall to her side.  Her hands clutched at her stomach.  _Stop it.  This is getting embarrassing._  Her jaw clenched tightly as she attempted to suppress the irritation in her chest.  Through the open door, she saw Kenny walk towards his kitchen, pulling a stained plastic glass.  It was faint, but she could hear the running of water as it slowly filled the container.  Keeping her mouth shut, Heidi watched as Kenny walked back to his room, smiling.  Her body bounced against the small bed as she stifled another fit of coughing.

    Entering his room, making sure to close the door behind him as he had done before, Kenny offered the full glass of water to Heidi.  Cautiously, not trusting her reflexes, she reached for the cup.  Once she was sure that it was held firmly in her grasp, she brought it to her lips.  The plastic was cold as she tipped the contents down her throat.  She was greedy in the way that she slurped the water from the glass.  Even letting out a soft moan in enjoyment as the cold water eased the pain in her esophagus.  She had been so caught up in the deliciousness of the water, that Heidi had forgotten to let herself breath.  In an angry gasp, she released cup from her mouth.  The sound that she made when panted for air was inhuman.

    “Thirsty?”  Kenny laughed, as he took another hit.  Her eyelids felt heavy as she looked up at him, the sizzling of paper hypnotic.  As he released the smoke in his lungs, Heidi felt her lips part as the clouds rolled towards her.  Though it was just slightly, she could feel her mind drift away from her.  _It’s okay.  You’re safe here._   She could feel a real smile spread across her cheeks.  “Another?”  He asked, taking his seat next to Heidi again.

    “Maybe,” she whispered.

    “Alright.  Watch.”  Expertly, Kenny demonstrated the almost perfected way he smoked.  He passed it back to her, waiting patiently for her to take it from his hold.  When she did, Heidi could feel him smile.  With it in hand, she stared at it methodically, trying to think of each step carefully.  When she was ready, she held it to her lips once more, this time pulling on the paper slowly.  “Who would have thought.  Heidi Turner.  A natural.”  A giggle escaped her lips as she handed the joint back to Kenny.  “Kill it.  I’m going to roll another one.”

    “I don’t think I should have another one.”  Her words were unhurried, each syllable emphasized carefully.

    “Not for you.  This one is all mine.”  Another giggle.  Heidi felt herself shrug as she took another hit. 

    Her cheeks burned as she laid on the soft comforter of Kenny’s bed.   After smoking what she could, Heidi returned the almost gone rolled paper back to Kenny.  He had already started smoking his own when she made her way to him on the floor.  Looking up to Heidi as she attempted to stand steadily, he shrugged his shoulders.  They exchanged the now roach quickly; as quickly as she could with her hands weaving around.  Just as Heidi was about to turn to make her way back to the bed, she watched as Kenny smoked the last bit of weed.

    “Why?  It’s almost gone.  Doesn’t that burn your fingers?”  Kenny winked.

    “It’s almost gone.  Meaning there is still some to smoke.”

    “Oh,” she whispered, utterly dazed.  She could feel herself nodding as if already knowing this information, as she walked back to the comfort of the soft bed that was beginning to call her name.  Slowly, she closed her laptop, tucking it away in her bookbag along with her notebook and pen.  Though she needed to work on her paper, there was no way that she was going to be able to.  Not in this state.  The sound of the zipper closing rung in her ears as she placed her bag on the ground.  Her hands extended out as if to tell her belongings to stay put.  Sure that they would not budge, Heidi crawled into the bed.

    An hour had passed since.  Now Heidi was enveloped in the plush covers that sat haphazardly on the blonde’s bed.  She was unsure when, but she had started smiling some time before.  What was she smiling for?  It made no sense.  It had been ages since she could smile, a real smile.  Heidi felt like an alien in her own skin.  Though it was strange, it felt right.

    “I’m thirsty.”  She said, glancing at Kenny who was now smoking a cigarette.

    “You want some more water?”  Her grin widened.

    “I want a Slurpee.  Coke flavored.  Jumbo sized”  She felt her hands run to her face as she gasped loudly, “Do you know where we could find one?”  Her voice screamed in a whisper.  There was an excitement that bloomed in her chest at the very thought of guzzling down dark syrup mixed with crushed ice.

    “Yeah,” he said with a laugh.  Carefully, Kenny pulled a phone from his pocket to checking.  It was close to six in the evening now she realized.  “Get your things and we can go.”  He stood from his seat on the floor, walking out of his room.  Sluggishly, Heidi propped herself up as she reached for her bookbag on the ground.  Her fingers danced around the top loop, desperate to find it.  Finally, Heidi grabbed hold of rough nylon as Kenny walked back into the room.  “You’re a mess,” he snickered.

    “Yeah, I know,” she sung.  Heidi could feel herself slipping away.  Normally, she would have grabbed at anything that would help her steady herself.  But, this was different.  It was comfortable.  It was safe.  It was quiet.  “I’m also really hungry.”

    “That’s probably the munchies,” Kenny explained as he walked over to Heidi, helping her stand.  She wobbled as she pushed again the frame of his bed, almost causing her to lose her balance completely.  Before she fell back into the softness of his bed, Kenny held onto her hand tightly, bringing her to his chest.  As her head rested against his shoulder, she whispered.

    “No.  Well, maybe.  But, I’m always hungry.  Starving.  I haven’t eaten anything in… A while.”  There was a silence between them.  As her words came back to her, Heidi could feel a panic rising in her chest.  Her guard was down, and she was exposed.  She could feel her shattered ground stand under her, the personal abyss building up again.

    “I know a place where we could get a ton of horrible food and jumbo-sized Slurpees.”

    “That.  Sounds like heaven.”  She felt Kenny smile on the top of her head.

    “It’s pretty close.  Come on.”  In a blur, they left Kenny’s room. 

* * *

    The air was chilly as they walked, hand in hand, towards a poorly maintained gas station.  There were moments when Heidi could feel herself about to stumble, only to be saved by a gentle tug on her arm.  Though the panic that she had felt in the warm embrace still bubbled underneath her skin, she could feel herself relax in the presence of the orange jacket.  Every so often, Heidi stopped walking, unkept lawns catching her attention.  As she would bend towards the broken sidewalks, she would feel the hand in hers tightening, only to loosen once it was clear that she meant to crouch down.  Clover blooms called her name, begging to be picked.  She was unsure as to why they did, but thankfully, Heidi complied with the flowers as she plucked them from the earth. By the time they had reached the minimart located inside the gas station, she had made a flower crown; often whispering declarations that she was a nymph.  This only caused Kenny to laugh at her.  He had been laughing at her a lot.  But, for a reason she cared not think of, his static laughter did not bother her.

    Inside the small store, she let out a loud exclamation.  The dim lights flickered above as she raced towards the back wall, Kenny in tow.  There it was.  A masterpiece of machinery.  As she pulled out the largest styrofoam cup she could find, Heidi filled the contents with frozen delight.  Her hand pulled away from Kenny’s as she needed to concentrate on both hands.  Behind her, she could hear his steps echo away from her, in search of anything his heart desired.  As the contents of her container began to near the top, she pulled away, reaching for a plastic lid.  It was just out of reach.  She could feel herself begin to frown, thinking that it was impossible for her to do two things at once.  The gears in her head turned slowly as she debated about what she should do.  Before she was able to reach a conclusion, Heidi felt the press of a lid in her empty hand.  Lazily, she turned her head towards her savor to see Kenny, standing next to her; his arms full of snacks.

    With steady hands, Heidi wrapped the ends of the seal around her jumbo-sized Slurpee.  She smiled brightly to herself, now in search of a straw.  Just as before, Kenny handed her one.  Delighted, Heidi watched as the thin straw emerged from its wrapper.  Carefully, she punctured the lid as ice oozed from the new opening.  Before she knew it, her mouth completely enclosed around the top of the straw.  With soft moans of delight, she chugged the sweet elixir.

    “Good?”

    “So good,” she breathed heavily.  “What did you get?”  She asked as she glanced at the assortment of treats in Kenny’s arms.

    “Just the essentials.  Chips, chocolate, cookies.”

    “Oh my God.  What kind of cookies?”

    “The good kind,” he chuckled.  He pulled away as she grabbed at a small package of Oreos.

    “These are my favorite.  But, we need milk.  Milk’s favorite cookie,” she mumbled.  She scurried towards a fridge that held a small selection of cold drinks.  Finding a small jug, she took it from its shelf.  “Kay.  I think this will be good?”  Kenny nodded in agreement, coming up behind her.  Together, they walked to the front counter.  Greeted by an elderly man tired of seeing young kids buying things impulsively, the two threw their finds before them.  Heidi beamed him a smile, to which he rolled his eyes.  There was no amount of money or any other kind of motive, that would cause him to smile politely back.  As he finished scanning and entering all of the items, he mashed a button that displayed their total.  Heidi reached to pull her bookbag from behind her, up until that point forgotten, in search of her wallet.

    She struggled with the zipper, growing agitated with how difficult it was being.  Heidi blew her bangs in frustration.  But, she was not to be deturbed.  Taking a deep breath, she tried once more, successful.  It ripped open, a bit too far, showcasing everything she carried with her.  While she was distracted by searching for the belonging that held her money, Kenny quickly paid for their things, grabbing a full plastic bag.

    “Let’s go.  I’ll walk you home.”  Leaving the store, the pair shared small packages of goodies passed between them.  They walked slowly, Heidi set the pace towards her home.  There was a constant silence as they walked; the two of them too busy eating.  At first, Heidi had a difficult time deciding on what she wanted to have first.  The Oreos that she had greedily tried to take inside the store were safe in her hands, touching the cold of her Slurpee cup.  It did not take her long to finish the jumbo-sized drink; the sound of empty air bittersweet.  But, just as she could feel herself falling into despair, she was reminded that there was milk to have with the cream filled cookies.

    “I wish I had a cup to dip these in,” she mumbled more to herself than to Kenny beside her.

    “Save them for later?”  He offered.  In response, Heidi could feel her head tilt in his direction, horror heavy on her face.  “Or not.”  He laughed at her lightly, which caused her to giggle along.  It was not long until they had made their way back to her street.  Most of their snacks were gone, only a small package of cosmic brownies proof of their shopping expedition.  As the sun began to fade, Kenny stopped walking, pulling Heidi to a stop.

    “Hold on,” he whispered as he dug into his deep pockets.  Doing as she was told, Heidi watched as he retrieved a small vial.  “Look up at the sky.”  Lazily, Heidi careened her head back.  The fading day was beautiful.  When was the last time she had allowed herself to see the pinks of clouds as they wafted away?  “I’m going to drop something into your eyes.  It’ll help with irritation and redness.”  Heidi prepared herself seriously, waiting anxiously for relief that she had not noticed she needed until that point.  Carefully, she watched as drops fell above her head into her eyes.  She closed them quickly, startled, as she felt her hands reach towards her face.  Rubbing tears away, Heidi heard Kenny whisper to her once more, asking for her phone.  Where was her phone?  And, why did Kenny want it?  Confused, she spoke demandingly.

    “Gimme your phone,” to which the blonde complied.  As he held out his phone for Heidi to take from the depths of yet another pocket, Heidi could hear him speak softly under his breath, touching his screen carefully to open his contacts.  “What am I doing?”  She asked, now holding his phone in her hands.

    “In case you want to hang out again.  Or need someone to talk to.  I’m always up.”  Her face lit up.  Now aware of what Kenny needed her phone for, she programmed her number into his contact list, name complete with extra symbols.

    “Less than three?”

    “It’s a heart.  So you know it’s me,” she said grinning widely.  Handing the device back to him, Heidi turned to walk towards her home, Kenny standing in place.  She felt her hand raise to wave goodbye, not turning around to see if her gesture was returned.

     The creaking of her front door sounded wrong in her ears as she stepped through into her living room.  It was too loud.  Instantly, her senses were bombarded with heavy smells of dinner as the sounds of plates and utensils clanked against each other.  In her dining room, her mother set the table neatly.

    “I’m home,” she cheered as her dining room came into view.  Heidi looked at her mother dance around the room.

    “Hi, honey.  Dinner is almost ready.  How was school?” 

    “Good.  Everyone liked my presentation.”  She felt the tug of a smile on her lips as her father sat down at the head of the table.  He wore his normal hard expression; Heidi believed that his face was stuck like that now since she rarely saw him show any kind of emotion other than disapproval or anger.  Looking at him, she could tell that he was analyzing her closely.  His daughter had been withdrawn for the past year, barely making any kind of conversation when her parents spoke to her.  Now, she was initiating.  His gaze made her self-conscious of how out of character she was.  Instantly, she opened her eyes wide, ridding herself of the still too broad smile on her face.

    “That’s great, sweetie.  I told you, you would do well.”  Dinner at the table was quiet, neither parent speaking as they watched Heidi pile food onto her plate.  She devoured her meal quickly, not realizing how hungry she still was.  Was she always this hungry?  They finished swiftly with nothing further said.

    “I’m gonna go to my room.  I’m kind of tired,” she explained as she pushed away from the table.  Again, there was silence as her parents looked at her leaving.  There was a brief exchange of concern between them, wondering if she would actually be going to bed.  Or, if she would sneak into her bathroom to turn on the faucet for a shower.  Heidi took to the stairs that lead up to her room slowly.  Though she could feel herself coming down from her high, Heidi walked up carefully, taking each step as they came.  In her room, Heidi collapsed onto her giant bed.  Her comforter was plush and soft against her skin.  She buried her head in her many pillows, hearing the loud whispers from her parents below.

    “She’s high as a kite,” her father said angrily.  “Where has she been since she got out of school?”

    “I don’t know dear,” her mother calmed, “But, do you really think that we should be worried about that?”

    “No, Nancy.  Not at all.  Just, our daughter is going out taking drugs.  That’s not anything to worry about.”  There was a loud slam of china against china as her mother put dinner plates into the sink.

    “That’s not what I meant.  And you know it.  She actually ate dinner and went to sleep.  She didn’t make herself throw up.  When was the last time we heard silence from her after dinner?”  Her father sighed heavily, conflicted.

    As sleep begged her attention, Heidi felt a vibration in her pants pocket.  Slowly, she pulled her phone out, the bright screen blinding.

 Hey, it’s Kenny.  Get some sleep.  I’ll see you tomorrow.  If you need to, I’m here.

     A soft smile touched the tops of cheeks as a tear rolled down her face.  Heidi drifted away, dreams already filling her every thought.  She could not remember the last time she fell asleep so easily, not bothered with the nasty voice that spent the better part of her days yelling at her.  Where was the voice?  When was the last time she dreamed peacefully?  Before she could think of an answer, Heidi was gone.


	3. Freshman Year Part Three; Coming to Light

    After leaving Heidi, Kenny began walking back to his home.  With the setting sun behind him, he kept his gaze towards the sky; thinking of the simplistic way that things seemed to be falling into place.  He had no malicious motive for spending time with Heidi.  He wanted nothing more than to help her; their shared years with his friends weighed heavily on her.  It did not take someone close to their friends to realize that she was hurting, struggling, needing some kind of reprieve from when she had dated Cartman—even years later, the damage of their relationship had scarred her.

    Kenny could recall many nights he had spent up and awake thinking about how the fat boy could be so cruel to her when all she wanted was their relationship to soar.  In the beginning, it worked.  It seemed to be heavenly, thriving and everything either of them wished for.  However, as the weeks and months went on, it became clear to Kenny—as well as Kyle—that Cartman did not care for Heidi as he had.

    When they were alone, he would ridicule her weight gain; which he had caused.  Cry that Heidi was mentally abusive towards him.  To this day, six years later, Kenny still had no idea how such a sweet and caring girl like Heidi could be abusive—in any way.  Pulling a crushed pack of cigarettes from his back pocket, Kenny lit a tobacco stick, deep in thought.  He had watched Heidi fade away, the strain and image that Cartman demanded from her.  If he could pinpoint the school year in which she lost everything, Kenny was sure that it was seventh grade.

    She was bone thin, constant strain and speeches about her weight building and destroying every thought she had about body positivity.  The light in her eyes had vanished, along with any inclination of hope.  She accepted her relationship with Cartman as she was, fitting into the mold that was set before her.  It made Kenny’s blood boil, in recollection.  Though, that was the year that he had started planting the idea in Cartman’s head that he should just leave Heidi.

    It took time, months of careful planning, to succeed.  Kenny knew, that if he was going to save Heidi from her hell, he needed to convince Cartman to break up with her of his own volition.  If there was one thing he was thankful for being friends for so long, it was the fact that Kenny knew just how his mind worked.  Finally, right before they left school for their winter break, Cartman had broken up with Heidi, permanently.

    During their break, Kenny had the hopes of seeing Heidi back at the start of the new year with a renewed light in her eyes.  However, their first day back, Kenny saw that it had only made matters worse.  Her eyes were red from crying over the weeks.  Her walk was weak, just enough to ghost through the crowded halls of their school.  The tone of her voice was not hers; it was someone else’s entirely.  He could remember thinking, wondering if he made a mistake.  Though she was broken and bruised, during her time with Eric, she at least had life inside of her.

    Watching her day in and day out, started to break his own spirit.  He wanted to help her, remind her of who she used to be.  Though there were times when they hung out in the company of his friends, the two of them had not actually said anything between them.  He had thought that it would be wrong to casually ask her if she was alright and to talk about her relationship with Cartman.  After all, her girlfriends had done their own work the first time they had broken up and gotten back together.

    They shared a science class together.  Kenny picked a seat in the back of the classroom, hoping, waiting, to see if Heidi would join him.  By this point, she had started separating herself from the other students.  A seat in the back of the room would, could, only ensure his success in talking with her.  A month later, Kenny recalled him taking the first step, asking her for help with some science homework after school.  He knew that science was one of her favorite subjects; maybe this invitation to work together would bridge the gap between them.

    She declined.  He understood, not pressing the subject.  If he was to help her stand back on her own feet, she had to do it on her own.  Still, he would try again.  And again.  And again.  Until, she finally accepted his offer, meeting in the school’s library after school.  They worked together in silence, every so often Kenny would ask her questions he pretended not to understand—if anything to get to hear her voice, her explanation of the subject with authority.

    After that day, they would continue to meet, every other day, to go over assignments.  Slowly, she began to open up.  Heidi started talking freely, asking if he needed help.  To which, he was more than happy to say that he did.  It wasn’t that science was hard for him—school, in general, was a bore, not difficult—it was more about breathing life back into her.  The two never touched on subjects of friends, outings for holidays and school breaks, or her past with Cartman.  They both knew the latter was an extremely sensitive subject.  And, just like the soft prodding of asking for help, Kenny believed that when she was ready, Heidi would bare all before him.

    He waited eagerly, hoping that each day they met would be the day where he could become her rescuer.  However, that day would belong to someone else.  Heidi stopped meeting with him in the library.  She stopped relying on him and his charm to feel better.  A light had returned to her, as she held hands with Kyle in the hallways at school.  They dated briefly—as with most immature romances—until they just stopped being with each other one day.  Kenny’s plans seemed to slip through his grasp; the end of Kyle and Heidi had been mutual.  She did not need him to wipe away her tears like he wished to do so many months before.  Eventually, Heidi would fall back into her own pit, blocking out anyone who came to whisk her away from the pain in her heart.

    That was almost two years ago.  And, now, he was just able to get her alone, away from thinking about everything that was wrong with her.  Kenny threw the butt of his cigarette to the ground, stepping on the bright cherry in anger.  There was nothing wrong with Heidi.  Nothing at all.  Stuffing his hands into his pants pockets, he continued nearing his home, not thinking about the girl that used to be a beacon of happiness and confidence.

    His home seemed to be darker than when he and Heidi had visited after school.  As if a cloud hung heavily above the cracked roof and pealing side panels.  But, it was home.  With or without her.  Walking up the broken sidewalk that lead to his front door, he could already hear his father yelling with his mother.  Sometimes he wished that they would just leave each other.  A broken home seemed to be better than a home together in constant chaos and heartbreak.  But, his parents depended on each other, as junkies often did.  There would be no way that they would separate as long as they had something to keep them together.

    And, it was not like his parents did not care for each other.  There was a love between them.  They cared for their children, even if they could not always provide a welcoming home.  His hand touched the cheap doorknob, the entrance of his home as he always expected it—his mother and father sitting on the couch watching T.V, drinking as they shared a pipe back and forth.  Kenny kept his eyes forward, not listening as his father called out to him.

    Entering his room, he felt a pit in his stomach.  His attention was immediately drawn to his bed, the imprint of Heidi still there.  With a loud sigh, Kenny fell against his thin door, colliding with the floor beneath him.  Shit.  Soon he would need to be getting ready for work.  There was a soft knock on the other side of his door.  Before answering, Kenny pulled out his phone, looking at the time; 7:03 p.m.

    “Kenny?”  Karen whispered, “Can you help me with my homework?”  With a hesitant smile, Kenny stood from his spot on the floor, opening to see his little sister standing with papers in hand.

    “Come on.  What do you need help with?”  She smiled brightly up towards her older brother.

    “Multiplication problems!”

    “What ones are you doing now?”  Kenny asked as he ushered Karen into his room.

    “We’re doing three digit numbers.”  She walked in finding a place below his bed.  Carefully she sat down, putting her homework before her for the both of them to see clearly.  Joining his sister, Kenny looked at the problems in front of them.  Carefully, he picked up the math homework sheet, skimming over the problems.

    “Okay, It’s the same thing with two digits.  Just do it one number at a time.  Don’t forget to add a zero for each new line.”

    “I know, but the numbers get so jumbled up in my head.”

    “Then write them down, silly.”  Picking a problem from the sheet, he read off the question.  “Like this one; six hundred forty-five times time three hundred seventy-six.  We’re going to write it down on a scratch piece of paper, making sure to line the numbers up correctly, or it doesn’t work.”  Karen looked up to Kenny, worried an anxious.  “What?”  Kenny asked, waiting patiently for her to come clean.  Slowly, Karen took a deep breath.

    “So, it’s not like it’s hard.  I understand what I have to do… It’s just…”  Her head hung low in something that could only be embarrassment.

    “Just what, Karen?”

    “Doing it this way takes so long, and when we have quizzes, I can’t finish them in time.”  Her head fell lower with mortification.  “And, since I can’t finish them, I get those answers wrong.  And, my grade in math keeps getting lower.” 

    “It’s alright, Karen.  It’s only a quiz.  If you want to do better, we just need to practice more.  Have you been doing your time's tables?”  Her cheeks lit up as she bit down on her lip.  Kenny could not help but let out a low chuckle.  “You have to study to do better.”

    “Yeah.”  Her face was pained with disappointment.  If there was one person in her family Karen had learned to depend on, it was Kenny.  Comforting his sister, Kenny rubbed the top of her head, pulling out a sheet of paper from the stack she had entered her room with.  He checked the time once more.  It was now 7:10.  If Kenny was going to make it to work on time, he would need to leave in the next twenty minutes. 

    Quickly, he scratched a collection of numbers; problems for Karen to work on after she had finished her homework.  When he had started helping his sister with her work, Kenny thought that he was being too harsh on her.  But, with each day that they worked together, he watched as she soaked up new information like a sponge—she was always hungry for more.  And, trying his best, Kenny would oblige her.

    “After your homework, I want you to fill out this sheet.  I’ll check it when I get home.  Just do your best.  Once you finish all the problems, I want you to practice.  Got it?”  Karen shot her brother a side glance.  “Let me hear you say it.”

    “Okay, jeez.  I got it.”  The smell of frozen waffles defrosting in an old toaster wafted through the cracks between Kenny’s floor and his door.  Kevin emerged from his room, slurring his words in excitement.  Kenny shook his head as he rolled his eyes.

    “Go eat dinner and then do your homework.”  Karen did as she was told, taking her papers with her as she left Kenny’s room.  From the kitchen, Kenny heard his parents talking with Kevin and Karen; they were not to eat all the waffles, Kenny would need to eat when he got home.  Slowly, he stood from his place on the floor, walking to his closet.  Pulling out a beat up duffle bag, he slung it over his shoulders.  Before leaving his room, Kenny put on his bookbag.  While it was slow at work, he would do his homework, trying to set a good example for Karen.

* * *

    The glass doors of the old gas station opened as Kenny stepped through into the convenience store for work.  The old man that had been sitting at the counter when he and Heidi had visited just hours before gave him a hard look.  Kenny ignored it.  Instead, he continued through the store to the back office, using it to change his shirt for his shift.

    Leaving his things in the employee office, Kenny clocked in for work, leaving the grumpy old man to count his till.  While Kenny waited to be left alone for the night, he kept his attention on the store; taking inventory for things to stock when it was slow.  He had hoped that tonight would be uneventful.  During the time when he would wait for his shift to end, after completing all his tasks, he would spend his time doing his homework.

    But, while alone on the floor, Kenny could not get Heidi out of his mind.  Their afternoon together had been fun.  Enlightening to the damage Heidi still carried with her.  If he was going to help her, Kenny had to keep on the pressure; as much pressure as Heidi could handle.  Which, would not be much.  His head hung low, the clipboard now in his hand dropping to his side.  He sighed heavily to himself.  Though Kenny had been working for the past six years to make Heidi become alive once more was beginning to take its toll on him.  How long was Kenny going to allow himself to get wrapped up in her?

    It was only a few years, he thought.  And, he could feel the end of his plan easing over the horizon.  But, it was exhausting.  Even with him taking the back seat more than once, and allowing himself to date or sleep with who he wanted, he was still tired.  It was mentally and emotionally draining to constantly worry about a girl, who despite all the best intentions, did not seem to want help.  Or at the very least, not from him.

    “Alright, kid.  Everything is set.”  His co-worker said, leaving out the door before Kenny could reply.  Once he was sure that he was gone, Kenny pulled out his phone, looking at the newest contact longingly.  How long was he going to be there for her?  What if he crossed the line too quickly, or was too much for her to handle?  Sighing, Kenny thought that he could just do what he always did—try and hope for the best.  If he was to fail this time, or a few more, he would soon have to give up on her entirely.  Not that he wanted to, but he would need to.

    With a few taps of his fingers, he quickly sent Heidi a text before focusing on his work for the night.  The next few hours would determine whether he would have to fake his good guy persona.  Meaning, be polite to customers as they stammered in, distracting him from what he had had to do.  Regardless, Kenny was hoping that the end of his shift would come quickly; he already missed his bed and the sleep that would come as soon as his head hit the pillow.

    Within the first hour or so, Kenny had managed to clean up the store; mopping up messes from customers who had been drunk or high, organizing inventory for his shift, and getting things ready for his replacement at one in the morning.  Though he was just fourteen, he was thankful for the opportunity to work.  The arrangement he had with the store’s owner was probably illegal, but working under the table, making less than minimum wage, was more than he could hope for.  It provided him with the opportunity to take care of himself, as well as Karen when his parents would rather spend their small incomes on what they saw fit.

    With the store clear and outside quiet, Kenny went to the back office.  He grabbed his bookbag, taking it to the front counter, thinking that it was time where he would be able to complete his school work without interruption.  From his classmates, he had written down assignments that would be due the next day.  Pulling out a biology book, he began reading the current chapter.  He flipped through the pages carefully, propping himself against the worn counter, taking notes when something seemed important.

    From his pocket, he felt his phone vibrate.  Not taking his eyes off the information in front of him, Kenny retrieved his phone; only a few people would contact him late at night.  Karen, when she had trouble sleeping, Tammy when she wanted attention—though they hooked up every now and then, their romantic relationship had ended when she had entered middle school—or Stan who would text him when Kyle had turned off his phone, tired of getting drunk texts.  Tapping his screen twice to unlock it, Kenny was shocked to see the name that had been programmed into his phone earlier that day.

**Heidi <3:  **

Hey.

**KennyM:**

What’s up

**Heidi <3:  **

Nothing.  I just woke up and saw your

text.

**KennyM:**

Okay. 

     He cursed himself for being as short as he was.  It was just routine, from texting his friends.  Or anyone else for that matter.  Kenny tried to sound more casual, adding more than he would normally.

**KennyM:**  

So, did you want to talk or something?

**Heidi <3:  **

I dunno.  It’s close to midnight.  I guess I

should work on my homework.  But, I saw

your text and thought it would be rude not

to reply (:

**KennyM:**

I don’t think it would be.  I mean, not too

many people are awake so, I wouldn’t

think anything if you didn’t.

**Heidi <3:  **

But I would.

Why are you still up?

     Kenny hesitated before replying.  Would Heidi think differently of him if she knew he was working?  Instead of telling her the whole truth, he said enough to satisfy their conversation.

**KennyM:**

Just working on somethings.  Homework mostly.

**Heidi <3:  **

What classes are you taking?  Besides

English lol.

**KennyM:**

Let’s see.  Algebra 2, English, World History,

Biology and then I have a free period.  You?

**Heidi <3:  **

Algebra 2?!  I’m in geometry :l  I don’t get it though.

Math is really hard.  I decided to take humanities instead

of history cuz it fulfills the same credit, I think.

**KennyM:**

Math isn’t all that hard.  All it is really is

just following the rules.

**KennyM:**

What is humanities like?

**Heidi <3:  **

It’s pretty cool.  We’re just learning about

different cultures and stuff.

**KennyM:**

That sounds fun.

     Kenny could not help but smile.  They were having a casual chat about school, and it seemed to be going well.

**Heidi <3:**

It is!

**Heidi <3:** 

So, since I’m helping you with

our English assignment… Do you think

that you could help me with math?

**KennyM:**

Sure.  Give me about an hour or so, and

I’ll be free.  Did you want to come over,

or meet somewhere?

**Heidi <3:  **

Um.  Maybe meet somewhere? 

I wouldn’t want to bother your family sleeping.

**KennyM:**

Sure.  Village Inn sound okay?

**Heidi <3:** 

Yeah (:  I’ll meet you there.

     Though it was short, Kenny could not help but feel a slight elation.  As he slipped his phone back into his pocket, the blonde cleaned up his books.  The quicker he was able to leave his place of employment, the quicker he would be able to see Heidi.  They probably would not touch on subjects besides math, or any of the other classes they shared, but just being in her company would be enough.  As Kenny walked back onto the floor from the backroom, he glanced at the clock.  His replacement would be clocking in within the next twenty minutes.  Then he would have to wait close to thirty for them to change out their drawers and make sure that all the money was in order.

    It was tedious but necessary.  He only hoped that his co-worker was in a good mood; he would be able to finish quickly and without looking too much into the state of the store; not that anything was out of place.  However, in a bad mood, Kenny would be there until the end of his shift at one in the morning instead of leaving earlier at twelve thirty.  While he waited anxiously, Kenny walked around the old gas station checking inventory again.  Along the back wall, he brewed a fresh cup of coffee.  As it steeped, Kenny grabbed a plastic cup and began to add sugar and flavored creamer.  He was tired, as he always was nowadays.  But, with his small cup of coffee and meeting at the Village Inn, subsequently having more coffee, Kenny had hoped that he would be able to stay awake long enough so that he would not be a damper on Heidi’s spirit.

    While stirring the hot brew into his cup, the doors in front of the store dinged as the slid open.  Not turning to see who had come in, Kenny smiled to himself.  It was early, but his replacement had already come in.  Kenny heard a low greeting, a yawn escaping his co-worker as their footsteps echoed through the store into the back room.  With cup in hand, Kenny followed.  As he stood in the doorway, he tried to start small talk, his excitement growing.  His co-worker, however, stayed silent.  For a moment, Kenny thought that he was in a bad mood.  However, he counted quickly—more so than usual—and was ready to change out their drawers.

    Getting settled behind the counter, Kenny walked back into the office and began to count his til.  There was not much for him to count out, for which he was more thankful than normal.  He filled out the paperwork for his shift tentatively.  Careful practice and confidence in doing a job well done, he was able to take care of his official business before venturing out onto the floor to join his co-worker.

    “Everything looks in order,” he mumbled, still half asleep.  He yawned again.  “If you want, you can leave early.”

    “Positive?”  Kenny asked as he tried to hide the excitement in his voice.  It was only fifteen after.  If he hurried, he would be able to meet Heidi at the Village Inn as soon as she got there; if not arriving before her.

    “Yeah, kid.  Go home.”

    Kenny rushed back to the employee area, not looking back twice.  His hands trembled as his paper time card was forced into an automated machine, denoting the time that he clocked out.  Free from his shift, Kenny quickly changed back into the shirt he had worn earlier that day, stuffing it into his duffle bag.  As he reached for his book bag, he paused, a sudden realization taking over him.  If he were to meet Heidi at the Village Inn with both his bag for school and the duffle bag he used to carry an extra shirt and whatever else he would need, the blonde was sure that she would ask questions.  Or would she?

    Heidi had relaxed while she was high and even seemed to be happier as they briefly texted back and forth.  But, she still had walls.  Hell, so did he.  There were parts of him that he even kept from his friends—or rather, they did not believe.  Mysterion had his chance to prove that he possessed a power, and inconvenience, of not being able to die.  However, no one believed him.  After, Kenny had kept his mouth shut about dying and being reborn.  His words would be dismissed, anyway.  That was different from Heidi, though.  She had her reasons for keeping to herself, for not reaching out.  For putting on a happy face and trying to convince everyone that she was okay. 

    Standing frozen in the back room, Kenny wondered to himself.  With her walls, would she be so brazen to ask about his extra bag?  Yet, even with keeping herself isolated, she had shown him a side that was open—at least that wanted to be.  He bit his lip.  No, she probably wouldn’t ask, he concluded.  To be safe, he folded his duffle bag as small as he could, quickly tucking it into his book bag.  Emerging from the employee area, Kenny put on his orange jacket.  It was not too terribly cold outside.  However, out of habit, he zipped up his coat, making sure to cover half his face.  As the sliding double doors closed behind him, Kenny all but ran towards the direction of the Village Inn.

* * *

    “Okay, so then what about this problem?”  Heidi asked as she yawned, reaching over the book between her and Kenny.  She looked exhausted, he thought, as her hand lazily flung itself to point at the question.  They had spent close to an hour at the forever open restaurant.  Each moment felt like a dream to Kenny.  This meeting was unplanned and of her own will.  There was no need for him to reach for her.  She did so on her own.  And, he was ecstatic.  Kenny could not help but smirk to himself as his gaze shifted from Heidi’s tired, peaceful expression to her hand so delicately resting on her textbook.  She was wearing one of her sweaters, as she always did, but the way that her arm rested against the table in front of them, sleeves exposed her lower forearm.

    Kenny felt his eyes widen in horror.  On her soft skin were old scars from years before where she had taken sharp razors to her wrists.  Had she been in so much pain, that even with his diligent and yet so distant watch over her, that he had missed it completely?  Thinking to himself, Kenny knew that if he were to bring it up, it would only cause Heidi to fall back into herself.  Though it was minor, she was opening up.  There was hope, however fleeting, in her eyes.  Trying his best, Kenny ignored the old wounds to explain the question.

    “Just as before, we plug and chug.”

    “Plug and chug,” Heidi whispered under her breath as Kenny wrote the problem down on paper.  Step by step, Kenny worked through the problem.  He wanted to explain the reasoning in the way he solved the math equation that she was having trouble with.  He wanted to speak with her, about more than math.  More than English.  But, again, he reminded himself to stay persistent.  In due time, she would come around.  Just as she had before, a lifetime ago.  Kenny kept his attention on the calculations as Heidi sat next to him.  With each step, he came closer and closer to the answer, until it presented itself on the paper between them.  Satisfied with his work, he finally spoke up.

    “Did you understand everything I did?”  Beside him, Heidi remained quiet.  Slowly, the blonde turned his gaze towards her expecting to see her face twisted in confusion.  However, when he allowed himself to see all of her completely, she had fallen asleep where she sat; head still where it was.  He looked at her intently.  Kenny wanted to smile.  Wanted to think that the fact she had fallen asleep next to him was because she was trusting him.  But, if he was honest with himself, she was just tired.  With the exception of eating junk food from the gas station earlier, Kenny was almost positive that she had not eaten. 

    Thinking back to a conversation he had overheard when Kyle would vent to Stan, Kenny was aware that Heidi had an eating disorder.  He later learned the same way, that her parents had her put into a program to deal with anorexia.  Before that morning, however, he was unmindful of how serious it still was.  From outside the girl's bathroom, he heard her quietly purging her stomach.  She refused to eat at school.  So, logically, the only thing she could eliminate was breakfast from home.  He wondered if she did the same with dinner—obviously eating to appease her parents.  Not moving, Kenny waited to hear gurgle sounds from her most likely empty stomach.  In the distance, other customers began to talk loudly enough to be heard in the almost vacant eatery.

    He felt his head twist angrily.  Two booths over, a small collection of four kids his age stood to leave.  On their table were empty mugs and barren coffee pots.  As they made their way in front of Kenny and Heidi, still asleep, the Goth Kids talked about something or other; he had no wish to know.  Instead, he narrowed his cold eyes, wanting them to make eye contact.  How dare they, he thought.  It was not that Kenny disliked the goths—no one really did.  But, their need to be obnoxious bothered him.  Could they not see that they were not the only ones at the Village Inn?

    Just as quickly as they had caught his attention with leaving their booth, the group exited the building.  He sighed to himself, thinking that perhaps it was time for the two of them to leave as well.  Gently, Kenny nudged the girl sleeping peacefully next to him.  As she blinked and looked around at her surroundings, he composed himself.  Kenny pushed out his annoyance for the Goth Kids, the worry of her scars. 

    “You want me to walk you home?”  Heidi yawned again as her arms stretched high above her head.  It took all of his self-control for Kenny not to glance up.

    “Maybe?  I know it’s out of your way.  It’s also late.  I wouldn’t want to be a bother,” her voice trailed off in thought.  “Actually, I walked here on my own.  I should be okay.”

    “Heidi,” Kenny began as he put his things away not looking at her, “It’s not out of the way from here.  Somewhere else, probably.  I can at least walk halfway with you.”

    “Honestly?  You wouldn’t mind?”  At her questions, Kenny gave her his complete attention.  As their eyes met, he felt a prickling on his cheeks.  Her bright brown eyes glittered in the dim light of the restaurant.  They showed excitement.  They showed joy.  Peace within herself.  Hope.

    “Y-yeah,” Kenny mumbled as he tucked his head into the collar of his jacket.  Together the two of them left the Village Inn.  Just as before, their walk was silent.  Still, their sight was captured by the vast starry sky above their heads.  When they were halfway to Heidi’s home, she broke the quiet between them.

    “Everything okay, Kenny?”  The way she said his name sent a shiver down his spine.  When she had said it when he caught her leaving the bathroom, it startled him.  It had been so long since the two had actually talked with each other, let alone say the other’s name.  He was unsure why it sounded so different from everyone else.  But, he liked it.

    “Yeah, why?”  From the corner of his eye, he could see her head duck down.  She was muted for a moment.  He watched as her face twisted in internal conflict.

    “You saw them, didn’t you?”  She whispered knowingly.  Her voice was absent of any inkling of emotion.  Except for shame.  Each syllable dripped with it.  “Kyle told you, right?”

    “No,” Kenny answered.  There were a lot of things Kyle had spoken about with his friends, and his concern for the girl he was dating.  But, her self-harm scars were not one of them.  Perhaps the red-haired boy did not even know himself.  After all, his relationship with Heidi seemed to be only surface deep most of the time—her past with Cartman stole her voice and her want to delve into a romantic relationship with substance.  “Does he know?”

    “I thought he did.  I mean, I tried not to hide it from him…  But,” she chuckled sadly, “I guess it wasn’t important enough to notice.”

    “Everything is important,” he mumbled, his hand slowly reaching for hers.  It was strange to him, his need to hold her close.  Maybe it was because he saw a part of him in her.  In her screams to be seen.  To be asked if she was alright.  “Even if just one person listens.”  His hand was clumsy as it took hold of Heidi’s.  Their fingers interlaced tightly together.  Kenny felt himself pushing her too hard, forcing her to say her deepest, darkest thoughts.

    “I don’t do it anymore.  If you’re wondering.  But, I kind of miss it.  At least then, I could see that I was alive.  Now, I’m not so sure.”

    “If…”  Kenny started, his thoughts unclear, “If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.  I mean that.  And, you can confide in me, too.  I know that Kyle and Cartman are my friends, but, what you say to me won’t make it back to them.”  Shit.  He had wanted to keep his friends out of anything they talked about.  Kenny was uncertain if she wanted to talk about her past.  Not until she was ready.  “I’m sorry, Heidi.  I didn’t mean to bring them up.  I know that’s a sore subject.”  Beside him, he heard her sniffle.  Kenny knew that sound.  She was crying.  He felt his brows crinkle in regret as he turned his attention towards her.

    “Please,” she spoke softly.  “Ask me how I am.”  On her lips, Heidi wore a sad, broken smile as tears fell down her face.  It was odd, seeing her this way.  Years of practice had formed into a habit.  Her features dared not contort to show any kind of emotion, anything that would show the world how shattered she really was.  Without thinking, Kenny felt himself stop instep.  Still holding each other’s hands, she turned around to see him. 

    His stony face melted as their eyes met.  The most earnest parts of their souls needing to be heard.  They wanted—no required—the same things.  He always put others before himself.  But, when push came to shove, who was there to hold him when he spent nights awake staring at his ceiling?  Kenny pulled on his arm, forcing Heidi to step into him.  As their bodies collided, he felt the warmness of her skin against his coat.  Hidden away from the world, they stood together.  The only noise either of them could hear was the low cries from Heidi as she felt safe in the comfort of his brightly colored orange jacket.

* * *

    Kenny sat back in his chair during algebra.  He was trying to pay attention to his teacher, but his head was muddied with thoughts.  After walking Heidi all the way home, he had spent the rest of the night awake.  She was worse than he thought.  Her persona that she had during school, the good girl that seemed to have everything together, was a lie.  He knew that everyone knew that.  Before school started, he saw her walk into the crowded hallways, trying to disappear as she normally did.  Though he had wished that she would be different—maybe taking a chance and talking with him—Kenny knew that it would take more than just one day for her to start healing.  His back was towards her as she walked passed him and his collection of friends.  Still, from the corners of his eyes, he watched her walk into the closest girl’s bathroom.  He could feel his heart sink.

    “I’ll see you guys later.  Gotta take a piss,” he said as he left Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.  They said their goodbyes as they went back to their conversation; whatever it was, Kenny had not been paying attention.  With hands in pockets, the blonde walked slowly towards the bathroom beside the one Heidi had so habitually ventured into.  As his hand pushed against the wooden door, Kenny heard the hushed whispers of other boys.  Entering the lavatory, Kenny beamed a bright smile.

    “Anyone want a happy ending before class?  Only ten bucks.”  The whispering stopped as the cluster of boys pushed quickly out of Kenny’s way, heading back into the hallways of the school.  Alone, he locked the bathroom door so that no one else would be able to enter.  Crouching low to the ground, Kenny pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes, lighting one up as he grabbed his phone.

    He and Heidi had not spoken after walking her home.  Not that he expected it.  Still, he wished that she would reach out to him.  But, thinking back to the night before—early morning really—he recounted that she pleaded with him, yearned for him to ask her if she was alright.  He smiled sadly to himself as the echo of the girl's bathroom filtered in through the vents.

**KennyM:**

We still working on the English

assignment together after school?

    He waited patiently for Heidi to reply, trying to imagine her stopping to reply.  One step at a time, he reminded himself.  Listening for a pause, his plot worked.  Or, he thought it did.  She could have easily just finished spilling the contents of her stomach.

**Heidi <3:**

Of course (:

That is if you want to.  And, maybe

help me again with math?  I have a

quiz on Friday, and I’m kind of

nervous about it.

**KennyM:**

Yeah.

**KennyM:**

You know, if you’re not feeling well,

we could always reschedule.  Or, we

could smoke together again, see if

that helps.

    He was being thoughtless, rash and demanding.  For a moment, he could hear the faucet trickle as Heidi left the security of her stall.  The bell rang loudly above his head as he stared at his phone screen, waiting for a reply.  The girl’s bathroom door swung open as Heidi stepped into the hallway; no doubt with her usual façade.  Kenny let out a sigh, thinking that she had read his text and thought it was best to ignore it.  Taking a deep drag off his cigarette, he pinched the bridge of his nose.  How much more torture was he going to put himself through?  Standing, the blonde walked over to the sink, letting the water extinguish the bright cherry.  Once he was sure it was out, he threw it into the nearest trash can.

    Unlocking the bathroom, Kenny stepped into the hallway, gazing around for any sign of the brunette.  Another bell rang.  But, with the exception of a few stragglers, the school halls were clear.  His head hung low as he walked towards his math class.  Phantom vibrations were felt as he sat at his desk.  Every few seconds, he would reach for his phone, hoping to see a text from Heidi.  However, there was none be found.  Kenny was beyond distracted.  Just as he checked his phone, his eyes darted back and forth towards a clock that hung above the whiteboard.  In the next hour, he would see her in English.  There, she would have no escape, no way to ignore him.  But, she probably would.  Why would anything change overnight?


	4. Freshman Year Part Four; Sad Songs and Long Talks

    “If I understand this correctly, I just have to make the chart and it’s right?”  Heidi asked, sitting in their now usual booth at the Village Inn.  She held her head in her hand.  Her brows furrowed together, her jaw slack; a look Kenny was starting to realize as confusion.

    “If you solve the problem the way its supposed to be, yes.  Do you want to try another?”  For the past few weeks, he had been meeting her at the restaurant after work.  Both of them were tired, but somehow, his tutoring was helping her understand.  He thought it would be pointless, but Heidi disagreed.  Osmosis, she said.  Even if she was half asleep while they walked home, and she would instantly crash against her pillow, the next quiz she had, Heidi would instantly tell him her grade.  Each one better than the last.

    “Maybe?  I think I’m getting to my limit though.  Do you want to call it?  Or take a break?”  She glanced up at him.  Under her eyes, Kenny saw dark circles.  Perhaps, it was a bit much too meet at one in the morning a few times a week.  Thinking to himself, he thought that there really was no reason to meet at his house for English anymore—which was nothing more than the two of them getting high.  They could just work on math problems instead.  But, he liked this time only for them; away from his friends, away from his family.

    “Yeah, we can do that.  Wanna go outside?” Heidi gave him a nod, grabbing her coat.  Though it was just the first of October, it was getting colder by the day.  Soon, the first snow would fall.  Kenny watched as she scooted out of their booth, waiting in front of the table for him to do the same.  As he followed her example, loud whispers from the Goth Kids reached him.

    “Look at the two of them,” Michael started, “Always showing up now.”

    “Posers,” Pete replied.

    “Seriously,” Henrietta added.  Firkle nodded in agreement.

    Kenny rolled his eyes as he led Heidi outside.  Together, they made their way to the side of the building, away from the lights from inside.  From her coat, Heidi pulled out a pair of headphones.  Placing them in her ears, she turned on a song she had been listening to for the past three days.  Almost instantly, Kenny saw her eyes close as a piano started playing the same two notes.  He shook his head as he dug around inside his pocket.

    This was the start of their routine whenever one of them said they needed a break or wanted to call it quits for the night.  They would walk outside, she would turn on music, while Kenny would smoke a cigarette or two.  It was odd, Kenny thought, that they would find this comfort together; or whatever this habit was.  It was what he wanted, just keeping an eye on her.  But, then when it came about, was quicker than he expected.  Perhaps it was because, they already knew each other, all his hard work starting to pay off.

    Since reuniting, the two of them had been meeting for study sessions or to help with homework.  Without mention, neither of them talked with the other during school hours.  Instead, they relied on texting to communicate with each other.  Though Kenny would have liked to have her around him, just to know that she was okay, he could understand not wanting to change so drastically.  She had appearances to keep.  After all, this was the girl that for as long as anyone knew, was alright.  That she was fine.  Lighting the end of his cigarette, he heard Heidi beside him start to mumble to herself.

    “Some days I feel like shit, some days I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit.”  It was just a song he reminded himself,  but, Kenny could not help feel a pang deep in his heart.  The lyrics hit a bit too close for him to dismiss them easily.  As he exhaled the smoke from his lungs, his voice whispered heavily between them.

    “You okay?”

    “Huh?”  Heidi asked as she looked at him, taking her attention away from the song playing.  Kenny felt his eyes roll as he held his cigarette.  Carefully, he pulled out one of her headphones so that she could hear him without him having to talk louder than he wished—their conversations late at night were for their ears only.

    “Are you okay?”

    “Yeah?”  How she questioned her answer made Kenny think that she was unsure for a moment.

    “Just, you’ve been listening to that song a lot lately.  Maybe it’s just a good song, I wouldn’t know.  But, what I said before; I’m here for you if you need me.”  The way that he spoke, Kenny could not help but think; who was he saying that for?  Was it for himself, or was it for Heidi?

    “Oh…”  Kenny looked at her as her head hung low.  “It just helps sometimes, you know?  Listening to music that has the same feeling you do.  Even if it’s not in that moment.  Hanging out with you these few weeks has got me thinking a lot.”

    “About what?”  He asked, taking another drag.

    “Just… Everything.”

    “That’s not vague at all,” he mumbled to himself.  Beside him, she giggled dejectedly.

    “Yeah, I know.  I mean, just everything.  I don’t know how else to say it…  My feelings I guess?  How I got so messed up?  It’s like, I know, Eric and I broke up forever ago.  That was just a disaster.  I don’t even know why I stayed with him for so long.  And then, dating Kyle felt like I could have changed.  But, part of me wonders, if I even deserved his kindness, to begin with.  That, maybe I was too damaged.  Still too damaged.  To have anything.”  Kenny sighed.  Leaning against the wall, he spoke.

    “Cartman is an asshole.  Always was, always will be.  That doesn’t excuse him for how he acts.  It’s just a fact.  As for Kyle, I can see where you’re coming from.  The guy has good intentions.  But, sometimes he gets ahead of himself.  And, when things don’t go his way, he explodes.”

    “I see that now… I just wish I would have seen the forest instead of the trees in both of those instances.”  She spoke softer, “Why was I so stupid?”

    “You’re not stupid, Heidi.  You weren’t stupid.  You’re allowed to fuck up, to regret things that you did.  You’re allowed to feel what you want to feel.  If it seems right, who has the right to tell you otherwise?”

    “Friends?”  She chuckled sadly to herself.  “When Eric and I broke up for the first time, I met up with all my girlfriends—Wendy, Bebe, Red, everyone—I had stopped hanging out with.  We all went out to dinner, and it started out great.  I started to feel like me again.  But, then they started harping on our relationship, and how I could ever be with someone like him.  I tried to explain he had some good qualities.  And, that he was different when we were alone.  None of that mattered; they just kept going.  It made me feel guilty.  Like, what I felt was wrong.  If that was the case, what was the point in leaving in the beginning?  So, out of spite I guess, I went back.

    “He knocked me down.  My friends knocked me down.  But, at least with Cartman, it was just him.  Not a collection of people who I trusted.  Who I thought I could count on.  And, maybe, it was just his way of reminding me of where I belonged.”  Kenny heard her voice crack as she recounted memories.  It was strange to learn that even in the company of friends, she still felt alone.  “I mean, I had to try, right?  Prove to everyone that what I was saying, what I was feeling, was right, right?”

    “Why?”  He felt her body whip in his direction.  “They can’t hold it against you.  Shouldn’t have held it against you.  You’re human, Heidi.  I’m sure, that all of your friends were not as innocent as they believed they were.  Shit, if anyone would be able to have any semblance of understanding, it should have been Wendy.  She and Stan don’t have the most healthy relationship.  If you ask me.  Sure, over the years, they might have gotten closer to something that seems good.  But, I think they just tolerate their company.  They’ve gotten so dependent on each other, that they’re stagnant—without the other, they would be lost.  And, that’s worse than being with someone who you can depend on, grow with.  Whatever it means to be with someone who wants to see you at your best.”

    “You sound like you’re talking from experience,” she whispered, now seeming to be fully engrossed in the album cover that was prominently displayed across the entirety of her phone.  His eyes grew wide as he suddenly realized how open he had been.  It was a mistake; he was supposed to be there for Heidi and her alone.  Maybe, by some random chance, she would have eventually been there for him if he needed it.  But, by that point, Kenny would have worked through whatever had been bothering him and that would have been the end of it.  Just as it always was.

    “Yeah, maybe,” he said shortly.

    “Are you okay, Kenny?”  He started to feel angry.  Without meaning to, he had basically described his parent’s relationship.  Perhaps even the effects it had on him.  Around the corner, Kenny heard the chattering from the Goth Kids leaving the Village Inn.  They walked to a beat-up blue car—it was too dark for him to notice the make, not that he cared—before driving away.  Again, they were alone.  “Kenny?”  Heidi asked again.  He chuckled.

    “I don’t know, dude.  Probably.”

    “That’s convincing,” she said a bit more sarcastically than she meant.  “You know, I can return the favor… Listening to you if you want to talk.  It’s the least I could do.”  The metal of his tongue ring clanked against his front teeth as he lost himself in thought.

    “You wouldn’t want to hear my story.  You probably have from everyone else, anyways.  It’s no secret.”  He took a deep drag from his cigarette as it burned too closely to the filter.  Shit.  He blew the smoke out irritably as he flicked his butt away into the darkness.  Before he knew it, he had pulled another out, lighting it just as quickly.

    “But not from you,” Heidi said as she took out her other headphone.  Winding the cord around her phone carefully, Kenny looked at her as she put it into her pocket for safe keeping.  Sure that it would be fine in her coat, her legs crossed neatly as she sat down on the close to freezing asphalt.  “I could say the same thing about me.  I’m not deaf to the rumors that fly around the school.  If I was honest, it probably would be the best thing if I just ignored them.  But, that wouldn’t make them disappear.” 

    He glanced down at her, her face unwavering.  There was no judgment in her eyes as they waited.  He hesitated, wondering if he could say anything to take away what he was feeling.  If anyone could, Heidi might have been able to understand.  Or not.  She had a family that cared for her, parents that probably cared for each other.  She was an only child, so there was no way that she would be able to relate to having to make sure that mistakes his parents made, that he made, were not repeated.  She did not have to work in order to provide.  Heidi patted at the ground next to her, trying to coax him to join her—they would likely be there for a while if he decided to bare all.

    Kenny pinched the bridge of his nose, debating with himself.  What was there to say?  He felt the hot smoke of his cigarette wafting up his face, burning every trace of exposed skin.  Though his eyes were closed, they began to water.  It was the smoke, he told himself.  His mind was hazy as he thought about watching his parents growing up.  They fought constantly.  Even to the point to where he and his siblings were sent into foster care for a short time.  He wondered if Heidi knew that.  Slowly, he found himself sitting next to her.  He put his half-empty pack of cigarettes on the ground in front of him.  From the corner of his eye, he saw her hand reach for the pack.  Before she was able to get too far, he put them back into his pocket; she didn’t need to start smoking like he did.  With a heavy sigh, Kenny felt his mouth open as he started talking about his home.

* * *

    Halloween was hours away.  The town of South Park was full of excitement for trick or treaters, holiday festivals, and the night where they would be able to throw away their cares and pretend to be something else that would be magical, malicious or anything else they wished.  Standing outside the bedroom that Kevin and Karen shared, Kenny smiled softly at his phone.  Since he had started meeting with Heidi regularly for their study sessions, the two had begun to build a friendship.  If he thought about it, it might have always been there.  But, outside forces had prevented anything from coming to fruition.

    He had brought up her bulimia and refusal to eat earlier than he had hoped.  And, in doing so, there was a day or two when Heidi refused to speak with him.  Probably as a way to ignore the help he was so desperate to offer.  However, with his constant reaching out, she had succumbed to his requests.  It was slow, hesitant, and difficult, but she was starting to eat at school.  Her purging in the morning still happened.  Yet, now, it was not every morning.  She was healing.  Kenny would allow her to take as much time as she needed. 

    “Kay, I think I have everything,” Karen said as she stepped into her doorway.  “This friend of yours, you sure they said it was okay if I get ready at their house?”

    “Yup.  They even offered to help you.” Kenny looked down at his little sister.  She was excited to go out.  Karen had told her parents about classmates that went out on Halloween, how she wanted to go trick or treating.  But, they never seemed to be too interested.  Or had enough money to buy her a decent costume.  Either or, the answer was a stern no.  Over the past few months, Kenny had put away some of his small earnings to spend on his little sister.  The day before, he had stopped at a store on his way home after school; buying a last-minute outfit and pail to match.

    “Then let's go!”  Karen screamed loudly.

    “Alright, alright.  Lemme get my bag.”  Kenny walked into his room, the door slightly ajar, to grab the old duffle bag that he used for work.  As carefully as he could, Kenny put away a smaller bag that held his sister’s costume without her noticing.  With it settled, he sent a quick text to Heidi, letting her know that he was on his way with Karen and they would reach her house in twenty minutes or so.  Almost instantly, she replied with a smiley face along with acknowledgment.

    As he joined Karen in the living room, Kenny informed his parents that the two of them would be back later.  There were grunts and groans, the start of a protest, from his father that fell flat as Kenny took Karen by the hand.  Leaving their home, the brother and sister set off towards the better part of town where most of their friends lived.

    “So, this friend.  Are they the one that comes over a lot?”  Karen asked. 

    “Yeah,” Kenny replied, keeping his view forward.  There were children already running around in outfits, excited for the sun to start setting.

    “Is she like Tammy?”

    “No, we haven’t dated or anything.  She’s just a friend from class.  Her name’s Heidi.”  Though he had tried to hide it, Kenny could not keep Karen protected from everything.  It was no secret within the McCormick household that the two had dated, broken up long ago, but still met every so often to fulfill certain urges.

    “I remember.  Well, I like her.  You seem happier when she’s around.”  Karen admitted.

    “Happier?  What are you talking about?  I’m always happy,”  Kenny said, bending over to make a funny face at his sister.  She giggled in response, running on ahead.  The blonde chuckled to himself as the silhouette of his sister grew smaller with the distance between them.  Maybe he was happier.  But, then that made him question if he was not happy in the first place.  If he thought about it, Kenny was sure that he would come to an answer he did not want.  Shaking his head, Kenny ran towards Karen, spurring her on.  They ran the entire way to Heidi’s house, both of them out of breath as he reached for the doorbell.

    “You should stop smoking, Ken,” Karen huffed.

    “Yeah?  What’s your excuse?”  Kenny laughed, panting heavily.  From inside, they heard someone walking towards the door.  As they waited to be greeted, Kenny fell over his sides, being more out of breath than he thought.  The door opened widely before them, a muscular man with a surly grimace on his face.

    “Can I help you?”  His voice boomed.

    “We’re here for Heidi?”  Karen spoke up as Kenny tried to compose himself.

    “Heidi,” he yelled behind him, all without his eyes leaving the pair on his doorstep, “You have visitors.”  From the kitchen, Heidi emerged from an open door that led down to her basement.

    “Hi,” she chirped, “You guys can follow me.  I have everything set up downstairs.”  She wore a bright smile, different from when she was at school despite her small improvements.  As Karen stepped into the house, and around Mr. Turner, Kenny went to enter only to be blocked momentarily.  In front of him, Mr. Turner bent close to his face, his scowl deepening.  In a low whisper only Kenny could hear, he spoke.

    “You’re the one my daughter has been spending all of her time with, correct?  Getting high all the time?”

    “Yes, sir,” Kenny answered respectfully.  Though her father was a big burly man, the blonde did not back down from where he stood.  If there was an issue he wanted to resolve or a threat he wanted to get across, he would do so with Kenny as he was.  As he waited for Mr. Turner to speak, Kenny felt his brow raise quizzically.  Slowly, his features began to relax.

    “I see.  I heard that you hang out with that Cartman boy, and I would like to think that you were no different.  But, seeing her change little by little over the past few weeks has been a Godsend.  So, thank you for that.  Even if I don’t wholeheartedly condone what you two do.  However,” a darkness returned to his face, “You ruin her spirit and I will ruin your life.”  With a dark snicker, Kenny spat back.

    “There’s not much you could do, that life hasn’t done already.  But, if I do anything that would harm Heidi, you have my word that I will fuck myself up.”  Mr. Turner stood shocked by the blonde’s words as he stood to let him pass.  His walk was casual, hands in pockets as if he had not said a thing.  It was certainly bleak, and maybe too much.  But, Kenny knew that there was nothing anyone could do to him that would equal anything he would deserve if he ever hurt Heidi.  Just as his boots hit the tiled floor of her kitchen, Heidi had raced back up from her basement.  The two almost collided with each other.  With lightning reflexes, Kenny was able to hold them both steady.

    “Going somewhere?”  He joked.

    “I was getting Karen a drink.  She’s down there looking at all my old dolls.  You can join her if you want.  Did you need something?”  Stable on her feet, Heidi separated from Kenny, walking towards a cabinet.  Above her head, she reached for a cup that was just out of her grasp.  She had to stand on the tips of her toes in order to barely touch a plastic cup.  Watching her struggle, Kenny walked up behind her, pulling down the container for her.

    “Actually, I was wondering if you would be able to help her get into this.  And do her make-up.  If that’s not too much to ask.”  As he spoke, Kenny pulled his duffle bag around to his stomach.  Unzipping the sack, he pulled out a smaller shopping bag.  It was a thin plastic, the contents easily seen if one looked hard enough.  He continued to retrieve the outfit that he had recently purchased.  The sheer fabric of an elegant princess gown fluttered to the ground in lilacs, pinks, and whites.

    “This is beautiful,” Heidi whispered.  “Does she know?”  He grinned widely, proud of himself, shaking his head no.  Memories ran through his mind of days when he would dress up to play with his friends.  They would question why Kenny would choose to dress in girl’s clothes, never teasing.  It was just what he wanted to do, he would explain.  And, that was it.  The real reason, however, was so that he would be able to provide a strong role model for Karen.  “I think she’ll like it,” she beamed up at him.  Quickly, he stuffed it back into its temporary home.

    “I hope so.  I mean, I tried to find something she would like.  She used to go on and on about princesses and stuff years ago.  I just hope she won’t think it’s too childish.  Karen’s been acting like she doesn’t like those things anymore...  Damnit,” he mumbled under his breath defeated.  It was on impulse that Kenny had bought the costume.  Maybe, she had already outgrown it.

    “I’m sure it’s fine, Kenny,” Heidi reassured.  “Girls can get away with playing with things long after they’re expected to.  Case in point, when I pulled my old dolls out, like, five minutes ago, her face lit up like a Christmas tree.  Plus, this is a gift from her big brother.  Why wouldn’t she like it?”  She had moved away from him, cup still in hand, as she opened her fridge.  Inside, Heidi carefully pulled out an open container of juice.  “I can only say this from what I would want, but, if I had a sibling who bought something for me because they thought I would like it, I’m sure that I would love it.”

    “Okay, I got it,” Kenny laughed quietly, rolling his eyes.  He watched Heidi carry the now almost full glass back down towards the basement, following closely behind.  With each step, he could feel himself relax.  In his pocket, his phone vibrated.  As he peered at the screen, he read his group chat with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.  The four of them had agreed to cause mischief over a month ago after all the little children had their fun.  But, now, Kenny debated about leaving them.  He had plans to take Karen out to have a night of fun.  And, if Heidi wanted to join, Kenny was almost positive that Karen would be overjoyed.  Reaching the bottom step, he replied, using his sister as a scapegoat.

    “Always on your phone,” Karen muttered as she stopped playing with the dolls.  She stood from her place on the floor, walking over to Heidi, taking the glass of juice as she said a thank you.

    “The guys were just asking about plans.”

    “And?”  Karen pushed.  Her voice echoed from within the half empty glass.

    “And, what?”

    “What did you say?”  Nervously, Kenny glanced at Heidi as she went digging around in a seemingly abandoned closet that was used for storage.  Though her back was facing the brother and sister, Kenny was almost sure she was hiding away from him; the pain would be obvious on her face if she was a part of their conversation.  There had been progress since the two of them shared an intimate night of confessions at the Village Inn.  But, that did not mean that she was comfortable.  Her shattered expression as she talked came back to memory.

    “I said that we were doing things.”

    “You know what we should do,” Heidi spoke up, “Go to the faire in costumes.  With everyone.”  She turned around, a smile spread wide across her face.  In her hand, she held up garments that she could make into a makeshift costume.  Her voice surprised Kenny.  Her genuine smile caught him off guard.  He felt his lips part as a blush crept up his cheeks.

    “But, I don’t have anything pretty enough to change into to go to the faire,” Karen added.  “And, what about trick or treating?”

    “Why couldn’t we do both?”  Heidi questioned.  “As for costumes, they are super easy to put together.  Especially if some of us are prepared.”  Her gaze darted towards Kenny.  His mind was blank.  There she stood, between him and Karen, a mirror of who she used to be.  Without a charade.  Never did he think that she would make such strides in her personality changes.  Her mental state still needed time, but her bubbliness.  Her want to be a part of something besides herself.  To be with friends.  To have fun, no matter the cost resembled that of what it used to be.  It was not perfect.  But, it was still growth.  “Kenny?”

    “Huh,” he finally spoke up, out of his trance.

    “Especially if some of us are prepared, costumes are easy to put together.”

    “Oh, right.”  Back to the reason he and Karen had ventured to Heidi’s home, he brought out the thin plastic from his duffle bag.  Cautiously, Karen stepped towards him, he not needing to look at her to know that her eyes were wide with eagerness.  Free of his dusty sack, Kenny held out the dress he had bought.

    “This is for me?”  Karen gasped.

    “No, it’s for me,” Kenny said mockingly.  He smirked as she looked up at him with an annoyed expression.

    “Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised.”  Karen rolled her eyes for added effect.

    “Haha.  Get changed,” He commanded, holding the dress out to her.  Happily, his sister walked into a small half bath behind him.  Alone, Kenny looked over to Heidi, watching as she held up black and orange clothes close to her body.  Seeming to be satisfied with what she had picked out, Heidi went over to a small chest.  Opening it, Kenny could see an assortment of odds and ends that would turn regular apparel into a costume.  “You’re serious about going with everyone?  It’s no big deal if you want to change your mind.  Going door to door is just as fun.”

    “Maybe.  How else am I going to move on, though?”  Kenny admitted she had a point.

    “Okay,  but, don’t you think that this might backfire?”

    “I’m counting on it.”

    “Wait, what?”

    “I’m counting on tonight being the straw to break the camel’s back.”  Nonchalantly, Heidi looked at her reflection in a small mirror that hung on the wall.  Her voice was flat, her gaze even flatter as she held different earrings to her face to see which ones worked with an outfit she was planning on the fly.  Kenny felt his mouth open wide in protest, but before he was able to say anything, Karen emerged from the bathroom.

    “Tell me how great I look,” she demanded as she struck a pose in the open doorway.

    “Amazing, wonderful, spectacular!”  Heidi gushed.  With her words still in his head, Kenny could not help but think that something was off.  Karen took a deep bow as she stood in front of him.  Glaring up, she insisted on getting much-needed praise from her brother.  He was not to be immune to her charm.

    “You almost look like a real princess,” he said, spreading on a thick smile. 

    “I am a real princess,” Karen said as she turned around dramatically.  Strutting over to Heidi, she held a pretend scepter in her hand as Heidi bowed low to her.

    “Your Highness,” Heidi added softly, just loud enough for them to hear.

* * *

    Karen snored peacefully on Kenny’s back as he and Heidi walked back towards her home.  It was almost midnight when everyone had decided to end the evening.  Thinking to himself, Kenny thought that the night went surprisingly well.  Or, as well as could be expected.  Wendy and Stan never left each other’s side.  Cartman and Kyle fought—as usual—but did not dismiss the unfamiliar sight of seeing Heidi and Kenny meeting everyone together, Karen in tow.  Together, she and Ike set the pace for trick or treating.  For about three hours, the group went door to door before everyone started to get bored with awkward chitchat.  It was one thing for Wendy to be in their company; after all, she was basically apart of the group whether she wanted it or not.  Heidi, however, threw off their chemistry.

    Though Cartman could not care less about her, Kyle seemed to walk on eggshells.  There was no bad blood between him and Heidi.  Nonetheless, it still felt awkward.  After getting their fill, they had all decided to head towards the small faire in the mall parking lot.  The rest of the evening, they rode rides, got their faces painted, and generally had a good time.  However, Kenny could not shake the feeling he had in the pit of his stomach ever since his sister had changed into her costume.

    “So,” Kenny said breaking the silence, “Was that everything you wanted?”

    “Not even close,” Heidi said with a whispered sigh.

    “Care to explain why you agreed to go out with everyone and for it to go to shit?”  Karen squirmed uncomfortably on Kenny’s back.  Quickly, the blonde stood still for a moment as she got situated, still fast asleep.  Sure that she was settled, he turned his attention back to Heidi.  Her face was bare of anything she might have been thinking. 

    “Maybe so I would feel better about myself.  Or have some kind of closure.  I don’t know, honestly.  I just wanted to get angry, to yell and scream and just lose my mind.  Maybe, I’m secretly a masochist.  Who knows.”

    “Nah.  Not acceptable.  Try again.”  Heidi turned towards him, giving him a cold stare.  Her gaze narrowed as she started to step forward.  From her small purse, Kenny watched as she pulled out her pair of headphones.  Without waking Karen, he closed the distance between them.  Before she was able to block out the world around her, Kenny felt himself start to whisper yell.  “You’re not going to give me that answer and not expect me to question it.”  Heidi’s main focus was on her phone screen as she tried to find a song to listen to.

    “I don’t want to feel like shit all the time anymore.  I wanted to feel something else.  Am I allowed to?”  She snapped.

    “Of course you are.  But, for fuck’s sake.  You wanted tonight to go ass up because you wanted to feel something different?  To lose your shit, when everyone else was having a good time?”

    “I mean, that’s how it normally is, Kenny.  Everyone else gets to show what they want.  No problem.  But, when I have the tiniest amount of freedom from the fucking voices that are telling me how much I suck at life and that I don’t deserve anything, I can’t get angry?  I can’t feel what I’ve kept bottled up inside for God knows how long?”  Karen grunted behind them.  Kenny could see a faint blush spread across Heidi’s face as she looked at the child on his back.  Guilt was heavy in her eyes.  “It’s not fair,” her voice was just above a whisper.

    “Life isn’t always fair.  Hate to break it to you.”

    “I guess not.”  Absently, Heidi changed direction from her home. 

    “Where are you going?”  Kenny called out to her.

    “Somewhere,” she said back loudly in the darkness.  It was becoming clear to him that she wanted to be alone.  And, at the moment, Kenny was fine with it.  He was beyond exhausted; from work, school, his home, spending almost six hours with a group of people who had no business with each other.  For constantly trying.  He got it.  If he could, Kenny would just disappear without anyone being the wiser.

    “My stuff is still at your house.”

    “I’ll bring it to you tomorrow,” Heidi replied as she tucked both of her headphones in her ears.  With the distance and Heidi not listening to anything more he could say, there was no way that Kenny would be able to reach her.  Just as before, long ago, she was slipping away.

    “Fine, be that way,” he huffed more angry at himself than anything.  He could have gone after her.  But instead, Kenny turned to head towards his own home in the opposite direction.  He wanted a cigarette.  Bad.  Though Karen was in his company, he was almost tempted to break his own rule of never smoking around her.  Almost.

    Kenny continued to walk home in silence.  He stopped a few times to catch his breath, and to throw his sister up his back.  He should really stop smoking.  But, part of him feared that if he did so, he would lose himself.  And, that had to be something that could never happen.  Because, if Kenny allowed himself to break down, to acknowledge everything he kept hidden away, Karen would probably be alone.  Then, who would she have if he was gone?  His mother and father?  Maybe.  But, they had not been there for him when things got rough.  So, why would they for her?

    As he turned the knob of his front door, Kenny walked as quietly as he could to his sibling’s room to put Karen in her bed.  She tossed and turned as he watched her grab at her covers blindly.  Slowly, Kenny carefully pulled her bedclothes over her body.  Almost instantly, Karen began to fall into a deep sleep.  He stood there for a moment.  Even if everyone left him, at least Karen would stay by his side.  He was sure of that.

    Tired, Kenny scratched the back of his head as he went to his own room.  The weight of his body on his mattress caused the springs to whine.  Bending down to undo his boots, Kenny could feel himself getting angry again.  Just as Heidi had said, he was starting to feel that he deserved better.  That everyone around him was able to do as they pleased, and have a good time, so why was it difficult for him to have the same?  As he fell back against his old, incredibly lumpy, pillow, he retrieved his phone from his pocket.

    For a moment, he stared at the screen needing someone, anyone to be awake.  His face twisted deep in thought.  Not thinking, he pulled up his messages with Tammy.  As his fingers danced across the screen, Kenny thought that it would be best to think about mechanical gyrations with the girl that would be more than willing to provide him with the certain comfort of forgetting.  Reading over his text, Kenny waited before pressing send.

** Heidi<3: **

Hey.

    Watching the Text loop the top of his screen, Kenny delayed his text to Tammy. 

** Heidi<3: **

Some days I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit.

    He could not help but feel the tug at the corner of his mouth.  Of all the things to say, Heidi had decided to quote him song lyrics?  Still, the words stung just as they had when they had been at the Village Inn.  Normal.  What did that even mean?

** Heidi<3: **

Hello?

    Kenny rolled his eyes, not able to ignore her any longer.

** KennyM: **

Yeah?

** Heidi<3: **

You’re still awake?

** KennyM: **

Obviously.

** Heidi<3: **

Can we talk?

** KennyM: **

Be my guest.

     Even through texts, Kenny was sure that Heidi could hear the tone in the way he replied.  It might have been a bit too curt.  But, at that moment, he did not care.

** Heidi<3: **

So, I was thinking.  I did want to be angry.

** KennyM: **

You said that already.

Heidi<3:

Let me finish.

    Kenny rolled over to his side.  His phone fell beside him as he closed his eyes, counting the vibrations until they stopped.

** Heidi<3: **

I wanted to be angry because I felt alone.

Even with you around, everything else felt fake.

And, I began to wonder if it had always been

like that.

I guess I had a revelation.

Things changed, and there’s no way for them

to go back to how they used to be.

I can scream and cry and beg for them to,

but that won’t change anything.

** KennyM: **

Brilliant deduction, my dear Watson.

How ever did you come to that conclusion?

    There was a minute that passed before Kenny started to feel remorse.  It was not Heidi’s fault that things for him took more time to work themselves out.  That there was a bitterness in his heart.  Quickly, he started to apologize.  However, before he was able, a picture popped up on his screen.  He looked at it, the background familiar.  Kenny felt his eyes squint as little by little, he recognized a street in his neighborhood.

** Heidi<3: **

I was listening to this song on repeat.

Because I wanted to feel my thoughts.

And, then I found myself carrying this bag,

following the stars until I ended up here.

    Another image sent.  This time, Kenny noticed that it was his street.  The view he saw every time he looked outside his room.  Sitting up in his bed, the blonde tried to peer out his too far away window without being noticed.  Nothing.  Standing quietly, more so than he needed to be, he tip-toed over to look for the last place Heidi had sent.

** KennyM: **

Where are you?

** Heidi<3: **

Can’t you tell?

** KennyM: **

No?

    A flash right below him.  She had found a seat on the ground underneath his window.  His phone vibrated in his hand.

** KennyM: **

Still nothing.  Can’t you just tell me?

    A grumble sounded from her as she began to stand.  His hand flew to his face as he tried to stifle a laugh.  Unseen, Kenny watched as she walked into his yard.  As she turned around to take a picture, she saw him posing in his room.

** Heidi<3: **

Dick.

    Kenny felt himself smile as he opened his window.  Pulling out a cigarette from his coat, he spoke out to Heidi.

    “So, why did you come here?”

     “I felt bad about not taking you back to my house, to get your things.”

     “That all?”  He saw Heidi shift uncomfortably as she walked towards him.

    “No…”  He leaned out into his yard.  With careful hands, he lit his cigarette, waiting for her to continue.  “I didn’t want to go to sleep.  Forcing myself awake seemed like the best option.  Maybe I’m used to being up til like one or two in the morning now.  And, maybe I felt bad about storming off.”

    “Is that an apology?”

    “Not really.  I’m allowed to feel how I want, without anyone having the right to tell me otherwise.”  There was the slightest smirk on her lips.

    “Really profound.  I’m impressed.  Wonder where you heard that from.”

    “Shakespeare.”  Kenny fell over his windowsill in a fit of quiet laughter.

    “Smartass.”  Heidi giggled quietly to herself, proud of what she said.  As they both calmed down, she pulled his duffle bag over her shoulders.  Holding it outstretched, Kenny slowly took it from her.  As he placed it on the floor next to him, he asked her a question absently.

    “What are you going to do now?”

    “No idea.  I asked Wendy to cover for me if my parents asked where I was… I’m not sure if she will, though.  I mean she would, but, I don’t know.  So I'm probably just going wander around until I get tired enough to head back home.”

    “Why not stay here?”  Once again, Kenny was surprised by how candid he was around her.  It made him wonder.  “If you want.  I could always walk you home.”

    “No, I think I would like to stay… I… I don’t think that I want to be alone.”

    “Come on,” Kenny whispered as he leaned over to the paneling of his house.  With delicate precision, the cherry that burned away his cigarette fell to the ground between them without ruining what he had left.  He thought it odd, as he saw Heidi step it out.  Surely, it would have died on its own.  Still, the gesture made him grin.  Nodding to herself, Heidi began to walk towards his front door.  “Where are you going?”  He asked, propping his head on his hand.

    “To your door?”  She thought aloud, turning back towards him.

    “Why?  My window is open.”  Her face read blasphemy.  Yet, Heidi still made her way back towards him.  Hesitantly, she stood as her hands rested on the metal guides not sure it would be the right thing to do, entering his home through his window.  “It’s fine, I promise,” Kenny reassured.  Again, he watched as she nodded as if she tried to gain some kind of courage.  Her arms stretched out to meet him, Kenny grabbed hold of her.  “Ready?”  She bit at her lip as her eyes closed tightly.

    With one firm yank, and the pair found themselves standing in the middle of Kenny’s room.  Suddenly, Kenny heard Heidi let out a deep yawn.  Maybe she was more tired than she thought.  Before Kenny was able to usher her to his bed, she did so on her own accord.  He was flabbergasted.  When was it normal for her to feel at home at his place?  Still where he was, Kenny felt something turn.  Any hate he had before was gone.  Any notion of self-pity melted away.

    “I’m not going to wait forever, Kenny,” she mumbled, eyes already closed, as she held his blanket over her body, open for him to join her.

    “Wouldn’t you be more comfortable if I slept on the floor?”  In the darkness, Kenny was able to see the shaking of her head.  “Sure?”  The sound of his whispers were worried.  Not that he could not trust himself around a female body in his own bed.  Just, it felt strange to be so welcomed without needing something in return.  As if he belonged.  Carefully, he made his way over to his bed.  As he crawled in underneath his covers, the two of them were inches apart.  Both of them were still fully clothed.  Normally, he would feel unpleasant in his own bed unless he was almost completely naked.  But, he had to remind himself, that this was not normal.  Nothing between he and Heidi was.

    “See?  It’s safe here,” Heidi whispered as she drifted to sleep.  Unconsciously, he felt her nuzzle closer to his body.  Maybe it was because it was cold; he had forgotten to close his window.  But, with the absence of any shiver, Kenny thought that maybe, she did feel safe around him.  Carefully, his arms wrapped around her body.  There was a slight tremble in his chin as he slipped away—someone else was willing to reach for him, to catch him, to be by his side.  Kenny felt a warmness wash over him.  In true definition, he was for all intents and purposes, safe in her company.


	5. Freshman Year Part  Five; Caught

    Heidi stood in her room, looking longingly at the calendar that hung on her wall.  Her fingers combed through her messy bedhead; she was thankful to finally be on summer break.  No need to get up early.  No need to change out of her pajamas.  One more week was all she had left to wait.  _Jesus, this again?  Every year.  Spending the weekend in a sweaty convention center with nerds dressed up, bumping into you all the time.  Don’t you get tired of it?_   She felt a smile widen on her lips.  No, Heidi enjoyed going to the Denver Comic Con.  Even if she kept it hidden away from everyone at school, Heidi could feel at home surrounded by like-minded people.  No one knew who she was, knew what she thought.  What she had been through. 

    The spring months had been busy.  From she and Kenny both celebrating their fifteenth birthdays just weeks apart, to taking driver’s ed and getting their permits, to having end of the year exams, Heidi was glad that the school year was over.  During the summer, she had planned to spend her days doing absolutely nothing unless she had to.  But, there was a lot she felt like she had missed out on with her friends.  That meant that Heidi probably would be out of her home more often than she wanted.

    “Heidi,” her mother called from downstairs, “Breakfast is ready.”

    “Coming!”  In a rush, she made her way to her bedroom door.  Just as her hand touched the molding of her doorframe, there was a vibration from her phone on her nightstand.  

** ItsWendy: **

Hey, chick.  What’s up?

** Heidi: **

Getting some breakfast (:  Glad that school’s

finally done.

** ItsWendy: **

Agreed.  So, hey, the pool had been calling my

name since February.  The girls and I were thinking

about heading to Splashtown tomorrow. 

You down?

** Heidi: **

Absolutely (:

** ItsWendy: **

Perfect! I’ll let everyone know and we’ll swing

by to pick you up in the morning.

** Heidi: **

Great! (: 

** ItsWendy: **

I’m really glad you’re coming with us… We’ve

missed you.  I’m glad that you’re getting

back to the old Heidi.

    “Heidi?  It’s getting cold.”  Her mother beckoned once more.

    “Sorry!”  Heidi quickly ran downstairs, not before throwing her phone onto her bed.  Sitting at her place at the dinner table, she saw her father reading the paper as usual.  Months before, she had brought up that she had been smoking weed with a friend from school.  Not that they did not already know; she felt better knowing that she did not have to sneak around them anymore.  As expected, her father had been up in arms about his daughter turning into a delinquent.  But, after his initial outburst, he quickly calmed down.  Her mother told her that they had been aware for quite some time.  And, though they did not want their daughter to turn to drugs—however harmless—for some kind of therapeutic purposes, they could not argue that she was getting better.

    “This looks great,” Heidi whispered as she grabbed a knife.  _You know, I miss how you used to hate eating.  We really had some great times in the morning.  What do you say, one last hurrah for old time sake?_   Carefully, Heidi began to spread a thin layer of jam on a piece of toast.

    “Any plans for today?”  Her father mumbled as he turned a page.

    “Not really.”

    “You’re not going to be with the McCormick boy?”  Her mother asked as she joined her family with a hot cup of Tweak Bros. coffee in hand.

    “He said that he was going to spend time with his friends.”  Taking a bite of her toast, Heidi thought back to the conversation she had with him.  She was starting to feel guilty about taking him away from Stan, Kyle, and Eric.  Though Kenny tried to assure her that it was completely fine, she could not help but feel selfish.  “Besides, there’s a new game I’ve been wanting to play.  Well, not new; it’s been out for ages.  But, it looks really good.” 

    If there was one thing she was thankful for during her time with Eric, it was that he had shown her a world she had thought was out of her reach, where she did not belong.  Gaming.  However, she never had an interest in similar games that her ex played.  Even after they broke up, every so often, Heidi would find herself playing the same trilogy over and over again.  All her playthroughs were the same.  She had all the dialogue memorized.  The female version Commander Shepard had become her idol, someone she wanted to be, even if she had fallen down along the way.  But, so had the commander.  And, every time Shepard found herself against a wall and things seemed their darkest, she was able to make it through.

    “Are we still going to Denver?”  Her mother asked.  It would just be the two of them; a mother-daughter weekend.  Heidi lived for those moments, even if she had been rather recluse the past few years.

    “If we can.  I heard that there’s going to be this voice actor signing stuff…”  Heidi ducked her head sheepishly, “And, I would love for him to sign a poster…”

    “Of course, dear.  I’ll buy tickets today at work.  Do you know when they’re going to be there?”

    “Saturday from two till five, I think?  I have to double check the schedule.”  There was a grumble from her father as he flipped the morning paper.  ‘Girls aren’t supposed to like video games,’ he had chastised more than once.  ‘Too much violence.’  ‘It’s what’s wrong with the world today.’  ‘Those people are so lazy.  Why don’t they get a real job?’  But, there was so much more to it; getting lost in games and other worlds that her father would just not understand.  Heidi felt liberated.

    “Wonderful.”  There was a small pause before her mother spoke up again.   “We always see so many people dressed up.  Were you thinking about doing that this time?”  While Mr. Turner had been one to openly disagree with his daughter’s unusual interest, Heidi’s mother was more than supportive.  When she had first expressed interest, Nancy had bought their weekend tickets a whim.  Since then, the two of them had tried to go every year they could.  Sometimes, Heidi thought her mother was more excited about going more so than she was.

    “I don’t know.  I want to, but I have no idea who or what to cosplay as.  And, nice costumes take forever to put together.  I wouldn’t want to be a laughing stock because my outfit looks bad.”

    “Nonsense.  Isn’t that part of the fun?”  She smiled brightly towards her daughter.  “I’m sure the two of us could put together a nice costume for you in time to go.”

    “Really?”

    “Why not?  There’s bound to be a ton of that are pretty simple.”  There was a sparkle in her eyes as Heidi looked at her mother.  As soon as her parents would leave for work, she would begin the arduous task of finding a character she wanted to portray.

    “We should get going before we’re late Nancy,” her father finally spoke up.  No doubt tired of hearing his wife and daughter squeal over something that he himself did not understand.  With a nod, Heidi quickly finished her toast before her parents left her alone for the day.  As she said her goodbye’s as her parents left for work, Heidi ran back upstairs to her room, sliding the length of her escape—though on carpet with socks, she did not get very far.  As she stumbled, Heidi caught herself on her computer chair.  _Oh, my God.  How were you ever part of the cheer squad?_

    Instantly, all of her music popped up on her computer screen after she turned it on.  Her mouse scrolled up her monitor as she searched through the hundreds, maybe even thousands, of songs in her collection.  From beside her, Heidi pulled out her headphones; a well-developed gaming headset, complete with microphone though she could never bring herself to play MMO’s.  She wore a smile as the sun rose from the horizon; today was a good day.  Thus, it deserved a good song.  But, which one?  _Will you pick one already?  This is so annoying._   Finally, Heidi found it.  As the volume flooded everything around her, she began to lose herself to the music.  She let out a chuckle.  Coming to an end, Heidi waited for it to start over.  _All you ever do is listen to the same damn song on repeat.  Don’t you get tired of it?_  She let out a deep breath, counting as she waited.

    “Look.”  She began to bob and weave in tune with the beat while sitting comfortably in her chair.  “If you had one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip?”  Her voice thundered around the bedroom, almost totally foreign to her.  The old her, the broken her, would have kept to herself, locked away from the world.  But, just as Wendy had pointed out, Heidi was getting back to who she used to be.  And, she liked it.  She had not realized, how much she missed being actually happy.

    “You better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it, you better never let it go.  You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow.  This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you better.”  Blood coursed through her veins.  She was pumped, ready for anything and everything.  Nothing was going to destroy her anymore.  Heidi was sure of that.  _Don’t hold your breath._  Feeling in the zone, Heidi was able to concentrate on spending the day as she pleased.

    She could spend her day playing games.  Or, she could try to find something to use for a cosplay idea.  Debating her options, Heidi changed the song she was listening to, to something a bit more mellow yet still upbeat.  _Let me guess; you’re going to listen to it on repeat?_   She smiled to herself, double-clicking the repeat symbol.  _I swear you could just make a playlist.  Listen to all the songs you wanted. And then, big surprise, it would start over.  But no, you just have to keep the same song playing over and over and over again._

    The voice in her head was still persistent, even if it no longer held any real power.  Part of Heidi was comfortable with it now, in some twisted way she was sure.  But, there was a connection that she was not ready to leave just yet.  In her darkest times, it had been a constant, something that was always there when she would isolate herself from her friends and family.  Though it wanted nothing more than to cause her harm, Heidi never truly felt alone—even if it was its fault for her being alone in the first place.  Now, she was once more thriving in school.  She wanted to be a part of her friends and their outings.  And, if she got really bad, Kenny was there to light the way.

    Scanning various cosplay ideas online, Heidi felt herself begin to scowl.  Nothing seemed to spark an interest in her.  Nothing lit her soul aflame.  From her window, she saw something catch in the corner of her eye.  She quickly dismissed it when she did not see anything.  Back to her main focus, Heidi racked her brain.  What was she going to put together, in a week’s time of uninterrupted focus, that she would be proud of?  Her head jerked at a muffled sound from downstairs.  Heidi sat for a moment, but as she heard the same sound from her headphones, she rationalized that it was just her music starting to make her paranoid.  _Or, maybe someone’s trying to break in._

    Hesitantly, she went back to her search.  Characters from games were always popular.  But, there were only a few that she played religiously, and even from those, there would only be one or two that she would feel confident about.  Then, there were shows she could do.  However, Heidi was not into any kind of fandom she felt passionately for.  There was an anxious feeling creeping up behind her.  Heidi had come to learn that everything that was geek, was accepted—even if there were a few extremes and hardcore fans that would nitpick the slightest detail, the vast majority was more than open and welcoming. 

    She felt the voice roll its eyes.  _Seriously.  You know you want to be Shepard.  Why don’t you just try it?  If these fans are as nice as you make them out to be, surely they would accept anything you do.  And, if you get something wrong or have questions, they’re bound to help._  Was that actual support she was hearing?  Heidi stared blankly at her computer screen as she tried to wrap her head around what was so obvious; her very first cosplay would be Commander Shepard, first human Spectre, leader of the Alliance.  There was a tap on her shoulder.

    “Jesus,” Kenny said as he stepped back.  Heidi had turned around so quickly, she almost fell out of her chair, her face stricken with panic.

    “What the hell, Kenny?!”  She breathed heavily as her hand rested on her chest, trying to calm her racing heart.

    “I tried texting you, ringing and knocking on your door… Throwing stuff at your window…  When you didn’t answer anything, I might have snuck around and found your back door open.”  Heidi stood from in front of her computer as she walked over towards her bed where she had laid her phone down.  Sure enough, there were multiple texts from the blonde.

    “I thought you were going to hang out with the guys today?”  She said as she sat down, reading his messages.

    “Stan is shopping with Wendy; something about buying a new swimsuit for tomorrow.  Cartman is with Butters, and Kyle is picking his cousin up from the airport.”

    “And you couldn’t join any of them because?”  She raised a disapproving brow, not wanting to steal Kenny away from his friends.  On his hands, Kenny counted the reasons why he would rather not spend the day with the boys.

    “Stan said he missed one on one time with his girlfriend; which is understandable.  I guess they aren’t as bad as I thought.  Cartman is just gonna be bullying Butters and if I try to intervene, I’ll just be the bad guy.  And, have you met Kyle’s cousin?  No fucking way dude.”  A ding sounded from Heidi’s computer.  She froze, hoping that Kenny would not notice as an email rolled across the top of her phone.  But, that would be too much to hope for.  Slowly, Kenny walked over to her computer.

    “What are you looking for?”  He asked curiously. 

    “Just some things for a project.”

    “Uh-huh…”  Heidi knew that tone.  If she did not give him a complete answer, the poor boy would pester her until he was satisfied.

    “My mom and I are going on a trip…”

    “And so, naturally, you’re looking at…” She felt his eyes narrow as he read her search thread, “Cosplay ideas?  Totally makes sense.”

    “We’re going to the Denver Comic Con next week,” she mumbled, her secret out.

    “Notuh,” he said in disbelief.  Casually, Kenny sat in her computer chair as music bumped through her headphones.

    “We go every year,” Heidi continued to admit.  “Since fourth grade.”

    “Prove it,” Kenny demanded as he tilted back to look at her.  With red cheeks, Heidi stood from her bed, walking over to her closet unhurriedly.  _Are you really going to show him all the tickets and junk you’ve collected through the years?  This is going to be priceless.  I can’t wait to see his face._   Delicately, she pulled out a large box, hidden away from prying eyes.  In the middle of her room, Heidi untucked the folds of cardboard.

    “Dude!”  He yelled as her most prized possessions, neatly stacked on top of each other, came into view.  With shaky hands, Heidi grabbed at knickknacks, bobblehead figures, and t-shirts.  “This is fucking awesome!”  She watched as he took things in his hands, spreading them out between spaces on the floor.  “I can _not_ fucking believe this… What?!  You have shit from Dragon Age Origins?  Fucking how?!  I’ve looked all over.  Everything is always like fifty bucks or more.”

    “I got them like two years ago… Someone was trying to get rid of them…  They had them marked down.”

    “A fucking beholder?!”  In his hands was a small model box, a creature with a single eye and tentacles seeming to float in the air as packaging held it in place.

    “Careful, Kenny.  Your nerd card is showing,” she whispered, trying to hide her own embarrassment and growing excitement.  He was the first to see her collection.  She felt a weight being lifted from her shoulders as Heidi had someone to share her undisclosed hobby with.

    “Shut the fuck up,” he said, still digging deep within the box.  She let out a hearty laugh.  “Why didn’t you ever mention any of this?”

    “I was afraid that people wouldn’t understand, or judge me…”  Kenny glared up at her.  Though he said nothing, it was painted clear on his face; ‘Fuck ‘em’. 

    “So, you were looking for cosplay ideas?”

    “Yeah…  My mom said that I should do it this year.  But, the con is a week away and I don’t know what to do.”

    “Why don’t you just do an original character?”

    “Because, if I do go as someone, I’d want to do something that would be recognizable.”  Kenny nodded in agreement.  After the initial shock of his discovery, he sat back on his hands.

    “There’s plenty of things here that you could draw inspiration from.”

    “Yeah, but none of them pop, you know?  I want to go big or go home.  And, I’m running out of time to go big…”

    “Hmm,” Kenny pondered.  “It’s the first day of summer.  Tomorrow everyone’s going to the pool.  You’re going too, right?”  Heidi nodded in acknowledgment.  “Good.  So, even with that, you still have time if you just, like, go all out.  Even if you’re meticulous about it, I’m sure that you would be able to get it done.  Hell, I can help out whenever possible.”

    “Well… I did have an idea…” Heidi spoke up sheepishly.  Kenny stared at her.  Why did she even bother anymore without speaking complete thoughts?  “Female Commander Shepard.”  He sat silently, his eyes growing wide.  “What?”

    “That’s fucking perfect!  Dude, let’s go!”

    “Go where?”

    “The craft store!  They’re bound to have everything you need.”

    “Alright, lemme text my mom and see if she can give me some money.”  Together, they stood from Heidi’s floor, almost ready to leave.  As Heidi waited for an answer from her mother, she noticed Kenny starting to exit her room.

    “Where are you going?”  Heidi asked, following diligently.  With his back still turned, as he walked down the stairs, he replied.

    “To give you privacy.  Unless,” he paused, looking at her with a cocky smile, “You would feel more comfortable going in nothing but a stringy tank and short shorts.”  She was confused.  Her lips pursed together as she tried to understand what he could have possibly meant.  Suddenly, like getting struck by lightning, Heidi felt her cheeks burn with fire.  It had not resonated with her, that the entire time Kenny was in her room and the two of them sat on her floor, that she was still in her PJ’s.  Covering what she could, Heidi ventured back into her room, closing her door behind her.

    “That’s what I thought,” Kenny called as he continued down the stairs.

    After changing and receiving a text from her mother—along with a transfer of money—Heidi and Kenny went on their way down to the store.  During the midmorning, they found themselves part of the very few patrons that roamed the establishment aimlessly.  When they found something either of them thought would work, Heidi put it into her cart; if she was set on doing this cosplay in such a way that would make her feel confident in her handiwork, she was going to grab any and everything that caught her eye.  Which was rather impulsive, she learned as they neared the register.  Swept up in their shopping spree, Heidi had failed to keep track of how much she was spending.  Anxiety began to grip her chest as she watched her total go up with each item scanned.

    “… Might have to put a few things back…” she whispered to herself as she checked her bank account.

    “Nah, I can help pay for a few things,” Kenny offered.  Heidi felt her eyes grow wide with terror.

    “What?  No, I couldn’t ask you to do that.”  Waving her hand away, Kenny pulled out his wallet, counting the few bills he had.  She tried to keep her gaze from its contents, it would be rude to see how much money the blonde had on his person.

    “I’m offering.  Can we pay half in cash and the other on a card?”  He asked, dismissing Heidi’s growing outburst.

    “Half?!”  She panicked.  After everything was rung up and put into bags, she saw the total; $175.42.  “Kenny, that’s ninety dollars!”  Without hesitation, he handed the cashier a hundred dollar bill.  She grumbled to herself as a blush covered her face.  During one of their study sessions, Kenny had let slip that he was working part-time at a gas station.  Money seemed to always be tight within his home.  Or rather, not always spent wisely.  So, he had taken it upon himself to earn what was needed to provide when his parents could not.  It was recently that he received a pay raise, which meant he could spend more on things that were pleasurable.  Paying for the rest of her purchase, they took their bags and began to walk back to Heidi’s house.

    “I really wish you hadn’t done that.”

    “I don’t get why it’s such a big deal…”  He said nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders.

    “Cause, Kenny… I was supposed to pay for everything…”  Heidi watched her feet stepping on the concrete below her, making sure avoid any cracks.  He was even carrying the majority of her purchase.

    “It’s what friends do, right?  Besides, if it’s really a big deal,” he started as he stopped walking, a pizza shop catching his attention, “Why don’t you treat me to lunch?”  Heidi followed his gaze, her stomach begging to growl.

    “Deal.  But, can we drop everything off first?”

    “Sure.”

* * *

    Heidi and her friends arrived at Pi-Pi’s Splashtown early in the morning, yawning at the ungodly hour on the first honest day of summer.  With their group of friends, Heidi had noticed that Karen and Ike had come along as well.  They stood in line eagerly with towels and bags in hand.  Wendy had reassured Heidi the night previously that today was going to be as relaxing as possible.  Not that she could relax; she had her costume to work on.  After returning home the day before, Heidi had turned off her phone so that she and Kenny could work in peace; only to turn it back on to text Wendy about their plans.  Surprisingly, the two of them had made a decent amount of progress.  The majority of her armor—which, a totally armored Shepard only seemed right to cosplay as—was outlined and cut out.  All she had left to do was soften the edges, paint the material, and attach the plates to pieces to underclothes she was sure that she would never wear again.  The true test of her abilities would come with the fine details.

    After dinner, Kenny left to head to work.  Needing some more motivation, she had unconsciously stayed up the entire night playing Mass Effect.  If there was a time when she needed the strength of Shepard, it was then.  Besides, she was nearing her favorite part in the third game; the first human Spectre’s date with Garrus—her only true romance, in Heidi’s opinion.  The two were comrades in arms, lovers in the middle of war.  Still, the interspecies liaison managed to come back time and time again; no matter the situation.

    Heidi shifted her sunglasses the length of her nose as she tried not to glance over at Kenny who kept his distance.  His face was haggard, and it seemed obvious to her that he was growing annoyed with the constant complaining and whining of Kyle’s cousin Kyle.  She could not help but hide a smile; so that was what he meant.  Nearing the ticket stand to pay for their entry, Heidi reached into her bag for her wallet.

    “I got this,” Wendy said as she touched Heidi’s wrist.  “It’s my treat.”  She smiled back kindly to the black-haired beauty.  Entering the water park, the girls made their way to the locker area.  The five of them had only received two keys, to which Bebe complained.  How were they going to fit all their belongings in two tiny cubbyholes? Being the problem solver she was, Wendy went to go find Stan.  When she returned, he was following in tow.

    “The boys said that they only needed three lockers.  They have another that their not using.  Anyone want to volunteer?”  From the corner of her eye, Heidi watched as Bebe’s hand rose.

    “I’ll go,” she spoke up suddenly.  Everyone turned to look at her. 

    “I’ll go too,” Karen hesitantly whispered, quickly standing next to Heidi.  She felt the nervous grab of her hand as the small girl seemed to be anxious around those she did not recognize.  Especially her high school girlfriends.  It was probably their maturity—which Heidi too was often unnerved by, making apparent her own insecurities—that was the cause of Karen’s worry.  Or rather, made her self-conscious.

    “As long as I get my own,” Bebe commented as she grabbed their second key from Wendy.  “Thank you,” she sung.  There was a loud clunky scream from the hinges as the locker opened.  Quickly, Bebe stuffed all her belongings into the hole, beginning to take off her airy over clothes.

    “Damn Bebe,” Red said as she did the same.  “You really got some knockers.  Care to share?”  Tying her curly locks up in a sloppy bun on top of her head, Bebe let out a hearty laugh while Red showcased her barely there, not-really-noticeable-unless-you-looked boobs.

    “Not on your life.  I need them.” There was a shared laugh between them.  As Heidi waited for her escort to her new locker, she could not help but see Wendy whisper into Stan’s ear.

    “Alright,” he sighed, looking over to Heidi.  “Come on.”  With a wave, she and Karen followed him closely.  While they walked together, she noticed that he still had his towel with him, tucked safely away between his arm and body.

    “You good?”  Stan asked suddenly.  Heidi was surprised.  The two of them never really talked with each other now, unless there was Wendy in their company.

    “Yeah.  Why?”

    “Wendy said you looked tired.  Like you had been up all night.”  Her face turned crimson as she felt caught.  She cursed her friend for being so observant.

    “Y-yeah…  I was… ”

    “Doing what?”  His tone was causal.  He could have left her alone, but if he did, she was sure that Wendy would tear into him later.

    “G-gaming,” she stuttered.

    “No way,” Stan said in disbelief.  He had stopped walking to turn and face her.  “Playing what?”

    “Mass Effect,” she whispered.

    “Which one?  You know there’s three, right?”

    “Yeah, I know… I’ve played them all.  Multiple times…  With all the DLC.”

    “Dude!  For real?”  Heidi felt her blush deepen.  She had wanted to keep her guilty pleasure a secret from the boys and the girls.  Even if Kenny had learned her secret during their conversations while in the process of her costume making, she had sworn him to secrecy.

    “Male Shep or FemShep?”

    “FemShep… Duh.  I’m a girl.”

    “Pfft.  Don’t feed into the stereotype dude.  Plenty of people play both.  I’ve played FemShep a few times.  The guys are gonna love this,” Stan said as he started walking again, his pace quicker than before.  Rounding a corner, Heidi saw both Kyles, Ike, Kenny, and Cartman sitting on a bench as they waited for Stan to return.  Heidi heard Kyle number two and Cartman going on with a debate of some sort while the other boys seemed to tune them out.

    “Guys,” Stan enthused, handing Heidi her key absently, “You’re not going to believe this.”  She felt herself grow small as all eyes were on her.  “Heidi.  Games.”

    “Seriously?  Kyle number two asked, shock prevalent in his eyes as he glanced over to Heidi who was now trying to focus on putting her things away.  Karen was in better spirits as she was in the company of her brother and his friends.  She was already in her bathing suit, and her things put away, as Heidi put down her own bag.

    “Dude no way,” Cartman started, “Girl’s don’t game.  Unless it’s, like, Hello Kitty; Island Adventure.”

    “Shut-up, Fatass.  They do too.  Remember we used to play Call of Duty in school?  How many times did they kick your ass?”

    “Notuh, Kahl.  They lack the coordination to do so.  Because their feminine brains aren’t wired to handle situations that require quick thinking.  What they did in elementary school must have been a fluke.  That, or they were cheating.”

    “Bet I have more achievements than you do,” Heidi heard herself whisper.

    “In what?”  Cartman said, his hands crossing his chest.  She could have answered, giving him the opportunity to question and judge everything she said.  However, she did not have the energy, nor the want, to humble him.  Instead, she quickly undressed before anyone else was able to harass her and what she liked to play.  Locking up her things and taking her key, Heidi hurriedly set off to reunite with her girlfriends.  Karen had said that she and Ike would be fine by themselves as the boys went on to find their own amusement.

    Wendy, Bebe, and Red were already laying out on lounge chairs when she found them.  The four girls would spend the better part of the morning there, reapplying sunscreen every so often.  They would talk casually when the mood struck, only for it to die down shortly after; tanning was exhausting and required most of their attention.  Around noon, they were joined by the boys, who were ready to have lunch.  Together, everyone crowed a small circular table—complete with an umbrella for shade from the heat—snacking on small foodstuffs, sharing plans for summer vacation.

    Heidi kept to herself.  Part of her wondered why she had agreed to make plans with her friends in the first place.  At that moment, she wanted nothing more than to be in the comfort of her home away from everyone, throwing herself into working on her get-up.  _Don’t kid yourself.  You came because you wanted to see him._  She was thankful for the red sun-kissed skin that covered her from head to toe.  Otherwise, Heidi was sure that everyone would notice her flush.  Sheepishly, and with the protective shield of her sunglasses, she peaked over to Kenny, who was sucking down an ice cold blended drink.  So, maybe seeing Kenny that day was part of the reason she came.  Heidi had to admit, she did enjoy his company.  And, while the rest of her friends and the boys could be entertaining, there was still a feeling of being an outcast.  But, as long as Kenny was there, her own anxiety disappeared.

    The rest of the day was spent much the same.  While the boys went on to explore various slides, encouraging each other to go on one more extreme than the last, the girls floated around the lazy river chatting about whatever came to mind.  Ike and Karen had decided to have their own time in the whirling circular stream, swimming by the girls multiple times.  When it was time to head home, Heidi found herself waiting for her mother alone after just about everyone had left.  Everyone except for Kenny and Karen.  _Of course, he would be here_.  The voice sighed heavily. 

    “I expect to see pictures of the con,” he said suddenly as he watched Karen played on her phone.

    “And if I can’t?”

    “Not acceptable.”  Heidi smiled to herself as she spied her mother pull up to the curb.   As she buckled her seatbelt, Heidi turned to wave at Kenny, already stepping away to head home as he took Karen’s hand protectively.

    “Do they need a ride?”  Heidi heard her mother say, looking in the rearview mirror.

    “I don’t know.  I thought he was waiting for his parents to pick them up…” 

    “We should give them a ride.  At least back to South Park.”  Her eyes darted to the slow, meticulous turning of the steering wheel as her mother’s car went back around to meet the brother and sister duo.  “Come on, hun.  I’ll give you a ride.”

    “That’s alright,” Kenny spoke, “It won’t take us long to walk home.”

    “That’s ridiculous.  Get in the car, child.”  Her voice was as firm as it was motherly.  A tact she had perfected while being the moderator between Heidi and her father whenever she had done something that he disproved of.  Without another attempt to send her away, Kenny opened the back door, sliding in behind Heidi.  As soon as Karen was safely fastened in the backseat beside her brother, she fell asleep.  Her skin was burned, Heidi noticed.  She herself was all too familiar to the effects of being in the sun all day, despite applying and reapplying sunscreen.  The rest of the ride was quiet, her mother trying to fill the silence with idle chatter. 

    “So I bought the tickets yesterday for the con.  Two day passes.  I was looking at the website; who was it you wanted to meet?”

    “Steve Blum,” Heidi spoke softly.

    “He’s so handsome!  Oh my goodness, I might have to find something myself, just to talk to him… Don’t tell your father.  He would lose his mind…”  Nancy gushed.

    “… Mo-om…”

    “What?  It’s true!  I can see why you wanted to get something signed.  Don’t worry, honey.  I’ll make sure to get a few things.”  Behind her, Heidi heard the stifling of a snicker as Kenny looked out the window, hand over his mouth.

    Pulling into the driveway, Heidi was thankful that her mother was able to keep a conversation with herself.  Though it was mostly about the Denver Comic Con they were going to go to, it was a conversation nonetheless.  After Kenny left to go home shortly after their arrival with Karen carefully on his back, Heidi went straight up to her room.  All day, she had been waiting to get back to her game and her cosplay.

    “Don’t get too involved,” her mother said at the bottom of the stairs as she started to head up, “I’ll have dinner ready shortly.  Make sure to put on some aloe.  And, take some pain meds.  You’re as red as a beet.”

    “Yes ma’am,” Heidi replied tiredly.  In her room behind a closed door, Heidi carefully changed into loose-fitting clothes—the aftermath of spending all day in the sun was catching up to her.  As she did so, she imagined the scene she was so close to achieving; the final cinematic with Anderson as they looked down onto the Earth, saved from the wrath of the Reapers.  It never failed to bring a tear to her eye.  Out of all the people in the galaxy that turned their back on Shepard—with the exception of her crew—Anderson had stayed by her side, without fail.  They had won, but at a cost that was staggering.  Rebuilding the Alliance, Earth, and all the planets affected would be trying, but they had been able to overcome so much before; fixing the galaxy would be a walk in the park.  At least, it would be with everyone working together. 

    Heidi was able to finish her playthrough just as her mother called her.  During dinner, she was quiet.  After she was done eating, Heidi cleared her area from the dinner table, yawning as she walked back up to her room.

    “Don’t stay up too late,” Mr. Turner mentioned as he took a seat on their sofa, “I don’t want you messing up your sleep schedule.”

    “Yes sir,” she replied, slowly making her way up the stairs.  Back in her room, Heidi sat in her computer chair.  Commander Shepard looked back at her.  Her face was scared, her eyes were tired.  Yet, there was hope.  With the possible end of the universe, she still had to try.  A smile pulled at the corners of her lips.  Where would Heidi be if it were not for the stories in her games?  The strong role models, faced with great adversary, that were able to succeed.  Make it through the near impossible.  It was comforting to know, that maybe, just maybe, the same could be said for her.  After all, this past school year, she had been able to overcome most of her wounds, her emotional torture.  On her bed, there was the sound of Garrus speaking about his scars.  She blushed, knowing who was texting her without looking.

** Kennyyy(: : **

You better not stay up all night working

on your cosplay.

** Heidi: **

And if I do?

** Kennyy(: : **

You’re going to be a wreck for the con.

** Heidi: **

It’s a week away.  I’m pretty sure that I

would be able to get enough rest before

then.

** Kennyyy(: : **

Uh-huh.  Go to bed.  You looked tired.

    Heidi smiled at her screen.  Maybe it was because she was tired, but something within her felt light.  All of the things that had been holding her down for years were almost gone, not mattering much anymore.  The light at the end of the tunnel was always in view when she talked with Kenny.

** Heidi: **

I could say the same for you.  Did you

get burned as bad as Karen?

** Kennyyy(: : **

Nah.  She’s a lot more sensitive than I am.

** Heidi: **

Make sure she takes care of it so that she

feels better sooner.

** Kennyyy(: : **

And, how does one do that?  I’m sure you

know how to get rid of sunburns quickly.

** Heidi: **

It’s a talent, I’ll admit (;

** Kennyyy(: : **

Lol.

** Heidi: **

Make sure she gets in a cold shower, takes some

painkillers, and puts on aloe vera.  If she needs

to, only sleep with a sheet… The heat radiates,

even with all that.  It’ll probably make her

uncomfortable otherwise.

** Kennyyy(: : **

Will do.

** Heidi: **

Get some sleep.

** Kennyyy(: : **

There’s no rest for the wicked.

** Heidi: **

Are you working tonight?

** Kennyyy(: : **

Yup.  But, it shouldn’t be too bad.  I think a

lot of people are out of town.  You know, the

beach and shit.

** Heidi: **

I’d love to go the beach… I’ve never been.

** Kennyyy(: : **

We should go.

** Heidi: **

Like, together?

** Kennyyy(: : **

That’s why I said ‘we’. 

    A blush slowly spread across her face.  Or it might have been the sunburn.  But, if that was the case, then what was the reason for her heart beating wildly against her chest?

** Heidi: **

I thought it was rather ambiguous.

** Kennyyy(: : **

Ha.  Right, smartass.

But really, get some sleep.  If you do, then you’ll

be able to wake up earlier to work on your outfit.

** Heidi: **

Alright, I’m going.  Night kenny <3

** Kennyyy(: : **

Night Heidi.

** Heidi: **

If I wake up, can I still text you?

** Kennyyy(: : **

You can always text me.  No idea why you still ask.

** Heidi:   **

Sometimes I have to say things, just to say them. 

No idea why you haven’t picked up on that.

** Kennyyy(: : **

Good night, Heidi.  Sweet dreams.

** Heidi: **

Good night kenny <3 Have a good night at work.

* * *

    “Almost…. There,” Nancy stepped back to look over her effort.  Working hard for the past week with the help from Kenny when he was able, and surprisingly from her father, Heidi had managed to complete her cosplay outfit.  And, it looked pretty good for her first time.  The night before the con was supposed to start, she and her mother had arrived at their hotel.  How they were able to get one closely located to the convention center was a mystery to her; typically, it would be a nightmare booking a room so close to con time.  But, somehow, Nancy had been able to get them a room.  They went out to dinner together, talking about school, Heidi’s friends, how she was doing. 

    Heidi thought it was odd to ask how she was, but, it was important to her mother.  Since she had been improving the past months, she must have been curious as to how she was able to make such a quick recovery.  Though, it was painfully obvious.  Kenny had been there more than anyone, Heidi thought.  He was steadfast about making sure that everything was okay, day or night. 

    It might have been overkill, possibly still overkill.  However, it was working.  Then, as expected, Nancy brought up Kenny.  That conversation was kept short.  Heidi made sure of that.  She was not sure why, but it made her uncomfortable.  Not in a bad way.  Just, she wondered what it meant to be so taken care of.  If it was just because he was a good friend or if it was something else.  Regardless, the Turner household was thankful for it.

    The mother and daughter turned in early for the evening, wanting to make sure that they would have enough time to get everything perfect.  When her alarm sounded at six in the morning, Heidi wanted nothing more than to sleep in—it would be silly to get there early only to be done walking around the convention center hours before they would be waiting for when she would be able to get her memorabilia signed.  It was not until her mother shook her awake two hours later, that Heidi woke up.

    She showered, started the difficult task of putting on her costume one limb at a time.  When she thought she was ready, her mother stopped her; there was one last thing she needed.  If Heidi was going to bring Commander Shepard to life, her Shepard, she had to look the part.  Forced into a chair, Nancy used the multiple pictures Heidi had printed off of her custom FemShep to do her make-up just right.  In the middle of conflict, the commander never strayed away from being the epitome of class, confidence, and carry a ferocity that only comes from staring down the barrel of a kinetic firearm.

    With her transformation finished, Heidi had all but ran to the large mirror that hung just above the unused hotel dresser.  Her mouth dropped open, the girl in the reflection was nothing like she was used to.  But, she was Heidi.  Everything she had ever wanted and hoped.  Everything she saw in herself years ago when she was a little girl.  Everything she knew she could be.  A tear threatened to fall from her lids as Heidi was overcome with emotion.

    “Honey, what’s wrong?”  Nancy asked as her face was plagued with worry.

    “It’s perfect,” Heidi whispered, watching the girl in the mirror speak in time with her, the voice she heard matching the one that could only be Heidi’s and yet at the same time, was not hers.  It was all so surreal.  The only way that this could happen was in her dreams.  But, here she was, in the flesh, immortalizing her idol.  “Oh my God, Mom.  We have to take a picture.”

    “Then strike a pose!”  Her mother cheered, her own voice cracking as she watched her daughter stand in shock and awe, enveloping everything she had ever wanted.  With unsteady hands, Nancy took a few pictures, each one different from the last.  There were full body shots, head shots, silly and serious shots.  Anything and everything Heidi desired, it was done. 

    It was almost noon when they realized the time.  Doing her own research, Nancy wanted to be at the voice actor’s booth early, cementing their chance of being able to get their paraphernalia signed before he grew tired.  Bags in hand, the two of them walked out of their hotel room as they took to the elevator, then to the lobby.  There were one or two passer-byers that stopped them, wanting to take her picture, or to compliment her attention to detail.  Heidi had seen this happen a few times at every con.  Never did she think, however, that it would happen to her.

    “See, I told you, you should have done it,” Nancy whispered as they picked up their tickets from a row of tables.  With one o’clock just around the corner, they made it to the main floor.  It was loud as everyone tried talking over each other.  More people stopped them as they tried to make their way through the booths.  It was chaos and a bit overwhelming.  Still, Heidi loved every minute of it.  Finally, it was time.  The moment she had been waiting for since she and her mother had left South Park.  Standing in line, Heidi could feel herself beginning to shake with nervousness and excitement.

    “I’m a huge fan,” she could not help but blurted out hastily, laying down her poster of the Normandy storming away from some kind of explosion.

    “Glad to hear, Shepard,” Blum said in his Grunt voice.  She could have died at that moment and been truly happy.

    “Do you mind if I take a picture?”  Nancy spoke up.  With permission, Heidi walked behind the table, crouching down to be face level with the voice actor.  Smiling wide, she waited for the moment to be captured.  With another thank you, she joined her mother as they slowly walked through the crowds of people.

    “You look amazing,” her mother oozed.  “I’m so proud of you.”  Heidi held her phone in her hands, still trembling from her experience.  Quickly, she opened her messages with Kenny, sending him too many pictures. 

** Kennyyy(: : **

These are great.  You look like you’re having

a blast.

** Heidi: **

I am!

** Kennyyy(: : **

I’m glad.  You deserve it.  By the way, I’m

saving that last picture.

** Heidi: **

What?  Why?  Noo!  That’s embarrassing.

** Kennyyy(: : **

Why?  It’s my favorite one.  It’s you and your

real smile.

** Heidi: **

Fine…  Just don’t do anything weird with it.

** Kennyyy(: : **

You mean like this?

    Her breath caught in her throat as she waited to see what he was talking about.  A fire sparked her cheeks when she saw what he meant.

** Heidi: **

Especially that.

    “What’s the matter, Heidi?”  Nancy asked as she felt the awkwardness from her daughter.

    “I sent Kenny pictures of today… And, the one you just took he… He put it as his background.”

    “It’s a good picture, Heidi,” she said, waiting for food from one of the many vendors.  “Why wouldn’t he?”

    “I dunno,” she mumbled, rereading her most recent text messages.  Staring too long at the picture he has sent her.

    “Really like that kid,” Heidi heard her mother say under her breath as they found a table.


	6. Sophomore Year Part One; Exposed

    Heidi sighed at her reflection in the mirror.  Summer had finally come to an end, and school was starting in two weeks on Monday.  She was now in the second store that day as she and her mother had free time to go shopping for a new wardrobe.   She had been hanging out with Kenny as often as they could, spending their days at his house smoking together until they either ran out of weed or when it was time for her to go home.  As a result, Heidi had gained a bit of weight—which was giving her some expected anxiety.

    “Come on out, I want to see how that looks like on you.”

    “I don’t know…  I feel so gross,” she said behind the safety of the dressing room door.  Pinching the skin around her stomach, Heidi grimaced at herself.

    “Nonsense, honey.  I’m sure you look amazing,” Nancy tried to reassure.  It had been no secret that her daughter would be concerned with her image—years of monitoring her eating habits and noting when she refused to eat, it was hard to ignore.  The previous year, Heidi had been a full five sizes smaller.  She had dark circles under her sunken in eyes.  Her cheekbones were sharp, sickly looking.  Now, however, she had a glow, a life within her being.

    “Says you, Mom.  But, nothing looks right.  I feel like a balloon.”

    “You look healthy, Heidi.  Honestly, you look so much better,” she paused as Heidi timidly stepped out of the dressing room.  “See?  Gorgeous.”  She watched as Heidi tried to cover up her thicker thighs, exposed to the cool air because of a free-flowing skirt that rested just above her knees.  Together, they had picked out a few tanks and short sleeved shirts to go with various skirts, dresses, shorts, and capris.  Though fall was coming faster than they expected, Nancy had thought that the variety of her outfits would give Heidi options while it was still warm.  And, on colder days, she could wear sweaters and jackets.

    “You don’t think I look like a whale?”  Heidi blushed as her mother cooed.

    “No!  You’re adorable.  Why don’t we take a few pictures and send them to your friends?  I’m sure Kenny wouldn’t mind either.”  Heidi’s face turned a brighter red as she thought about sending him a preview of her in her new outfits.  Spending time with him almost exclusively over the summer had caused her to think about their friendship—and possible budding feelings for the poor boy.  He was nice to her, supportive of her guilty pleasures in games and comics.  He had helped her pick herself from the ashes of who she had become.  Even openly talked to her when she would have bad days; which still happened from time to time.  His words were never harmful, shaming, or cruel.  Somehow, he was able to make her see herself as he did.  In one instance, he had said that she even looked beautiful. 

    “Maybe just to the girls.  Kenny said that he was called into work today… I wouldn’t want to bother him.”  With her phone already out, Nancy had taken a few pictures without Heidi noticing.

    “If anything, I think it would make his day.  It’s obvious he thinks the world of you.”

    “He’s just being a good friend…”  She said, her face still crimson, as she looked at her mother who rolled her eyes.

    “There’s a difference between being a good friend and actually seeing you as a woman.  Sure, maybe, in the beginning, he was just being friendly.  But now in public, you two look like you’re a couple.  Always holding hands, laughing… You have a spark in your eyes when you talk about him.  When you look at him.”

    “That’s because I can’t keep my balance when we smoke… So he holds my hand so I don’t fall over…”  Again Nancy rolled her eyes.

    “Probably when you first started… I remember when you came home that first time.  You were a mess.  Since then, not so much.  And, what about when you spend nights out at the Village Inn?  I know you don’t come home sometimes … Your father might be oblivious, but I’m not.”

    “Our house is so far away… And, we’re both tired…”

    “Mhmm,” she said, typing away on her phone.  “So, do you like it?” Her mother asked as she changed the subject back to the matter at hand.  Heidi looked at her reflection, thankful for the conversation change.  She thought hard about who she saw.  Whether she wanted to admit it or not, Heidi had to agree that she did you look well.  There was no denying that she now carried herself with more confidence, more positivity.

    “I do… But… I can’t help but feel like I’m going back to see myself like I did while I was dating Eric…  And how he made me feel about my body…”  Nancy sighed at the mention of her daughter’s ex’s name.  Though it was years ago, she still felt a sense of anger for the boy that had almost destroyed her daughter.

    “Well, why don’t you ask your father about working out with him?  I’m sure he would like that if you’re concerned with gaining weight.”

    “I don’t want to gain muscles like he has, though.”

    “You can always run.  Or, we can enroll you in some dance classes?  Accentuate those curves you’re developing.”  Nancy wiggled her eyebrows playfully.

    “I’d like that,” Heidi said, giggling at her mother.  Planning the rest of her perspective outfits, the two of them went to finalize her purchases.  Until she fell asleep that night, Heidi wore a smile.  She felt good about herself.  Proud of thickness around her waist, in her thighs.  And, she would be lying to herself if she did not feel the tiniest bit of sexy as she twirled around in front of the mirror, trying on again the clothes she brought home.  The first day of school would be exciting. 

* * *

    There was a fluttering in her chest as Heidi stood at her bus stop.  She watched as a few of her classmates whispered back and forth to each other; no doubt talking about the new Heidi.  Today, she had decided on a flowy flower dress that fell just above her knees.  It was chilly as the sun slowly rose above the horizon.  However, thankful for her mother’s forethought, Heidi nervously played with the buttons of her cardigan.  She tried to focus on the club music that pumped through her headphones, focusing on the lyrics.  If anything, it was something else she could concentrate on, rather than the ogling of students that would not have thought twice about her before. 

    In the distance, she heard the roar of her bus over her headphones, already brimming with students from around town.  All of her friends and classmates would be talking loudly to themselves.  Heidi could not help but think of more whispers as she would pass them on her way to her seat.  Everyone staring at her, talking about her.  Her breath quickened as the yellow school bus came to a stop.  Any wish that she had to head back home before school started, vanished as the doors parted with a loud grinding of gears.  One by one, students climbed inside.

    Her hand touched the cold metal of the railing as she pulled herself up the steps.  With head down, Heid walked towards the back of the bus.  From the corner of her eyes, she waited to see if anyone paid her any attention.  She swallowed hard, ignoring the growing lump of timidness deep within her throat.  The only sound she could hear was the beating of her own heart in her ears.  Gradually, it became apparent to her, that the majority of the students showed no interest in how she looked, how she had changed from the former year.  No one cared.  She felt the slightest pull at the corner of her mouth as she found herself happy in the fact that she blended in.

    No longer was she Heidi, the girl who was wrapped up in appearances, concerned with what others believed about her.  If they did at all.  Now, she was Heidi, perfectly normal in her own world, in her own skin.  With her head held up so that she could see the other students, she found an empty seat behind a boy in his orange jacket.  Biting her lips to hold back a widening smile, she whispered a good morning.  His back was sitting against the window as he looked behind at her.  If she had to think of a word to describe his expression, wonder would have to be it as he said a good morning back to her.  For the rest of the ride to school, Heidi listened to her music as others played about.

    Nearing the school, Heidi looked out at the growing familiarity of the old building.  The rooftops were worn with age, the insides would be lit with old bulbs that were only replaced at the beginning of the year.  Students would line the hallways before class would start, catching up from their summer vacations.  Grey lockers would be assigned during the first home period, the sophomore students all in relatively the same area.  Though she was expecting everything to change this year, it was strange to Heidi how much things would stay the same.

    Standing from her seat, Heidi listened to a new song she had added to her playlist.  It started out soft, with a piano playing elegantly.  A beautiful, robust, voice wishing of love returned.  However, as the words began, Kenny stood in front of her.  His scent wafted passed her.  She almost caught herself breathing in too deeply, wanting to hold on to it a bit longer.  For a moment, she thought he was wearing some kind of cologne.  But, that never seemed to be his style.  No, it was probably his shampoo and body wash, she noted as his hair was still slightly damp.  Staring at his bookbag, she noticed that he had grown another inch or so more over the summer.  Kenny was already taller than she was since he and a few of the other boys shot up during middle school.  How had she not noticed before, she wondered.

    Just as she had her own kind of growth spurt over the summer, Heidi noticed that Kenny had too changed; more than just their added height difference.  His shoulders were broader, his voice was slightly deeper, his hair was cut shorter than the year prior and kept neatly in place from brushing it earlier that morning.  There was a nudge behind her, disrupting her guilt-ridden observations.  Turning to face the person responsible for making Heidi almost bump into Kenny, she saw the encouraging looks of Wendy and Bebe.

    “What?”  Heidi whispered back to her friends who were now bursting with low giggles and bright eyes.

    “Talk to him,” Wendy said back.  They were not blind to Heidi spending a lot of her time in the company of Kenny McCormick.  Her girlfriends had even casually added him into the conversation, just to see her reaction; which was, more often than not, her face turning red as she tried to change the topic.

    “About?  We talked last night…”

    “You know,” Kenny said over his shoulder, “It’s rude to talk about people behind their back.”

    “Then why haven’t you complimented Heidi on her outfit?”  Bebe shot back.  Together, they all stepped forward as students stepped off the bus, heading towards already crowded hallways.  “Doesn’t she look cute?”

    “I didn’t know that I needed to.”

    “Uh,” Bebe continued, “Boyfriends are supposed to do it all the time.”

    “See, watch,” Wendy agreed as she raised her voice, “Stan, don’t I look cute today?”

    “Sure.  But, when did you need me to validate how you look?”  Stan asked as he quickly turned around before exiting the bus.

    “To prove a point.”

    “We’re not dating,” Heidi said quickly before Kenny had the opportunity to say anything else.  In response, he simply pointed his thumb to her in agreement.

    “Still,” he added under his breath, “You do look nice today.”

    Leaving the flock of buses behind them, Heidi walked with her friends towards their home period classroom.  Finding seats in the acquainted biology lab, the girls sat around each other, filling their time with gossip and hopes for the school year.  As the final bell rang, their teacher walked through the door.  His face was tired, seemingly still on the schedule of summer.  Walking towards his large lab table, he put down a coffee cup, the steam still rising from recently being poured.  He sighed heavily as some students failed to calm down for announcements.  However, they quickly quieted as the all too familiar ding of the speaker system as a student read off of a provided piece of paper.

    There was the typical good morning greeting, welcome back students rhetoric followed by a list of lunch choices and a few more announcements about clubs and sports before they signed off.  Then it came time for locker assignments.  Heidi was more excited than she realized; there was just something about the empty metal cubbies that held so many prospects for the new year.  With her locker number in hand with a combination, she left for the halls. 

    Students spoke loudly, a bit too loud for Heidi’s comfort.  But, it was the first day of school, and everyone was enthusiastic to be back in their home away from home.  To see friends they had missed during summer vacation.  Twisting the knob on her locker, ghost images of all her books from classes and ones she borrowed from the library still engraved in between metallic walls flooded her memory from the year prior.  Putting her things away she thought she would not need, Heidi felt a presence sneak up beside her. 

    “Anatomy first period, right?”  Kenny asked as he waited for Heidi to finish, leaning back against the collection of empty lockers around her.  There was no point in going back to his own home period.  Attendance was already taken, and their first class would start shortly.  The night before as they were saying their goodnights, Heidi had started on a tangent of eagerness for her first class of the day.

    “Yup.  Are you taking it too?  First period?”

    “Yeah.  Chemistry sounded boring.”

    “I’m so excited.  I really hope that we get to dissect things.  I heard last year, that there was one for every chapter,” Heidi repeatedly explained as she shuffled through her books, putting them in order of her classes.

    “Really?”  He questioned, raising a brow at her.

    “Yeah, I find it really interesting.”  Grabbing her textbook, the two of them walked to one of the science labs.

    “Then, you better be my lab partner.”

    “Because you’re squeamish?  It’s okay to admit it, you know.”  Kenny let out a low chuckle.

    “Uh-huh.”  Entering their classroom, they picked a table in the back of the room.  Not that Heidi felt like she needed to disappear anymore, it was just out of practice.  As she sat next to the window, she put her book and a binder full of paper in the corner of the table.  It seemed to be the only good place; a sink divided their workstation in half.

    “So,” Kenny began, letting out a loud yawn as he slouched comfortably in his chair, “Why did Bebe think we were dating?  Perhaps, some deeply rooted desire?”  Heidi could not help but snort as she laughed too incredibly hard.  “Ouch, way to hit my ego,” he added, letting out his own snicker.

    “Oh my God, shut up,” she tried to explain through laughs, “Probably because we spend a lot of time together.  And, apparently, that means that we’re dating.  God forbid a boy and girl be anything besides really good friends.”

    “Uh-huh,” he said quietly as their teacher began to make their way towards the front of the classroom.  Before they were able to start the class, Kenny had already pulled his hood over his head as he crossed his arms, peacefully falling asleep.  When she thought he was on the verge of snoring too loudly, Heidi gave him a prod with her elbow.  Every so often between her notes, she would peek at him carefully.  He looked so at ease while he slept.  Maybe, even slightly handsome.  When the bell rang for the end of class, Heidi argued with herself about waking him up, just so that he would be able to get some much-needed rest.

    “Kenny,” she whispered, “Come on, wake up.  Class is over.”

    “Five more minutes,” he mumbled.

    “In five minutes, next period starts.”

    “Bullshit.”  Kenny glanced through the smallest opening between his lashes.

    “Totally serious, Kenny.  I should have woken you up before class ended, but you looked like you needed it.”

    “It’s fine.  I shouldn’t have fallen asleep…  I have P.E. next,” he stood, stretching his arms.  “I hope we don’t do anything too strenuous.”  Heidi felt herself blush as she remembered her next class.  That was the reason she had packed the clothes she used for dance the night before.  Why had she bothered with trying to look cute that morning if she was just going to sweat all her make-up away?  She cursed at herself.

    “Me too,” she whispered, standing with her books against her chest.  Heidi stopped at her locker while Kenny made his way to the boy’s locker-room.  Taking out the bag that held her change of clothes, she was shortly joined by Wendy.  She was happy that she would not feel so alone in class.  It was nice to know that one of her girlfriends would be in her company.  Walking towards the school gym, the two of them spoke softly together.

    “Sorry about this morning,” Wendy started, “Bebe and I assumed that the two of you were a thing.”

    “It’s okay,” Heidi reassured.  “Honestly, my mom has been the same way.  But, we’re just really good friends.”

    “I’m glad.  Kenny may seem a bit rough around the edges, but he’s a really good guy.”  Heidi ducked down her head as she thought about every moment he had been there for her the past year—good or bad.  When she had expected him to leave, just like she had done with everyone else, he stayed even if she would put up a fight.

    “Yeah, I know.”

    “Are you going to try out for volleyball this year?  We could use you on the team,” Wendy said as she pushed through the swinging door of the girl’s locker-room.

    “I would like to, but I started taking this dance workout class thing, and it’s taking up a lot of my time during after school hours.”

    “Oh really?”  The two of them started changing quickly. 

    “Yeah.  I bring my own music, and the teacher gives me a routine to work on.”  Together, they walked out into the large gym to join the rest of their classmates as Heidi started to braid her hair into two low pigtails.  Most of the boys in their class had already changed—if they needed to—and had found their seats on the hard rubber flooring.  Just as her morning at the bus stop, there were a few people that looked at her under hushed breaths.  But, just as before, Heidi paid them no mind.  The voice in her head had finally left her alone.  There were no longer any harmful words, questioning any of her motives, her looks, how other people talked about her.  With a loud throat clearing, their P.E. teacher spoke.

    “Today, and for the next few weeks, we’re going to be doing track.  Have a problem, take it up with the school.  I genuinely don’t care.  Go outside do laps around the stadium.  There are hurdles out there too.  Extra credit will be awarded to students who are able to jump them consecutively.  Think of this as an unofficial tryout—for those interested in joining the track team in the spring.  We could still use a few students for cross country.  Make sure to stretch.  If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my office.”  There was a collective groan from the students as they all eventually made their way towards the track that ran around the football stadium.

    No one wanted to exert any extra effort unless it was absolutely necessary.  Especially on the first day of school.  However, Heidi was happy.  Inside of her, she felt a surge of energy.  She and Wendy made their way onto the football field, stretching together as dew collected on their sneakers.

    “Care to have a friendly wager?”  She asked the dark headed girl as she finished loosening her tired muscles.

    “Sounds interesting.  What did you have in mind?”

    “If I can do more laps than you, then you have to tell me about the plans for homecoming when they happen.”

    “Alright,” Wendy agreed as they took their starting positions in their own lanes.  “And, if I do more laps, you have to admit you have something for Kenny.”

    “I don’t!”  Heidi protested as the tips of her fingers rested on the dusty track.

    “Okay, fine.  Just, don’t blush so hard whenever I bring it up.  Is that a better deal?”  She wanted to argue.  But, Wendy had a point.  At the very mention of his name in other company, Heidi never failed to feel the prickling of her cheeks.  “Stan, can you tell us when to start?  We’re having a race,” Wendy called out to her boyfriend who was lazily walking towards them.

    “What kind of race?”  He asked, letting out a deep yawn.

    “Just a matter of opinions,” Wendy answered, giving Heidi a sly smile.

    “Alright.  Is this timed or what?”

    “We’re trying to see who can do the most laps,” Heidi answered as she tried to fix her attention on the path in front of her.  She had to win.  Otherwise, she would have to acknowledge any inkling of feelings she had towards the blonde that had been in her virtually constant company.  And, she could not afford that.

    “Is there money involved?”  Kenny spoke up, joining the three of them.

    “Not really, unless that’s what Heidi decides on.  If I beat her, she has to come clean.”

    “Is that so?”  Kenny asked, sounding curious.  “About what?”

    “Nothing,” Heidi demanded.  A crowd slowly started to form around them.

    “Interesting,” he said, noting the other students.  There was a glimmer in his eyes as he started to cup his mouth  “Testaburger vs. Turner.  Who will win?  Taking all bets.”  Quickly, their classmates put in their gambles.

    “Heidi, why don’t we change the race?”  Wendy asked, feeling the competitive spirit.

    “Think I’ll win?”

    “Absolutely not.  But, just running around seems kind of boring, don’t you think?”  She said playfully.

    “I guess.  What did you have in mind?”

    “First one to run the entire track once and then again over at least two hurdles wins.  Both the winnings from the other students and our own wagers.”

    “Deal.”

    “Ready?”  Stan asked as raised his hand above his head.  They nodded in agreement.  “Go!”  In a flash of light, they took off.  His voice fading with the distance, Heidi heard Stan explain the changes that had been recently made.  In a hurry, a few of the students changed their bets.  The first lap was over and done easily enough.  With the start of their final lap, Heidi heard cheers for her name as she passed by her fellow classmates.  She could do this.  She had to do it.

    The both of them were starting to lose momentum as the jumps came around again.  She was unsure of how to actually jump over the plastic bars—she had seen it done many times during Olympic sports, but Heidi had also seen other kids her age try, failing miserably.  Her breathing was erratic as panic was starting to settle.  She could have looked over to Wendy, the both of them keeping the same pacing the entire race, but that would have only rattled her.  Her friend was often too competitive for her own good.  _It’s okay.  You can do this.  We believe in you._   For a second, Heidi looked back over to the crowd of students, searching for the one patch of blonde hair she had come to depend on. 

    He cheered, just as the others were.  But, Heidi could only hear his voice.  With new vigor, she felt her step quicken.  The first jump was just around the ever approaching turn.  Preparing herself, Heidi replayed the images of professional athletes as they swung their legs over countless hurdles.  She felt herself bend over as her dominate leg spread out before her, her hips twisting awkwardly as she cleared the jump.  There was a slight give of her knees as she landed back onto the dirt track.  One down, one more to go, she pushed herself.  As before, Heidi was able to jump the second hurdle with ease.  Coming around to the end, Kenny met Heidi with a supportive embrace, lifting her into the air as her body swung around him.

    “I knew you could do it,” he mumbled into her ear.  “And, here’s your reward.”  Easily, Kenny handed her bunched up bills from other students.

    “Not taking a cut?”  She asked, evening out the money she had won.

    “Are you offering?”

    “Perhaps.”  Heidi glanced up at him slyly, a smile playing at the corners of her lips as her breathing slowed.

    “That’s alright,” he muttered as he tucked his hands behind his head, walking towards the sets of bleachers.  “Just cover for me, if the coach asks if I did anything.”

    “Deal.”

* * *

    It never failed.  Every time students came to school after some kind of break, there was an uptick in absences due to sicknesses.  Day four of the first fall epidemic, and it seemed to Heidi that at least half the school were no-shows; Kenny included.  As the school day came to an end, and the weekend just starting, Heidi went around to classes she knew he had, picking up work that he had missed.  He was only gone for two days, but she felt like she needed an excuse to visit his house.  The day before, Kenny had texted her, saying that he would be out—he and his whole family were stuck in bed with the bug.

    As she rode the bus home, getting off at the stop Kenny would, she started walking towards his house.  During the day, she had been texting him every so often to check up on him.  Though it might have been too much, she was concerned that he was not taking care of himself.  Stopping at the gas station they would visit frequently during their study sessions, Heidi bought a few sports drinks in a variety of flavors and some generic medicine they carried.  It was the least she could do, she thought since the McCormick household would probably just let their aliments run their course.

    Making her way up the familiar walkway to his front door, Heidi knocked softly.  She had a hunch that no one would answer.  Still, she felt the need to make her presence known.  As she touched the rough doorknob, there was a sliding sound of Kenny’s window as he peeked outside.

    “I really hope you’re not breaking in.  We don’t have anything that’s worth stealing.”  His voice was nasally.  Looking over towards him hanging desperately out the window, Heidi felt a pang of worry in her heart.  His eyes were more tired looking than they normally were, his face unnaturally pale.  On his forehead, she could see the start of a cold sweat.

    “Why aren’t you in bed?”  She chastised.

    “I was, but then there was this knocking at the door.  I got curious.”

    “Lay down.”

    “Not until you tell me why you’re here,” he said weakly, coughing into his hand.

    “I bought some stuff that should help you feel better.  Plus, I brought over the class work you missed.”  Kenny groaned audibly as he slunk back into the safety of his room.  Taking that as an invitation, Heidi quickly climbed through the opening of his window. 

    “That’s a really bad habit,” he said, crawling back into his bed. 

    “Who was the one who told me to do it in the first place?”  She asked as she gingerly stood steadily on his floor.  Pulling the covers over his head, Heidi gently placed her things on the ground in front of his bed.  She listened out into the hallway, hearing a collection of heavy snores from the rest of his family.  Behind her, Kenny had fallen back to sleep.

    “Kenny,” Heidi whispered.  “Kenny.”

    “What?”  He mumbled in agitation as he sat back up in his bed.

    “Take some of the medicine in the bag.  I’m gonna make some soup.”

    “I don’t think we have any.”

    “McCormick,” she started, putting her hands on her hips sarcastically, “Have you not learned; I always come prepared.  Honestly, who do you think I am?”  Heidi saw him smirking to himself as he took two pills for his cold.  In a hurry, he guzzled down half of the bottle of one of the sports drinks.

    “This is amazing,” he said, gasping for air.  “Why is this so good?”  Kenny questioned as he held the bottle to his face.  Heidi watched as he pulled his covers around his body, a slight shiver rolling up his back.

    “Probably because you’re dehydrated.  Have you been drinking anything?”  He rolled his eyes towards her.  Of course, he was not.  Stepping closer, she held her hand against his forehead.  He felt warmer than normal.  To be sure, Heidi held the back of his neck as she pressed her cheek against his brow.  He did have a slight fever.  “Lay down, I’ll be right back.”

    “I was before you came over,” he whined as Heidi stepped out of his room.  Walking across the hallway into his bathroom, she looked around for a washcloth.  When she did not find one, she moved quietly back into Kenny’s room towards her backpack.  Carefully, Heidi took out the few she had brought with her; if she had not been used to what he and his family did not have, she would have been surprised with the amount of effort she put forth in making sure that everyone would eventually be comfortable.  But, even so, it was just the type of person Heidi was.  She shrugged to herself as she made her way back to the bathroom.

    With her handful of small towels sufficiently moist, Heidi folded them neatly to be placed on the foreheads of all her patients.  Though there was slight animosity between the McCormick’s, Heidi could not bring herself to take care of Kenny alone.  They were loud and fought with each other often.  Still, she had come to see them as a second family.  As such, she was going to make sure that they were properly sought after.  Smiling to herself, she made her way back into Kenny’s room for a second time.  In the brief time she had ventured in and out of his room, he had fallen back to sleep once more.  Kenny tried to act tough while in school and in public.  But, Heidi picked up a while ago, even the mighty fall every so often.  Hesitantly, she stood over his body, watching as he breathed evenly.

    “Don’t be a creeper, Heidi.  What would people think?”  He spoke up, his eyes still closed.

    “One; I wasn’t being a creeper.  I was making sure that you were okay.  Two; how did you know I was just standing here?”

    “You’re weird like that.”

    “Bullshit,” she joked, sitting on the edge of his bed.  Carefully, she placed one of the washcloths on his head.

    “Okay, fine.  You caught me.  You have this way about you… It’s really positive, and hard to ignore… I dunno,” he mumbled as he rolled over to his wall away from her.  Doing so, caused the wet cloth to fall onto his pillow.  Without a second thought, Heidi reached to readjust it.  Once she was sure it was in place securely, she turned to stand.  However, there was a pull on her hand as Kenny’s grabbed her to stay.  “It feels good… Where your hand is.”

    “I know, but I’ll be back.  I promise.”  Begrudgingly, she felt Kenny’s clammy hand fold underneath his head.  Free from his grasp, she once again stood to head over to his sibling’s room.  Just as he was before she had woken him, Kevin and Karen were sound asleep.  Kevin whimpered in his sleep in protest to the unfamiliarity of the fabric against his face but quickly calmed down.  Stepping over to Karen, she did the same.  Unlike her brothers, Karen woke up seemingly in better shape.  With a smile, she greeted Heidi.

    “Hey,” she said softly.  “What are you doing here?”

    “I came to make sure everyone was doing alright,” Heidi explained, returning a soft grin.

    “Yeah.  I think so.”

    “That’s good.  Are you hungry?  I was about to make some soup.”

    “What kind of soup?”  Karen asked quizzically as she pulled her covers away from her body.

    “Chicken Noodle.”

    “With—”

    “With stars, yes,” Heidi interrupted.  With more energy than she had shown in the past few days, Heidi was sure, Karen leaped out of her bed as she stammered towards the kitchen.  “I’ll be there in a minute,” she called as loudly as she could without waking anyone else.  Heidi hated that she had to keep sneaking into Kenny’s room as he tried to sleep.  But, even feeling slightly a part of his family, she could not bring herself to have her belongings scattered about their house.  Silently, she pulled a small bag full of various cans of broth-y cure all’s, from her bookbag, along with a purple drink—the little girl’s favorite.  Making her way towards the small kitchen, Heidi saw Karen dancing in a seat.

    “You seem to be doing well.  How long have you been sick?”  Heidi asked as she grabbed a small pot to put on the stove.  Carefully, she poured the soup she had bought specifically for Karen into the pan.  While it warmed, she grabbed a cup from the cupboard, pouring a drink for her.

    “Since Tuesday?  Kenny and Kevin have been sick since Thursday.  Momma’s been in bed for as long as I have.”

    “What about your dad?”  Heidi asked as she put the cup before Karen.

    “He hasn’t gotten sick yet.”

    “So, is he at work?”

    “I think so… But, Momma and Daddy were fighting the other day about him being out of work.  So, I’m not sure.” Karen added as she drank.  Heidi felt her face fall as she walked back over to the stove, stirring its contents.  It seemed that though they meant well, their parents were arguing about one thing or another—almost always about the money they did not have.  Even with government assistance, and Kenny’s slight paycheck, it was never enough.  She wanted to do more for them—if anything to repay Kenny for all he had done for her.  But, in doing so, and knowing that Stuart was incredibly proud, Heidi would surely step on unwanted toes.  Even helping everyone overcome their illnesses, she was taking a risk.

    Once the soup she had been so tentatively stirring was finally warm all the way through, Heidi dished a small amount into a bowl.  Even if Karen seemed to be better, she did not want to take the chance of the little girl running to the bathroom because of an upset stomach.  As the youngest McCormick finished her bowl of star noodle chicken noodle soup, there came a slow uproar of annoyance from her bedroom.  Kevin had woken up—from the smell of something edible, Heidi thought—to find himself blanketed in moisture.  Walking out of his room in a haze, Heidi and Karen tried to greet him, only to hear grumbles and mentions of waffles in response.

    “Kevin, I swear to God, you are the most inconsiderate piece of shit,” Kenny called as he leaned against his door frame.

    “It was probably my fault,” Heidi admitted as she cleared the table after Karen had finished her bowl.

    “No, it’s not, Heidi,” Kenny argued, holding his head, feeling dizzy.  “He’s always like that.  Stumbling around and shit like no one else lives here.”

    “Shut up,” Kevin yelled back as he stood over the toaster, waiting eagerly for his meal.  Though it was probably not the best choice, Heidi was not one to come between him and his obsession with the frozen breakfast food. 

    “Did you want any more?”  She asked Karen, making sure that she had her fill.  With a shake of her head, Karen went back to her room.  Shortly after, Kenny did the same.  Still using the same container that Karen had moments before, she served the remaining contents of the pot before venturing back into Kenny’s room.  Upon entering, she saw him sitting by his bedroom window with it cracked.  He was smoking a cigarette, coughing with every inhale.

    “You know, now might not be the best time for that,” she said as she placed the small bowl on his nightstand.

    “Yeah?”  The blonde said, taking one more hit in defiance.  As he did so, there was another fit of coughing and choking.  “Fucking shit…”

    “See?”

    “See what, Heidi?”  Kenny spat.  He was on edge, for some reason.  She could have responded, but that would have just started an unnecessary argument.  And, that would have led to Kenny to feel like an asshole for getting upset in the first place.  Instead, Heidi found herself carefully sitting on his floor in front of his bed—a spot she had claimed after her first few visits if his bed was unoccupied.  She wanted to leave, and let him fester in his own world.  After all, she herself had done that before.  But, no.  She was determined to wait him out.  Eventually, he would apologize, they would talk, and what could have been a hellscape of misunderstandings, would be resolved without much deliberation.  From the confines of her bag, she continued to do as she pleased, pulling out her phone and worn headphones.

    “So, you’re just going to ignore me?”  Kenny said as he watched her place each bud in her ears.

    “No.  I’m giving you the chance to cool down.  You’re obviously upset about something, and snapping at me.  And, it’s really mean.  But, I know you don’t mean it.  So I’m going to work on my school work.  When you want to talk to me about it, I’ll be here.”

    “I think it’s pretty fucking obvious what’s bothering me.”

    “No?”  She questioned, not entirely sure by what he meant.  Slowly, she retrieved her anatomy textbook.

    “First of all, we were fine.  Just a few days sleeping and we all would have been better.  But, you took it upon yourself to come over and play nurse.  No one asked you to do that.”

    “Isn’t that what friends do?”

    “Not really,” Kenny replied as he climbed over her back into his bed.  “Secondly, I’m fucking exhausted.  I’ve been trying to catch up on sleep the past few days.  But, since you came over, it’s been one thing after the next keeping me up.”

    “You’re always tired,” she admitted sadly.  Their teenage years were supposed to be carefree and full of finding themselves.  However, Kenny had been thrust into playing support while he tried to keep Karen happy.  But, he always failed to do so for himself.  Sure, there were times, when he was content.  And, others when all the stress that he carried on a day to day basis vanished.  Unfortunately, no matter how hard she tried, Heidi could only provide momentary relief before his world would come crashing down again.

    “Exactly.”  Without another word to each other, Heidi continued doing her own things in silence.  It was not long after his outburst that Kenny went back to sleep.  When she would reach a stopping point, she looked up behind her, making sure that he was still in a deep slumber.  After a few hours, she stood as pins and needles stabbed underneath her skin.  Taking a break, Heidi went to go check up on Karen.  Since she had gone back to her room, she had been quiet.  Knocking gently on her door, Heidi waited for a reply. 

    “Karen?”

    “Y-yeah?”  There was a light sniffling from the other side.

    “Everything okay?”  Heidi asked as she pushed open the door slowly.  On her bed, she saw Karen sitting curled up in a heap of blankets.  Her face was red and wet as if she had been crying for a while.  “Oh, honey,” she whispered lovingly, taking the little girl into her lap.  Though only four years apart, Heidi always saw Karen as much younger.  It might have been her small frame or the fact that she was friends with Ike.  Whatever the reason, there was no helping the warm embrace she wished to provide.  “What’s wrong?”

    “Garland r-ran away a week ago…  And, Daddy f-found him yesterday.  I never got to say goodbye.”

    “Sweetheart,” Heidi hushed, slowly rocking on the small bed, Karen’s head held against her chest. 

    “He probably thinks that I didn’t love him… That no one did.  We had no idea he was hurting so much.  And, he was all alone.  Why did he have to run away?”

    “Baby,” she continued to coo, trying her best to hold back her own tears.  It was years ago, but she remembered the pain of losing a close family pet.  “I’m sure that he loved all of you, and knew how much you all cared.  That’s why, when he knew his time was close, he couldn’t bear to have you so sad.”

    “But, we could have made him comfortable.  And, given him pets.  And, all the hugs and treats he could have ever wanted.  I just wanted to say how much I loved him…  I never got the chance to…  Now, it’s too late.  He won’t forgive me.”

    “Yes he will,” Heidi said, her own voice cracking.  “Even if you never said anything to him, he knows.  They always do.”

    “Promise?”

    “Swear on my life.”  She pulled away from Heidi’s hold, sadly smiling up at her.

    “That’s probably why Kenny’s so angry.  Don’t be mad at him.  He’s just upset.  I know it might not seem like it,” Karen said, wiping her nose, “But, you really do help him a lot.  Before you started hanging out with him all the time, he was sad.  He tried to hide it, but I knew.  And, it’s not that I’m not thankful or anything, you coming in here.  But, he could use you a lot more than I could.”

    “Yeah.  I was going to go back.  I just wanted to see that you were okay.”

    “I’m good now,” she reassured, a wide smile spreading from ear to ear.  “Thanks, Heidi.”

    “Anytime, Kiddo.”  Scurrying towards the living room, Heidi heard their television turn on.  Dejectedly, Heidi walked back into Kenny’s room for the umpteenth time.  However, this time, she made sure to close his door.  He was still asleep in his bed, curled tighter under the covers.  He had been wearing his tough guy façade all day, under the guise of being sick.  And he was.  But, Heidi knew how he felt.  He was breaking, desperately trying to hold himself together for the sake of his family.  No one could see him weak; not even her.  Isolated from the rest of his home, she walked over to his bed, looming over him.  Sure enough, there were tears rolling down his face, much like his sister’s moments before. 

    She could have woken him up like she had done so many times before.  If she did, however, part of Heidi felt that he would only snap at her again.  From her bookbag, she began to hear her phone.  Quietly, she retrieved it hoping that the constant vibrations would not wake the sleeping blonde.  It was her father.  Though it was Friday, he had always been strict on her being home before it got dark.  Looking outside Kenny’s window as she stepped over to it, sure enough, the sun had started to set.  Heidi was conflicted.  She hated letting her father down or giving him a reason to get sore with her.  But, Kenny needed her.

    Hesitantly, she answered.  “Hello?”

    “Where are you?”  Her father questioned.

    “I’m at Kenny’s house.  He’s been sick and so I was bringing him homework.”  There was an anxiety rising in her voice as she whispered.  Peeking over her shoulder, Heidi watched as Kenny moved uncomfortably in his bed.  “I was going to be leaving soon… I wanted to make sure that he was okay.”  She heard her father sigh heavily.  He had always been a stern man, putting rules in place that he expected her to follow without fail.  But, there was no denying that she was older, that she was no longer his little girl who needed protecting.

    “No, that’s alright.  Be careful whenever you come home.  And, tell him that your mother and I hope he feels better soon.”

    “I will.”  As she hung up, Kenny spoke low towards his wall.

    “You don’t have to stay.  I can take care of myself.”

    “Yeah…”  Her voice trailed off in thought.  “But, you don’t have to, you know?  I have no problem making sure that you’re okay.”

    “I’m fine, Heidi.”

    “No you’re not,” she acknowledged for him.  She had used that same line too many times for her to count.  She was never just fine when she had tried to persuade others that she was.  If anything, she had always said it unintentionally when she was desperate for someone to help her.

    “So you’re telling me what I feel now?”

    “Not at all,” she said softly, making her way back over to his bed.  Barely touching his covers, she saw him back away.  Sitting on the edge, she sat in silence.  Stuart opened the front door loudly, letting out a loud cough full of mucus spew through the living room.  Now, he was getting sick.  Every moment she stayed within the thin walls of the McCormick home, Heidi could feel herself itching with illness.  She should have left hours ago.  She should have ignored everyone that needed her help.  It was just a stomach bug, or a cold, or something.  They would have all been better with rest.  As she looked down at Kenny, Heidi knew that there was no way that she would have left.  Without realizing it, she felt herself lay curled up against his back.  There was only so much he could move away from her before he could not anymore.

    “You just going to stay there?”

    “Probably.”  Kenny sighed as he struggled to roll over. 

    “Then scoot back.  You’ll fall off.”  Heidi did as she was told.  A supportive arm crossed over her hips, cradling up around her body in a protective embrace.  They stayed like that for a few minutes until she could not stand the silence.

    “You don’t have to be strong all the time, you know.  You can break down every now and then.  And… It’s okay.”

    “Uh-huh.”

    “I used to wake up every day, filled with so much discontent with myself.  I tried to pretend that everything was fine, that everything would get better if I just tried to hold onto some kind of hope that it would. But, it never did.  Then the unhappiness turned into self-hate.  I hated myself.  I mean, how is that even possible?  I had friends, I had parents that wanted the best.  Still, everyone walked around me like I was glass.  Like, they could see the cracks, the band-aids I put on every morning to hide the fact that I was broken.  I was such a failure to everyone.

    “And, I felt so guilty.  Because, they were trying their best to make me feel better, but none of it worked.  I started waking up every day wanting to die.  There was no hope for me anymore; I was just taking my time until I finally had enough courage to do it.  I promised myself last year, that I was going to stop letting everyone down and just not wake up anymore.  Until, one day, there was this tiniest speck of light shining for the first time in forever—I had almost forgotten what it looked like.  It didn’t try to make me do anything, tell me how much I deserved everything I felt I didn’t.

    “It was just there.  I cried.  I yelled.  I ignored it.  I wanted it to leave me alone.  But, it never did.  Then, I thought, if I showed it how ugly I was, that maybe it would see that I was too far gone for any help.  That I could convince it with the same judgment that I felt from everyone else, it would eventually take the hint.  There was never any feeling of prejudice.   No feeling like I didn’t belong.  It just accepted everything I threw at it with open arms.  It saw how much I was hurting, how much I needed someone to just sit next to me and let me, be me.

    “Now, I don’t wake up wanting to die anymore.  I wake up happy and I love myself.  I see all of my faults, all of my scars that cover my body with all the hate I used to carry.  And, I still love myself.  I see myself smiling, laughing.  All, because that light just stayed by my side.  I’m so thankful for it.  But, every so often, I see my old self in that light.  It’s tired.  It hurts.  It’s crying out in pain, desperate for anyone to notice.  If I could talk to it, I would want it to know, that I understand.  It might be the same circumstances, but I can see the similarities.  That, I can return the countless shoulders for it to cry on.  That, there’s nothing it could say or do, that would make me leave.”

    “You’re so full of shit,” Kenny said, his voice wanting to sound like it was joking.  But, as his elbow sat in between her shoulder blades, Heidi could hear the cracking in his words.  His grip around her midsection loosened.  Anxiously, waiting for the instant he would keep her in place, she rolled over to see his face.  His arm covered his eyes, not wanting her to see him so utterly vulnerable.  He sniffled as she reached towards his cheeks.  Delicately, her hand cupped the underside of his jaw as she wiped away his tears.

    “It’s okay, Kenny.  I’m here.  I have you.”


	7. Sophomore Year Part Two: Rejection

    Kenny sat on his bed alone in his room.  He had been thinking a lot the past few weeks.  Heidi was off dancing most days after school.  Which was fine; he was happy that she was able to find a positive outlet besides himself.  But, while she was gone, he felt lonely.  More lonely than he thought he would.  Sure, he could hang out with his friends—which she encouraged.  However, in their company, there was a slow anger that would build in his chest.  Perhaps it was that he had somehow outgrown their childish games.  Or, it could have just been Cartman.  The heavy-set boy had been growing on his nerves as of late.  Maybe, it was the fact they seemed to be more focused on their futures. 

    There it was—the fire that too often filled him with so much irritation.  Throwing himself off his bed, Kenny walked over to his closet.  His pants hung loosely around his hips, probably too low to be comfortable.  But, they would have to do for now; he would not be able to buy any new clothes for a while.  _Shit_.  Finding a thin long sleeve shirt—the sleeves not long enough anymore to come to his wrists—he slipped it easily over his head.  Pulling the ends of the fabric down his stomach, he looked out his window.  Snow had fallen for the past three days in a row.  Everything seemed bleak.  Yet, there was light around all that he saw.  Maybe, it was the same thing that Heidi had mentioned in her personal monologue.  Since he had gotten sick at the start of the school year, and Heidi taking it upon herself to take care of him, something felt different within him.

    No one had seen him cry.  No one had been there when he felt safe.  No one had stayed when he was completely alone.  It was strange.  He had initially wanted to be with Heidi to make her better.  But, now the roles had reversed.  There was just something about being in her company that made Kenny want to share his secrets, his wants, and desires.  His dreams.  He smiled to himself as he picked up his orange coat.  Who was he to believe that he could have anything, be anyone other than a repeat of his parents?  He was not allowed to have dreams.  And yet, his nights were filled with the same fantastical futures, where he was who he wanted to be.

    His future-self had no worries, no cares.  All that he had been working towards so desperately for years, was finally his.  He would come home from work, heading into a kitchen that was unfamiliar.  On the table would be a dinner, still hot, just for him.  Sitting down in a place that felt more like home than his current one, Kenny would always pick up a fork so attentively set before him.  The smells in his dream were real.  What he saw, was real.  What he tasted, was real.  Everything was real.  Even the slightest peck on his cheek from a woman who would rest her hands on his large shoulders so tender it hurt.  Her whispers were sweet as she spoke into his ears, saying I love you and welcome home.  Just as he would turn his head to look at his possible bride, Kenny would wake.

    He felt his cheeks burn as he pulled his hood over his head.  The more Kenny thought about it, the more he wanted it to be true.  His mystery wife not so much a mystery.  She was someone he knew.  The only girl who had been so open to wanting to know him entirely; the good, the bad, and the so very ugly.  The girl that he could argue with, say what he needed to say, and still, she would always return.  The girl that, long ago if he was honest with himself, had captured his heart.  But, it was just a dream.  There was no way that she could ever feel the same for him.  She deserved better.

    “Going out?”  Karen asked as she peeked into his room.  Without facing her—sure that she would notice his blush and sad eyes—Kenny zipped up his coat snuggly.

    “Yeah.  I have something to take care of before work.”  As was routine, he grabbed his duffle bag packed with extra shirts for work and the cold.

    “Okay.  Have a good day, Kenny,” she said sweetly, walking over to him with her arms stretched out.  Before he was able to hold her back, Karen gave him a tight hug.  She had been rather affectionate lately.  Perhaps she had noticed the change within him that he had wanted to ignore; a softer, more content version of himself that he was still trying to figure out.  “Be safe out there,” she mumbled into his coat.  Carefully patting the top of her head, Kenny pulled himself away from his sister.

    “I will,” he replied, stepping around her to leave.  Walking into his living room, he saw his mother laying on the couch.  Her eyes were glossed over, not paying attention to what was on the T.V.  Kevin sat next to her just as gone.  Seeing the two of them waste away, Kenny was filled with a desire to not be like them.  He had worked too hard just to give up now.  Things were finally going his way; the only place he could go now, was up.  And, Kenny wanted it more than ever before.  He needed it.  His future-self needed it.  On his shoulder, he felt the phantom touch of his bride.  Her whispers telling him to have a good day, just as Karen had done.  He could do this, had to do this.  Without a second thought to his family sitting on the worn sofa, Kenny left his home.

    His hard boots crunched under the freshly fallen snow as he walked towards a house much similar to his.  The world was quiet around him with nothing to distract from the task at hand.  He should have broken things off with Tammy a while ago.  But, for whatever reason, the blonde had always hesitated.  Perhaps it was because she stayed around after they had broken up, always at his beck and call.  Perhaps it was the familiarity of being with someone who knew him in ways no one else did.  Perhaps Kenny continued to see her as he pleased because, before Heidi, Tammy had helped him forget who he was when he was abandoned.

    Now, he did not need to be in her company when he felt lonely.  Sure, he would miss fulfilling his urges.  But, he would do so without guilt, without feeling like he was betraying Heidi.  In mid-step, Kenny stopped.  His breath caught in his throat as his mind swirled with thoughts he had been so adamant about ignoring.  They were just friends, both of them had said that multiple times throughout the past months whenever they were questioned.  They helped each other, laughed with each other.  Spent most of their free time with each other.  Shared secrets with each other.  That was just what friends did, right?  If that was true, then why did he feel at fault about keeping Tammy around?

    Tammy had been his actual girlfriend.  They had a bond with each other.  That had no substance, Kenny thought sadly.  His relationship with the only person who was just as poor as he was, was nothing more than physical.  Sometimes they chatted about this and that.  But, again, it was just the surface.  If they dared to venture any further, the illusion that they had built together would be shattered.  Yet, everything with Heidi was completely different.  It felt warm.  It felt alive.  It felt honest.  Kenny felt his cheeks burn as snowflakes fell onto his face.

    What was he doing with Heidi anymore?  Countless nights he had spent thinking about what if’s and every morning, they would disappear in the company of his friends.  As much as he hated to admit it, Kenny could not help but feel like he was stuck in the same old routine he had been his whole life while around his comrades.  But, with Heidi, he could see himself as he wanted him to be.  Actually having a future that mattered.  Having a future that he could be proud of.  And, maybe, one that she could be proud of.  Still standing in the same place he had stopped moments before, Kenny heard the sound of a car coming up behind him, the tires sloshing in the slush.

    His head turned lazily to see the driver, carefully paying attention to the slick roads.  They sat inside the vehicle, smiling and talking to the person next to them.  The two passengers looked to be in their mid-twenties, and entirely happy.  The way they looked at each other, the way they held hands that could only be seen when they passed others outside, made Kenny feel jealous.  Why was it so easy for others?  Why were they allowed to be so happy and content with someone they cared about?  Why was he even bothered by it in the first place?  As they drove by him, leaving him in the same sad place on the sidewalk, Kenny was caught up in his thoughts once more; consumed with everything about Heidi and everything he felt in her presence.  Absently, he grabbed his phone from his pocket.

** KennyM: **

So, I was thinking… Are we just friends? 

Or, would it be too much for me to

assume something else?

    No, that was too obvious.  Even if the walls they had both built up came down with each passing day, Heidi and Kenny never touched on the subject of dating or seeing other people.  Initially, it was more of them protecting each other.  Now, it seemed that they might have missed their chance; bringing up relationships would be admitting that they had feelings for each other.  Feelings neither of them seemed to want to acknowledge.  Biting at his cheek, Kenny deleted his message.

** KennyM: **

Hey.  Hope you’re having fun.  I’m about

to head to work in a few.  Did you want

to meet at the Village Inn after?

    For a moment, he stood where he was.  It was five in the evening and he only had an hour before his shift would start.  During the summer, Kenny had talked with his manager about a change in his hours to something that would be more doable.  Reluctantly, his boss agreed—staying until one in the morning had been a tad bit unfair.  And, with two new hires, it seemed that working more reasonable hours was a win for everyone.  Now, he would get off work around ten in the evening.  Which meant he actually had time to focus on his school work.  But that also meant, that staying out until almost three every morning would have been a bit more difficult.

    It was funny, Kenny thought.  They could have spent the hour or two that they used to at the Village Inn as usual, and then be on their way back home.  However, Heidi would bring up questions she had in some class that he would be more than happy to help with; even if he did not completely understand the subject himself.  Or Kenny would simply refuse to go home.  Either way, two o’clock came quicker than they wished.  It took some adjustment on both of their parts, but the two of them still were able to find time to spend with each other, however brief. 

    Not waiting for a reply from Heidi, Kenny continued on his way towards Tammy Warner’s house.  Their rendezvous’ had started to happen far and few between since he had been trying to keep his complete attention on Heidi, but he still felt the need to break off their agreement permanently.  It did not seem fair to him, to keep the both of them in some sort of contract, when one or the other could potentially want to see other people exclusively.  Kenny felt his cheeks warm.  Or, it could have just been him wanting to explore any opportunity he could with Heidi, without the fear of causing some kind of drama.  Either way, the blonde continued steadfast towards his ex-girlfriend’s home.

    Turning on a corner he used to venture towards almost religiously, Kenny found himself on the edge of Tammy’s yard.  Walking up a sidewalk much similar to his, he felt his hand hover just above the wooden front door.  There it was again; the hesitation of ending their partnership.  It was so easy when he thought about it.  It’s over, he had repeated over and over in his head.  No hard feelings, right?  His prepared follow-up question when he had readied himself, looking at the girl with cheap highlights, her eyes hurt and confused.  Taking a deep breath, much like ripping off a band-aid, Kenny closed his eyes, waiting for his knuckles to tap against the front door.  Before he was able, however, it opened before him.

    “What’s up Ken?”  Tammy asked, her voice elated and raspy as it always was.  Behind her, Kenny could hear the low murmur of the television playing some show he failed to recognize.

    “Hey, Tammy.  I wanted to come and talk to you for a minute if that was alright.”

    “Yeah, of course.”  Slowly, the front door opened wider as she invited him inside.

    “No, that’s okay,” he said, forcing his hands into his coat pockets, “I’ll make this quick.  I… I think we should stop meeting with each other.”  Kenny ducked his head down low.  If he willed himself to look directly at the girl he used to be with, he was sure he be overwhelmed with guilt.  Suddenly, there was a low chuckle from Tammy as she readjusted herself against the door.

    “About time.”  He felt his eyes widen in confusion.  Had he heard her correctly?

    “What?”  Kenny asked, his gaze slowly lifting.

    “Do you have a smoke I could bum?”  She asked, stepping through the doorway.  Behind her sounded the lock of the door closing.

    “Uh… Y-yeah,” he answered, digging in his pockets.  With expert care, he lit two cigarettes, handing one to Tammy as she held it loosely in her hands.

    “Honestly, Ken, this is long overdue,” Tammy began as she took a drag.  “Not that I haven’t enjoyed our time together, but it’s kind of run its course, you know?  Besides, there’s this guy that I’ve been seeing lately.  And, if you weren’t going to come around and say something I would have.”  Kenny nodded.  Part of his heart sank with rejection.  He had thought that what they had was exclusive, to an extent.  But, that was a fabrication.  A pipe dream.  Neither of them belonged to each other.  And, now, Tammy wanted to be with someone else.  This was what he wanted, what he had hoped would happen.  She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.  “I’ve also seen you with a girl from school.  I just can’t believe that you waited this long, honestly.”

    “We’re just friends…”  Kenny muttered reflexively. 

    “Uh-huh.  Keep telling yourself that,” Tammy chuckled again.  “You’re only lying to yourself.  And her.  Are you going to wait for the perfect timing to ask her out?”  He felt his head lower, his cheeks blushing hard.  The dark-headed girl broke out into a fit of laughter.  “That doesn’t exist, Ken.  There’s no such thing as perfect timing.  It only happens in the movies.  If you want her, go after her.  Before it’s too late.”

    “Y-yeah.”  Taking a drag off of his cigarette, Kenny felt a peck against his forehead.

    “See?  Nothing,” Tammy said perceptively.  “I know what we were doing was just a comfort thing, but Ken, there’s no feeling between us.  I mean, we’re friends.  But, nothing more.  Bet if she kissed you, you would light up like the night sky.  It’s not fair to either of you if you just hang around each other and shit.”  Kenny nodded once more in understanding.  “Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?”

    “Not really.  I was actually on my way to work.”

    “Alright,” she said, turning back towards her closed front door.  “Have a good day at work Ken.  Think about what I said.  Okay?”

    “Yeah… I will.”  He felt his feet twist on the cold ground as snow crunched.  “Later.”

    “Bye, Ken.”

    Walking down her front walkway, Kenny wanted to feel a weight lifted off of his shoulders.  He had done what he had been planning for months.  But, with each step, he could not help but feel himself falling.  Adjusting the strap of his duffle bag on his shoulder, Kenny tried to hold his head up.  In his hands, he felt his phone vibrate.

** Heidi<3: **

Hey Kenny <3  I hope that you have a good

day at work (:  Did you want to meet at the

Village Inn?  We could just hang out at your

place, if you wanted to.

** KennyM: **

That’s up to you.  I’m easy.

** Heidi<3: **

Then, I’ll meet you at your house (:

    Kenny felt a pull at the corner of his lips.  Their meeting place at the restaurant was fun, but it always felt too serious.  In the beginning, it was just a neutral place for the two of them to do school work when everywhere else was closed.  Now, it seemed like a second job.

** KennyM: **

I could walk to your house after, and then

we could come home together.

** Heidi<3: **

No, that’s okay (:  I wouldn’t want you to

have to backtrack just for me.

** KennyM: **

I don’t mind…  I’d like to.

** Heidi<3: **

Are you sure?  I was planning on taking a

nap when I got home. 

** KennyM: **

Yeah.  Sleep well.

** Heidi<3: **

Yes sir (:  Why don’t you give me a call when

you get off and we can meet half way

between the gas station and my house?

** KennyM: **

Sure.

    Stepping through the automatic sliding doors of the gas station, Kenny could still himself smiling hard.  Maybe Tammy had been right; he should have asked her out a while ago.  On an actual date.  Not just some afternoon or evening doing something that any other students would do together.  Not like the weekends when they would walk to the mall, heading to any store they wished, joking with each other about silly outfits or debating about pop culture.  Not like the days she would come to visit him at his home uninvited and they would just sit in silence in each other’s company.

    Kenny paused as he buttoned the few buttons on his shirt.  Each and everything they did together, was something that couples did.  They had been on dates.  Or, as close to dates without acknowledging they actually were dates.  He let out a loud sigh; it was so painfully obvious.  With the exception of any kind of PDA, for all intents and purposes, Kenny and Heidi were a couple.  A smile made its way back onto his face, pushing his bright red cheeks to his eyes.  She was his, and he was hers.  Basically.  As much as they could be, again, without putting a label on their relationship.  Tucking in his shirt into his pants that sat too low, Kenny walked out onto the work floor.  Only five hours to go before he would meet with her.

* * *

    Kenny wore a smile his entire shift.  On more than one occasion, his co-worker had asked if everything was alright; it was strange to see him in such good spirits, especially at work.  However, despite his cheery attitude, Kenny could not help but think—what was the real reason for the split between Kyle and Heidi?  Curiosity had gotten the better of him.  As he stood in the back room, changing out of his work shirt, Kenny had decided to have the question answered.  Quickly, Kyle had replied.

** Kyley-B: **

We had issues.  Well, I guess she did.  No

matter what I tried to do, Heidi refused

to talk about all her problems with Cartman. 

** Kyley-B: **

It got exhausting.  So, I broke up with her.

** KennyM: **

That was all?

** Kyley-B: **

That was just the surface.  With her not eating

or wanting to tell me anything, I guess I gave

up on her.  In hindsight, I think I should have

tried harder. 

** Kyley-B: **

But, that’s not here or there.  Why?

** KennyM: **

Just curious is all.

** Kyley-B: **

Seeing if she’s defective? Lol.

    Kenny knew that his friend was joking.  But, it was a rather dark thing to say about his ex-girlfriend.  No relationship was perfect, Kenny concluded.  Everyone had their faults and issues that took time to work through.  Still, that was no reason to speak of Heidi as if she was lower than what she was.

** KennyM: **

Just curious.  Like I said.

** Kyley-B: **

It was a joke, dude.  She’s a nice girl. 

Just not for me.

** KennyM: **

I figured.

    Kenny sighed heavily.  What was it about Heidi and her relationships with his friends that caused them to act in such a way?  Perhaps it was because they did not know her as he did.  Perhaps it was because he was emotionally invested, while they had not been.  Perhaps, in some twisted way, it was simply because he wanted her to hold his hand, to be close to him.  Whatever the reason, Kenny could not help but feel a slight void building in his heart.  Though his intentions had been pure in the beginning, it was seeming now that he was being selfish.  Stepping out of the backroom as he slipped into his orange coat, Kenny waved goodbye to his co-worker.  As the sliding automatic doors parted before him, there was a quiet whisper heard from around the corner.  Curious he felt his brows furrow together. 

    “Cause I’m in a field of dandelions, wishing on every one that you’d be mine.  And, I see forever in your eyes, I feel okay when I see you smile.  Wishing on dandelions all of the time, praying to God that one day you’ll be mine.  Wishing on dandelions all of the time, all of the time.”  Peeking around the wall slowly, Kenny spotted Heidi crouching on the snow-covered ground.  “I think that you are the one for me.  Cause it gets so hard to breathe, when you're looking at me.  I've never felt so alive and free, when you're looking at me.  I've never felt so happy.”  Her eyes were closed as he cautiously stepped closer.  He knew she had a habit of singing when she was alone.  Sing songs that she had been listening for days on end, constantly on repeat.  _It just helps sometimes, you know?  Listening to music that has the same feeling you do._   Kenny felt himself blush.  What had she been feeling to cause her to listen to such a sweet song?  Who was she thinking about so wantingly?

    “How long have you been out here?”  Kenny finally spoke up.  At the sound of his voice, Heidi jumped.  Her body tipped to the side, causing her to reach out to the cold gravel with a gloved hand.

    “Every time, Kenny.  You always give me a heart attack.  Jesus.”  Kenny could not help himself, a wide smile flowing across his face.  As Heidi pushed herself off the ground, dusting off her pants, she answered.  “Only a few minutes.  I thought I would surprise you… What happened to calling me?”  She looked up to him playfully.

    “What happened to taking a nap?”  He shot back.  Kenny felt that Heidi was exaggerating how long she had been there—her cheeks and nose were pink from being in the cold.  But, that could have been from walking to his place of employment.  His gaze narrowed as he inspected her.  There was a slight shiver as a gust of wind blew between them.  Even with her own coat and knitted cap, she was still cold.  Without a second thought or answer to his question, Kenny left Heidi alone as he walked back into the convenience store.

    The contrast between the lights inside to the dark of night was subtle; he had been expecting it to be more of a shock.  With a shrug of his shoulders and a questionable look from his co-worker, Kenny walked to an aisle of miscellaneous items for care.  He did not have to look long for what he was searching for; one of the perks of working almost every day for two years in the same place would do that to anyone.  There was a ding sounding through the store as a customer walked in, greeted with a tired salutation from his replacement.

    “Do you know where Kenny went?”  He heard Heidi speak softly, standing at the front counter.  Having what he was looking for in his hands, Kenny made his way towards her.  Placing three small packets of hand warmers on the counter, he paid for his purchase.  From the corner of his eyes, he could see Heidi looking up towards him questioning.  Before he was able to speak, he handed the packets to her.

    “You were shivering.  It’s not much, but it should help on the walk home.”  He saw Heidi wanting to complain, but she held her tongue as they walked out through the doors together.

    “I told you, I wasn’t waiting long…”  She mumbled under her breath as she slipped the warmers into her gloves.

    “I kind of feel like you’re lying,” he joked, putting one hand into a pocket while holding the other out for Heidi to take.

    “I’m not!”

    “Uh-huh.”  She looked away dejectedly, a blush slowly creeping over her already rosy cheeks.  Absently, he felt the gentle touch of fabric against fabric as her hand glided into his, their fingers interlacing naturally.  “So, why didn’t you want to go to the Village Inn?”

    “We haven’t been spending time together lately… Or as much,” Heidi sheepishly admitted, “And, I just wanted to be with you.  Not studying or anything…”

    “Careful there Heidi.  You’re treading on dangerous waters, brazenly saying things like that.  What’s a boy to think?”

    “A boy can think anything he wants,” she pouted.

    “Is that so?”  Kenny asked, twirling her around to bring her closer to his body.  She moved clumsily, almost falling into his chest as her feet tripped over the freshly fallen snow.  As she careened her neck to gaze at him, he saw a twinkle in her eyes.  Her skin was milky white due to the cold, sharply contrasted by the bright crimson that was making its way over her entire face.  Her button nose twisted as she sniffled.  Her pink lips parted ever so slightly as she tried to understand what he was planning.  In that moment, Kenny felt all of his playfulness leave him.  She was stunning, he thought, as snowflakes rested on her cheeks.  The silence of the night faded away around them.

    What was he doing with her?  He felt his hand slide out of his pocket, his thumb wiping away the small droplets of water as they gently rolled down her face.  His attention fell back to her lips; so perfect, so full.  So soft.  He was starting to feel an overwhelming need to press his against hers.  His eyes began to feel heavy, his hand aching to bring her face closer.  His shoulders relaxed, hesitantly lower his body.  Was he really that much taller than her?  She bit at her bottom lip as a giggle began to escape her throat.

    “For a moment, I thought you were going to kiss me.”  Kenny blinked hard.  It seemed that the moment had passed.

    “And, if I was?”  His voice was breathy, almost husky as he realized what he was about to do.  She shrugged.

    “I dunno.  I guess we could have seen where that would have taken us.  I would be lying if I sa—”  She cut herself off mid-thought.

    “You’d be lying if,” he prompted as he rose a brow, curious now to what she was about to say.  She tried to pull away from his grasp, pushing against his chest as her face turned away.  “I don’t think so,” he said, “You’re going to finish what you started.”

    “No,” she whimpered.  Kenny could not help as a quiet chuckle escaped him as she continued to try to free herself.

    “Come on.  You can’t leave me hanging here.”

    “Why not?  You scared the shit out of me earlier.  I think we’re even.”

    “Not by a long shot,” he whispered, inches away from her ears.  A soft growl in defeat rumbled in her chest as she tucked her head into his coat.  Suddenly, there was an inaudible mumble.  “What was that?  I couldn’t hear you.”  Heidi sighed heavily, almost screaming as she repeated herself.

    “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it.  There.  Happy now?”

    “Thought about what, Heidi?  Surely, there are many things that you’ve thought about.  Some of which you wish to keep to yourself.  I think it’s rather vague.  Please, explain.”

    “You’re such a dick.  You know that?”

    “So I’ve heard,” he said, laughing low to himself.  Together they stood in the freezing cold, looking into each other's eyes.  And, there they were.  In the exact predicament, they had been in seconds before.  _Perfect timing doesn’t exist_ , Tammy’s voice rang loudly in his head.  How wrong she had been, Kenny thought.  But, just as he felt his hand reach for the side of her face, he stopped himself.  If he acted on impulse, on nothing but desire, what would come of their relationship?  Would she distance herself from him again?  Would he be able to look at her the same way?  “Come on.  It’s getting cold.”

    “You’re just going to let this go?”  Heidi asked, standing in place as Kenny began to step away from her.

    “Maybe.  I mean, I am a dick.”

    “That’s not true,” she protested, keeping them in the same spot.  “Maybe sometimes, but not all the time.  You can’t just have me admit something really embarrassing, and then just leave.”

    “Why not?”  He asked, turning back to face her. 

    “Because now I’m really curious about what it feels like.”

    “Is that so?”  Raising a brow, Kenny stepped back towards her.  “And, why is that?  You have kissed other guys before, right?”

    “Yeah, but that’s not the point.”

    “Then enlighten me.”  Heidi bit at her lip, turning away from the fire that burned behind Kenny’s eyes.  He needed to hear it from her.  Some kind of validation that she had feelings for him, just as he had for her.

    “You’re different.”

    “Not quite there.”  His hand rested under her chin, pulling her gaze to face him.

    “I… Trust you.”

    “Almost,” he continued.  He watched as she rolled her eyes in desperation, her words on the tip of her tongue.

    “What else do you want me to say?  That I like you or something?”

    “Do you?”  They were inches apart from each other, their voices barely above a whisper.

    “Maybe?”

    “Maybe?  What kind of answer is that?”

    “The only one that makes sense?  Come on, I need something to work with, Kenny.”

    “No, you don’t.  You know what you want to say.”  She sighed heavily.

    “It gets so hard to breathe.  When you're looking at me, I've never felt so alive and free.  When you're looking at me, I've never felt so happy.”  He watched as she looked towards the ground, unable to look at him anymore.  Her cheeks burned with fire.  He could feel it even with the distance between them.  Or, it might have been his own; he could feel a warmth casually rolling up his spine.

    “Lyrics?  Really?”

    “Well… It’s true.”  Her gaze twisted quickly back up to him, a last effort to explain what she had been trying to utter, without actually saying how she felt.  “I’m happy when you’re around.  And when I’m alone, I don’t feel completely alone, because I’m always thinking about you.  God, that sounds s—”  He had cut her off before she was able to say what she needed to say.  Together, the snow still falling to the ground effortlessly, they stood as the heat from both of their lips touching kept them warm.

* * *

** Heidi<3: **

You’re coming over, right?  Your parents

are fine with it?

** KennyM: **

I don’t think they care, really.  I’m about

to leave.  Just waiting on Karen.

** Heidi<3: **

Is anyone else coming?  They’re more

than welcome to join us.

** KennyM: **

Just us.  Besides, you wouldn’t want

my family there.

** Heidi<3: **

Kay (:  I hope you two are bringing your

appetites.  My mom kind of went a little

overboard with Christmas dinner.

** KennyM: **

Care to give me a little preview?

** Heidi<3: **

Definitely not.  It’s a surprise.

    Kenny smiled to himself as he pushed his phone into his pocket.  Laying lazily on his bed, his eyes were focused on the bumps in his ceiling.  His hand ran up the length of his button up shirt uncomfortably.  Though Heidi had told him that it was unnecessary, he still felt the need to dress up.  As his fingers fumbled their way up his chest, he could not help a roll of his eyes.  He even managed to find a tie.  He would not admit it, but the blonde had spent hours looking for videos online to tie it properly.  Why was he going through so much trouble?  He had met her parents before.  He had been to her house multiple times.  Still, he could not shake an uneasy feeling in his stomach.

    “You ready?”  Karen knocked on his door, opening it slightly.

    “Yup,” he said, pushing himself off of his old mattress.  Together, they walked through their house, leaving the rest of their family alone on Christmas Day. 

    “Too good to stay here?”  Kenny heard his father ask as their front door creaked open.

    “Nah,” Kenny sneered, “I just wanted to spend the day enjoying it, like most people.  And, since you don’t have anything better to do besides get high and drink, I thought it would be nice to go to a friend’s house who would be more than happy to have us.”

    “Come back safe,” his mother replied, her wrist bobbing up and down as she flipped through channels.  He nodded towards her direction, pulling Karen out the door before him. 

    “Maybe we shouldn’t go,” Karen said under her breath and she and Kenny started their walk to Heidi’s house.

    “They could have come,” he mumbled, his head hanging dejectedly.  It was not that he did not want to spend Christmas with his family; he had hoped that they would be able to, someday, eventually.  Without arguing and yelling and having said so many hurtful things to each other that they would later regret.  It was funny, he thought, that even though he had started to pull away from his family years ago, he still wanted them to be a family.  A real family.  That laughed with each other.  That joked with each other.  That supported each other.  Not a wreck.  Not a collection of people just trying to survive until the next day.  Beside him, Karen held his hand carefully. 

    The roads were quiet with the town of South Park carrying on with their holiday.  It was cold, but they continued in silence.  Cars passed sparingly by them, ignoring the brother and sister as they continued their trek towards the home that would welcome them with open arms.  Karen started to hum carols to herself, her steps turning to skips as they crossed the line into the warm side of their town.  She had started to shiver, Kenny noticed, as they walked into the neighborhood that was all too familiar.  He offered her his coat, but she shook her head in denial; if she wore both jackets, what was he to wear?

    Stepping onto the front porch, the front door adorned with a winter wreath, hung with love.  Garland wrapped around the door frame, hoping to inspire joy.  As his loose fist knocked against the door, Kenny could not help but note the feeling of pain in his chest.  It was the warmest, most hopeful holiday of the year that was supposed to be spent with people that he cared about.  And yet, here he was with his sister, far away from home.  There was a shuffling to the door as Kenny thought he was making a mistake.  He should not have been there.  He should not have argued with his father.  He should have invited them, before dismissing their possible want to join him and the girl who he had become completely and utterly enamored with.  The doorknob began to jiggle as it was unlocked.  Habitually, Kenny put on a brave smile that would dare not touch his sad, cold eyes.

    “Hi guys,” Heidi greeted happily.  “Come on in.  My mom is just finishing up.  You can sit on the couch if you want.”  Stepping away as she opened the door wide, he could see that she was wearing a long dress fitting for their evening.  It fluttered behind her as she invited them inside, her flats peeking out every so often.  Kenny could not help himself as he watched her move so fluidly, so effortlessly.  So comfortably.  This was the Heidi that he was so desperate to see, the one that he knew was below all the hurt and anguish.  The light he was so desperate to protect.

    “I thought you said that we didn’t have to dress up,” he heard himself say, following Karen as she took a marked seat on the soft cushions of her sofa.

    “I did.  But, that didn’t stop either of you, did it?”  Heidi replied, a mischievous smile playing on the edge of her lips.

    “Guess not,” Kenny said as he slipped out of his coat.  Handing it to Heidi, his eyes glanced around her living room.  Just as her front door was warm and inviting, her living room was as well.  Around the walls hung perfectly placed strings of lights, wrapped around garland.  It felt like a dream, to be in her house so full of love.  Everything was made to be welcoming, to be a distraction from everything that had happened during the year—if anything had.  Suddenly, Kenny’s mind wondered of the fleeting kiss they had shared.  Neither of them had brought it up when they had returned to his house.  Neither of them had spoken of it since.  Maybe it had all been his imagination.

    “I hope you’re all hungry,” Nancy called as she walked through the house, joining them in the living room, a tray of cookies in her hands.  “I just can’t control myself when it comes to the holidays and cooking.”  She beamed the children a smile, almost sickeningly sweet.  But, it was honest.  There was no doubt about that, he thought, reaching for a cookie iced colorfully.  “After dinner, if you’re up for it, we were going to open gifts.”  By the handful, Karen grabbed at the tray greedily.  Her eyes were wide with excitement; this was how Christmas was supposed to be, he thought.

    “We didn’t bring any,” Kenny argued.  He felt judgmental eyes fall on him.  Why had he not bothered to buy gifts for them?  And, after they had so willingly extended a welcome to him and his family.

    “You didn’t have to,” Heidi began to explain, reaching for her own dessert, “We just wanted to get you guys something.”  He felt his brows creased together violently.  Were they taking pity on them?  Was this some kind of handout?  No, Kenny told himself, trying to calm a burning rage.  Though he had only brief interactions with her family, he knew that Heidi was not the type of person to take sympathy on others.  If anything, it was to lend a hand, out of the goodness of her heart.  There was no malice, no ulterior motive.  It was because she wanted to.  Because she cared for their wellbeing.

“Thanks,” he muttered.

    “Of course,” Nancy dismissed easily.  She gave them another smile before returning to the kitchen to finish up any last minute details for the meal she had been preparing since early that morning.  Heidi’s father walked downstairs, his expression hard and cold as usual.  His gaze looked over Kenny and Karen carefully before he relaxed.  Maybe it was the atmosphere.  Maybe it was due to his daughter laughing and carrying on as she teased Karen about icing on her cheeks.  Whatever the reason, Kenny could not help but feel envious.  This was how a family was supposed to be on Christmas.  On every happy occasion.  Why was it so hard to have this feeling in his own home?

    “Do you need the heat turned up?  It’s pretty cold outside,” he said gruffly, staring outside the front window.

    “We’re fine,” Kenny answered softly.  With a nod, Mr. Turner went into the kitchen to help his wife where he could.

    “So… Why didn’t you want to bring your parents and Kevin?”  Heidi spoke up nonchalantly. 

    “It’s easier without them,” he answered as his gazed wondered around to anything other than Heidi who sat on the soft carpet below him.

    “I think that would be for me, and my parents, to decide.  My mom cooked enough for everyone to come.  It would have been fun.”

    “No, it wouldn’t.”  His eyes comfortably rested on the Christmas tree nestled into the corner of the Turner living room.  There were the cliché ornaments, hanging neatly around the branches in precise order.  Ribbon wrapped around behind, tucked away into the background.  It was just what he expected—everything had its place, everything had meaning.  If Kenny had invited his parents and brother, he was almost positive that they would ruin what Heidi and her parents had put together.  “My dad would just complain, Mom would probably look at everything with hungry eyes, and Kevin… He would most likely just sit around.  Not contributing to anything of importance.”

    “So?  They’re your family.  That’s what today is all about.  Isn’t it?  Spending it with people you care about?”  Kenny shrugged.  Heidi had a point.

    “That mean that you care about me?”  A sad smile pulled at the corner of his lips, his eyes lost still in the handmade ornaments from Heidi through the years.

    “Absolutely,” she whispered.  “You showed me who I’m supposed to be.  Why would I not want to spend today with you?  And, your family too.  Whether they had a part in it or not, they shaped you into who you are.  I’m kind of grateful for that.”

    “Kind of?”  He chuckled dejectedly.

    “Okay, really grateful.”

    “Get a room you guys,” Karen spoke up.  “Really.  I’m glad you guys can talk like this.  But, do I really need to hear this?”  Heidi laughed softly as she stood up.  Walking into the kitchen, whispering something or other to her parents, Kenny and Karen were left alone.  “Is that why you didn’t want them to come?”  She asked with sad eyes.

    “I dunno.  Maybe.  They wouldn’t be ready to meet with mom and dad.  Let alone be around them for a few hours.”

    “Wouldn’t that be for them to decide like Heidi said?  I know you have some animosity towards our parents and how they are.  But, still, they’re our family.  How do you think they feel knowing that their son and daughter would rather spend Christmas with someone else?”

    “Are you telling me you want to go home?  Hear the yelling and arguments?”

    “No, I’m not saying that, Kenny.  But, why do you resent them so much?”  Kenny snorted shortly.

    “How could I not?  Because of them, we live in shit.  They drink and do drugs so that they don’t have to live day to day, seeing what we go through.  Because of them, I can’t…”  His mind drifted as he failed to say that last word.  _I can’t die._   He tried.  Many times.  Sometimes accidently.  Others because he wanted to stop the hurt, stop feeling.  Stop living the life he had.  He wanted something better.  He wanted a home where everyone could depend on each other.  He wanted a real family.  He wanted his future, here and now.  But, even wishing on anything from fairytales, Kenny knew that nothing would change.  At least not today.  Or tomorrow.  But, eventually, it could.  All he had to do, was keep his eye on what he wanted.  He sighed heavily.

    “Can’t what?”

    “Nothing.”

    “Dinners ready,” Heidi called as she reemerged back into her living room.  He plastered on a fake smile; she did not deserve to see him falling into his own self-made pit.  Together, Kenny and Karen followed Heidi into her dining room, sitting in chairs that looked too nice for them to use.  Everything was too nice in her home, Kenny thought to himself.  Why had he even bothered to come here?

    “Honey,” Nancy prompted once everyone was situated at the table.  Mr. Turner gave a nod as he reached for hands around the setting to start grace.  As everyone bowed their heads, Kenny felt awkward.  Like he was out of place.  Like he was not supposed to be there.  Maybe he did not.  Not here.  Not to be friends with Heidi.  Not in his own family.  If that was the case, where did he belong?  Probably not anywhere.  Well, besides on another realm of existence.  Where immortals could spend their days, waiting for the end of time to rid them of their pitiful lives.  A place worse than Hell.

    After Mr. Turner finished the seemingly required prayer of thanks, they passed around platers of too much food.  Karen’s face was bright with eagerness as she piled everything she could high on her plate.  There was no way that she would be able to finish it all.  But, it all looked amazing.  She could not help herself.  Glancing down at his own plate, Kenny smirked.  Unintentionally, he had done the same thing.  Dinner was filled with polite conversation, mostly by the Turners and Karen.  After everyone had finished eating, his sister made her way back into the living room, plopping down heavily on to the couch.

    “Do you need any help cleaning up?”  Kenny asked as he pushed in his seat.

    “No, that’s alright hun.  Why don’t you two go sit in the living room and decompress?  We can open presents in an hour or so,” Nancy explained, reaching for the still half full dishes on the table.

    “Or,” Heidi said close to him, “We could go for a walk.  I found this really nice place at Stark’s Pond.”

    “Oh?”  He questioned.

    “Mhmm.  It’s nice and quiet”  Walking past a now comatose Karen, laying half-awake on the soft, plush cushions of her sofa, Heidi and Kenny both slipped into their winter coats.  Zipping up the zipper the length of his brightly colored jacket, Kenny watched as she turned her head, hands fastening buttons as she called back towards the kitchen.

    “We’ll be back in a little bit.”

    “Alright,” her parents answered back in unison.

    “You have your phone?”  Her father asked, stepping into the living room, a plate of meat in his heavy hands.

    “Always,” Heidi answered, her hand resting on the doorknob as she tugged on it lightly.  Kenny followed behind her outside the door.  His head stared at the ground as his hands found their home in his pockets.

    “Ready?”  She asked, wearing a bright smile as she peered around to see his face.

    “After you.”  Giggling down the front steps, she walked onto the snow-covered sidewalk in front of her house.  Neighbors from around her block were outside; no doubt wanting to spend the rest of the day in the chill air.  He had hoped that they would go unnoticed.  The last thing he wanted was to run into his friends.  Their questions would be too annoying for him to want to answer.  His arm began to ache as they started their walk to the frozen pond.  He wanted to take hold of her hand tightly in his.  If anything, to remind himself that he was not alone.  To remind himself, that there was at least one other person besides Karen that wanted him around, wanted him to stay alive.

    Walking over the stone bridge that rested over the pond, Kenny could not help but give Heidi a side-glance; what was she thinking, coming out here together?  Her cheeks were pink, the cold seeming to be a bit too much for her.  Her knitted cap covered the very tops of her ears, sagging slightly behind her head.  It looked pointless, he thought, not keeping body heat as it was intended.  Suddenly, he saw that she had not put in her headphones like usual.  Raising a brow, he questioned.

    “Not listening to anything lately?”

    “I have.  But, there’s something I want you to listen to.  When we get to the spot.”  She turned towards him, her smile still as bright as ever.  He felt his own cheeks flush as he pulled his hood over his head.

    “Let me guess; a song you’ve been playing hourly?”  Her hand went to her lips, resting lighting on her flesh as a light giggle escaped her.

    “Maybe.”  Nearing the edge of town, Kenny felt his shoulders drop a weight he had been carrying.  With each step they took towards the tree line, he could feel himself growing safe in the isolation—here, it would be acceptable if he reached for her hand.  Distractedly, as if on cue, he heard the ruffling of his jacket, his arm freeing itself from his pocket.  As his hand left the warmth against his body, his fingers outstretched, wanting, needing, to have hers tangled up around his.  Before his hand was able to fall to his waist, Heidi had already taken hold of his hand.

    “Where are we going, anyway?”  Kenny asked, feeling at peace for the first time that day.

    “There’s a clearing I heard about that I wanted to see.”

    “From who?”

    “I can’t remember.  It should be right up here though… I think.”  Pushing through a line of trees, the two of them came upon a small open patch of forest; nothing but a large boulder sitting on the far side.  There was a collective silence around them as they tiptoed towards the rock.  The sun shone down brilliantly onto the barren patch of land.

    “Now I really wanna know how you heard about this place…”  Kenny whispered softly as he slowly spun around.

    “If I could remember, I would tell you,” she giggled, “I thought you would like it here.”  She stepped past him, her shoes barely making a sound as they fell onto the snow.  He could not help but feel a bit relieved being in this place all alone, away from South Park, away from school and work.  Away from his family.  Here, nothing mattered, it seemed.  Nothing could touch him.  His eyes closed lightly as he felt his arms spread out.  Barely leaning back, Kenny let himself fall into the untouched snow.  As his body collided with the earth, he could not help but smile brightly.  All he could think of, all that this moment could remind him, was his brief time in Heaven.  Behind him, now sitting casually on the boulder, he could hear Heidi swiping through her phone, searching for the exact song she had been wanting to show him.

    “I’ve been thinking,” he spoke up.

    “You always are.”

    “Why don’t we… Like… Actually, date?  I mean, if you think about it, we’re basically already dating.  Right?”

    “I guess so.”  In his mind’s eye, Kenny could see her pouting, her voice hesitant.  Had he jumped the gun?  Misinterpreted her need to rely on him?

    “If you want to, that is…  I’d be cool with it.”

    “Really?”  She questioned sarcastically, “I would have never thought you would.  Especially with how you asked.”

    “Okay, smartass,” he said as evenly as possible.  Heidi did not need to know how much her indifferent response had hurt him.  He had thought that what they had was good.  So, what was the point in just keeping them as they were?  It was obvious that there was something between them, something that they both had been searching for.

    “It’s not that I don’t want to,” she started to clarify, “It’s just…  I don’t want to put a label on this.  At least right now.  Because, I feel that if I allow myself to get wrapped up in being in a relationship, that I might falter and fall down.  In the past when that happened, I found myself deeper in a void than I was before.  You’ve helped me so much.  I wouldn’t want this to be something that would end up breaking.”

    “You don’t have to explain anything, Heidi.  It was just a thought.”

    “Save me from myself,” she started to sing quietly to herself as she walked over to join him, “Don’t let me drown.”  Of all the things, he thought.  Did Heidi still feel like she was cascading down into an ocean of darkness where no one, not even him, could save her?  But, she had said that the song was for him.  Was this another way of her telling him that she would be there?  He could feel his mind working hard, oblivious to everything around him.  Suddenly, Kenny felt Heidi crouch down next to him, holding out a hand.  He tried reaching for her hand.  However, his arms could not move.  A weight was holding him down.  He started to panic as his world began to darken.  The clear sky filled with rolling black clouds.  Wind wiped around the two of them, their own personal paradise crashing.  As everything continued to fade away around him, Kenny found himself waking up to the sound of his phone ringing loudly on his bed.

    “H-hello?”  He answered, half awake.

    “Jesus, I thought you were ignoring me.  I was starting to get worried,” Heidi said as she breathed a sigh of relief.

    “No.  I guess I fell asleep…  What time is it?”

    “Almost three.  You still coming for dinner?”

    “Yeah…” His voice trailed off in thought.  It was strange.  Had everything been a dream?  Rubbing his eyes, Kenny asked her a question before he had the chance to think too much about it.  “Would it be alright if my parents and Kevin came too?”

    “Of course,” she sang, “I was hoping that you would change your mind.  My mom made extra just in case.  It wouldn’t really be Christmas if you couldn’t spend it with your family, now would it?”  Kenny smiled into his phone as he sat up. 

    “I guess not.  We’ll be on our way shortly.”


	8. Sophomore Year Part Three; A Thing for Blonde Boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the late update! I kind of burnt myself out before posting so much within a short amount of time <3

** Kennyyy(: : **

Is the deed done?

    Heidi stood in her room, looking down at her phone, it resting quietly on her bed.  It had just been moments before that she emerged from her shower.  Toweling out her hair, she felt her eyes roll sarcastically as the slight pull at the corners of her lips forced a smile onto her face.

** Heidi: **

Maybe it is.  We still meeting in an hour?

** Kennyyy(: : **

That is if you still want to come over.

** Heidi: **

When don’t I want to spend time with you?

** Kennyyy(: : **

Fair enough.

** Heidi: **

I just have to dry off and get dressed.

** Kennyyy(: : **

So, you’re not going to show me beforehand,

I take it?

** Heidi: **

Where’s your sense of mystery?

** Kennyyy(: : **

I’m an impatient man, Heidi.  This should be

of no surprise.

** Heidi: **

And it should be no surprise, that I like to

keep you waiting ;)

** Kennyyy(: : **

Heidi Turner, are you flirting with me?

** Heidi: **

Maybe I am.  What of it?

** Kennyyy(: : **

If this is the start of a change in you, I am so

down to see what’s to come of it.

** Heidi: **

Is that so?

** Kennyyy(: : **

Hurry up and get dressed.

    Heidi could not help but let out a small giggle.  Kenny’s eagerness to see what Heidi had done with her hair was exciting.  Over their winter break, she had confided in the blonde that she wanted to change who she was.  The Goth Kids that they would see every so often in the Village Inn had caused her to wonder; what was so fascinating, so liberating, about being in the darkness so willingly.  Though the blonde did have his concerns, mostly a grudge he would not divulge, about her wanting to be a part of the Goth Kids.  But, wanting to explore all the subsects of being a goth, he was more than supportive.  Together, they had stopped at the local pharmacy after school so that she would be able to pick up a cheap box of hair dye.  Raven black was the color that she had decided upon, after spending close to thirty minutes in front of the small selection of dye.

    As she held the box delicately in her hands, Heidi could not help but think; what if she also changed how she did her makeup?  On impulse, she had also purchased a dark red lipstick, black eyeliner and a tube of black mascara.  Leaving the store, they had agreed to meet back at Kenny’s house after her slight transformation.  Walking home alone, Heidi felt a certain giddiness.  An excitement that she had not expected before.  She already had an outfit in mind from when she and her mother had gone shopping after Christmas.  By that point, she had already been entertaining the idea of wearing darker clothes, picking out deep reds, purples, blues and of course, blacks.

    Now standing in the middle of her room with a towel wrapped around her body, Heidi pulled articles of clothing from her closet.  Even in the middle of January, she picked out a free-flowing skirt.  It was still too cold to wear it by itself, so to combat part of the harsh winter winds, she grabbed a thick pair of thigh high stockings.  As her hand reached for a thick sweater and undershirt—a deep V t-shirt—Heidi bit at her lip, debating with herself.  Since she and Kenny had shared a kiss, she could not help but think about what it would feel like if the two of them explored other avenues.  After all, as many of her friends and her mother had pointed out, the two of them seemed to be a couple.  Would it be so wrong for them to commit to each other?  Not just emotionally, like they had been doing since their reconnection.

    Her heart beat wildly in her chest as she stared at her folded panties in her drawer.  Would it be too much if she went without?  Would it be too much at once to want to be physical with the boy who had slowly been making his way into her every waking thought?  Into her dreams?  For the first time since the voice in the back of her head had left her alone, Heidi had wished it was still with her.  If anything, to tell her what to do.  Closing her eyes tightly, making a split-second decision, Heidi closed her closet, walking into her bathroom to dry her hair and do her makeup.

    At first, she was startled by her appearance.  Her now black hair was so drastically different, she had wondered if she made a mistake.  It was too dark, too bold.  What if she did not like it?  Would she have to cut all her hair off?  After spending years of growing it out down to the middle of her back?  No.  With a  nod to herself, Heidi picked up her hair dryer, blowing out her hair.  If she was to continue this road to self-discovery, she would have to get used to the new her.  The improved her.  The her that danced with her demons.  Slowly, a smile began to make its way to her face.  As her roots dried, Heidi made herself relish in the darker her. 

    Heidi took a good, hard look at herself once her hair was completely dry.  Her eyes seemed to sparkle more.  Her cheeks rosier.  But, that might have been because she was slightly nervous about what she was doing.  Glancing at her toilet, she spotted the plastic bag from her trip to the pharmacy.  Inside the thin bag, held the rest of her transformation—the darker makeup she would undoubtedly have difficulty getting used to.  But, just as the new color in her hair slowly seemed to be normal, Heidi was sure that on a regular basis, she would become accustomed to her new cosmetics.

    Back in her room, there was an uneasiness in her stomach, countless butterflies fluttering about uncomfortably.  Heidi felt that she was going to be sick, making her way to her bedroom door countless times only to realize it was just nerves.  Carefully, she dressed.  With one last look at herself in her mirror, Heidi barely recognized the girl looking back at her.  She seemed to wear confidence on her sleeves.  Her eyes looked like they could command an entire room on their own.

    “Hello,” she whispered to the reflection.  Even her voice sounded different.  It was not meek like she had expected.  But, at this point, she was unsure why she was still surprised about being surprised.  Her voice was sultry, almost sexy in a way, that like her eyes would be able to control masses with ease.   However, that was not what she wanted.  Yes, there was a certain appeal to being able to flaunt herself confidently.  The power that came with this seemingly new ability, though, was something that she would need to learn to control.  If left to do as it pleased, Heidi was sure that she would become intoxicated, a victim to herself once more.  Sure that she was ready now, or at least as ready as she would ever be, Heidi stepped downstairs with a cute backpack she had bought online in place of her old strappy purse.  Slipping on her ankle boots, she left a note for her parents, letting them know that she would be home later.

* * *

    Walking in the frigid wind, Heidi cursed at herself, having to hold down her skirt as gusts blew past her constantly.  The crunch of day-old snow underneath her boots was almost music to her ears with every step she took.  At least that had stayed the same.  Why was she so adamant on wearing this outfit?  Surely, it would be enough to dress as she normally did, with the only difference being her hair and the darker shades of cosmetics on her face.  As she neared the gas station where Kenny regularly worked, Heidi began to feel a vibration in her backpack.  Carefully, she slung it around her shoulder, pulling out her phone.

    “Hey Kenny,” she greeted as normally as she could, keeping her chattering teeth to a minimum.

    “You on your way yet?”

    “Yeah, I’m passing your work now.  What’s up?”

    “It’s been an hour and I haven’t heard from you.  Just wanted to see where you were.”

    “Are you worried about me, Kenny McCormick?”  She said, her smile evident in her voice. 

    “Don’t kid yourself, Heidi.”

    “Ouch.”

    “I always worry about you,” he said, his voice just above a whisper.  If she was in his company when he had said what he did, she was almost positive that she would have blushed.  More so than she already was.

    “R-rather bold, don’t you think?  Just to come out and say that?”  On the other side of the receiver, Heidi heard Kenny mumble under his breath, seeming to be agitated.  “Is everything okay?”

    “Yeah, just I think Kevin took my shit again.  I swear one of these days, I’m going to kick that boy’s ass.”

    “Well, let me let you go.  I’ll be there shortly.”

    “Yeah.”  Just as she was about to hang up, she thought she heard Kenny call for his brother.  Continuing her walk to his house, Heidi turned on the song she had been listening to while she had been waiting for Kenny the night they had shared a kiss.  Maybe, she was thinking too much of it.  They had not talked about it since or had kissed again.  Quietly, she took each step deliberately, her hands rapping against her thighs along with the beat, waiting for the start of the lyrics.

    “Maybe it’s the way you say my name.  Maybe it’s the way you play your game.  But, it’s so good.  I’ve never known of anybody like you.  But, it’s so good.  I’ve never dreamed of nobody like you.”  Reaching Kenny’s home, Heidi did not bother with walking to his front door—his bedroom window was now the only entrance she took, though it still seemed to be rather invasive.  Still, she slid open the window pane carefully, pulling herself up and over the metal guides.  Stepping onto his carpet, she noticed that he had not returned back into his room.  Suddenly, there were loud curses spat towards, she assumed, Kevin as Kenny found his stash most likely barely hidden in a dresser drawer.

    Waiting to be reunited with the blonde, Heidi quickly made herself at home in her home away from home.  It was strange, she thought as she walked over to his nightstand, how comfortable she had become within the McCormick household.  Even so, it did not stop her from laying out their supplies carefully on Kenny’s sheets and comforter with care.  Once she was done, Heidi found herself crawling up onto the mattress, knees tucked underneath her, as she searched for a new song to listen to.  She smiled to herself as a new favorite club beat bounced off the thin walls of his room.  Closing her eyes, Heidi leaned back slightly, her head dropping behind her as she slowly lost herself in the song.

    “We are the dreamers, in an empty sky.  Open up our eyes, as we light up the darkness.  Well, it’s beautiful tonight, we will elevate our life.  Open up the sky, for us and we shine.”  She could not help as a smile made its way onto her face.  It was kind of funny, she thought, that she would be a light in the darkness.  Or have a light.  It had been so long since she felt comfortable in her own skin, to be her honest self.  If this was how she was going to feel all the time, especially in the company of Kenny, Heidi was sure that she would be able to get back to who she was.  If that was still possible.

    Her thoughts continued to swim around in her head as she thought to herself.  Did she want to go back to who she used to be?  She had to admit, that she was enjoying exploring this new her.  But, did it have a cost, she wondered.  From Kenny’s door, she heard the handle begin to turn, his voice low as he mumbled curses under his breath.

    “I told him, I don’t know how many times, to keep this away from Karen.  I’ll be damned if…”  Heidi heard his voice trail off as he stepped through his door.  Curious, she tilted her head to him.  His expression was blank as his mouth hung open.  Sure, he probably was expecting her to be in his room after their phone call.  But, to be so comfortable and at ease on his bed wearing what she was, seemed to be a bit too much for him to handle.  At least, in the middle of a rant about how his brother continued to disregard keeping their sister safe and innocent to certain things.

    “Something wrong, Kenny?”  Heidi asked, placing her hands on her knees.  He stood a moment longer in silence, a slight blush warming his cheeks.

    “Maybe.”  He cleared his throat, taking his attention away from Heidi as she situated herself more conservatively on his bed.  “Just… Kevin smoked a lot.  And, I can’t get a hold of my guy to get more.  So, we might not be able to as high as we normally so.  But, if you’re up for it… I-I know a way that we can still get buzzed.”  Heidi could see the gears in his head turning, thinking of something mischievous.

    “Was that a stutter?”  She teased.  Heidi watched as Kenny rolled his eyes, a playful smile pulling at the corner of his lips.  Walking over to his bed, not even the least bit surprised at the sight his tools laid out before him, he continued.

    “The day you make me actually stutter will be the day that something is going to change between the two of us.”

    “So, something is changing today?”  She asked partly serious.  Heidi would dare not admit it, but for the past few nights, she had trouble sleeping or staying asleep—the thought of she and Kenny together tortured her beyond what she thought possible.  More so than the voice used to.  She was happy, honestly happy.  If not for the sole reason that he had accepted everything about her, and still wanted to see everything she could be.  Good or bad.  It was a welcomed escape from her old way of thinking.  Her heart started to pound against her chest as she waited for Kenny to get things ready and to explain how exactly they were going to smoke together.

    “Maybe,” he said giving her a side glance from under his lashes.  Her cheeks flushed, causing her to turn away, her heart feeling as if it would explode.  What was going on with her?  What was she feeling towards the blonde to cause her to feel so vulnerable?  Suddenly, the darkness that she was so willing to fall back into was gone.  _He cares for you.  Just as scared as you are._   Heidi smiled to herself.  She thought she was done with the voices in her head.  It had been a while since she had heard anything.  And yet, she was glad that the one that had persuaded her all that time ago to confide in Kenny was still guiding her.

    “How did you get that scar on your face?”  She asked suddenly as Kenny licked the ends of the paper they would be sharing shortly.

    “Got into a fight a long time ago.”

    “About what?”  Heidi moved towards the head of the bed as Kenny pulled himself up beside her.  There was a twinkle in his eyes as he relived his memories from years ago.

    “A girl.”

    “She must have been someone really important,” Heidi mumbled to herself.  Though the cause of his scar seemed to be rather extreme, part of her wished to know if Kenny would fight for her.  At the very thought, her blush brushed her whole face.  Why did she want that?  Why was it so important for Kenny to fight for her?  For her honor?  Kenny shrugged to himself.

    “You can say that.  You can even say that I loved her.”

    “You don’t anymore?”  Heidi had been unaware of a weight that had settled heavily in her chest.  That was until she suddenly felt lighter.  How could she be jealous of a girl that she had no idea about?  Of a girl from years ago?

    “Oh, no.  I still do.  It’s just complicated.  Or rather, the love that I have for her has changed.”

    “How so?”  There was a slight smile at the corner of his lips.

    “Someone is curious.” 

    “W-well yeah.  We’ve known each other for years, but I don’t feel that I know you.  I mean, I do.  But, there are some things that I feel I missed out on since middle school.  If that makes sense.”  Kenny nodded.

    “Time and place for everything,” he said coyly, winking at her.  “So, have you ever shotgunned with anyone?”

    “Can’t say that I have,” Heidi said matter-of-factly, “If I was honest, I haven’t done anything with anyone.  Before you, that is.”  Getting comfortable against his wall, Kenny held the end of the joint between his teeth, his speech somewhat muffled as an arm slithered behind her.

    “I see.  So, basically, I take a hit and exhale into your mouth.  It helps if we’re close together, too.”  At that moment, Heidi felt a hand that had been carefully making its way around her waist.  With a firm pull, she quickly found herself sitting awkwardly on Kenny’s lap, her thighs sitting comfortably against his lower stomach.  Why had she thought that it was a good idea to not wear any underwear?  Inches away from his face, she felt the need to look away—if she dared to look at him for too long, she was almost sure that she would take it upon herself to kiss him, just as he had done before.  Instinctually, her hands found themselves resting atop his shoulders.  Though she had been caught off guard, Heidi thought it was odd how easily she placed her hands on his body, as if they belonged.  As if, there was nothing stopping the two of them in this momentary intimate embrace.

    “Is this necessary?”  She asked, her voice shaky.

    “The closer, the better.  Do you feel uncomfortable?”  He asked, pulling away from her just enough to spark the end of the rolled paper.

    “N-no,” she answered meekly, her head further ducking down away from his gaze.  The confidence that she once exuded while in her room was completely gone.  They sat in silence as Heidi felt Kenny’s chest expand, taking in a deep drag.  How was this supposed to work, she wondered.  Were their lips supposed to touch?  Or would they keep the tiniest distance between them?  As her head continued to swirl with impure thoughts, she felt the slightest touch on the underside of her chin.  Time seemed to slow down as Kenny coaxed her face towards his.  Heidi was unsure as to why, but as she was pulled closer and closer to the blonde, she felt her lips part in the smallest way.  Her eyelids began to feel heavy as her heart unceasingly beat wildly against her chest.  She was almost positive, that he could hear it even with her music still playing in the background.  It was embarrassing, she thought, being so wrapped around his finger.  But, Kenny was not like that.  Anything and everything they did together, was mutual.  Nothing was forced.  Nothing was awkward, even if she did feel that way from time to time.  Everything was open, accepted.  Blissful.

    The distance, not that there was much, continued to close.  As it did so, Heidi began to feel one of her hands acting rogue, reaching towards the back of his neck.  It was slow and subtle.  And yet, as their lips touched, and Heidi tasted the sweetness of Kenny’s breath forcing its way into her, she could have sworn that she felt a smile on his lips.  They stayed locked together for longer than was necessary.  She was almost certain of it.  It was not until Kenny pulled himself away from her, did Heidi realize that she needed to exhale the smoke within her own lungs.  Tilting back just slightly, still holding onto Kenny’s shoulders for support, she expelled a soft cloud of smoke.

    “Nicely done,” Kenny spoke up, his voice sounding deeper than usual.  His praise caused Heidi to let out a small, uneasy giggle.  It was strange to her, being so comfortable around someone who she had known, been learning about all over again, for the past year and a half.  Sure, she had been open and leaned on him for support when she needed it.  But, this.  This felt very different.  Not even her girlfriends that she had known for as long as she could remember, ever made her feel this at ease.  Never did she think that she would have feelings for the poor blonde.  Nor did she think that she would feel so relaxed in her own skin.  All because he had allowed her to be as she needed to be.

    “All of these compliments are eventually going to go straight to my head, Kenny,” Heidi whispered, keeping her head tilted behind her.  Her slight tummy continued to sit against the lower part of Kenny’s hips as he once more took another drag.  When he was ready for her to take the hit, she could feel the pulling of a hand she had not yet noticed, sitting in the small of her back.  It did not take much persuading from him for her to reach his lips once again.  The hand that she had rested securely around the back side of his neck continued to act on its own; touching and exploring the short locks that hung haphazardly behind his messy mop of hair.  How had she never noticed how soft his hair was?  Or the taste of his breath?  Or how content she was touching lips with him?

    Once again, they pulled away from each other as Heidi exhaled.  Her sweater that she had put on when she left her home was starting to get too warm.  From the corner of her eyes, she watched as Kenny looked at her, his eyes wide, as she slowly took off her top layer of clothing.  Free from the confines of the knitted fabric, suddenly, Heidi felt a chill run up her spine.  Unintentionally, her body spasmed.  As her hair fell behind her, resting against the thin, deep v t-shirt she was wearing, Heidi was caught off guard as she heard Kenny choke, coughing in his free hand.

    “You okay?”  She heard herself whisper, her voice heavy with concern.

    “Yeah.  Just was not expecting you to be wearing that.  Or, how you would move in it.” Kenny explained, still trying to clear his throat.

    “And, what’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”  Heidi asked.

    “Absolutely nothing,” he continued, his eyes still wide as he shook his head slowly.  “I mean, you’re more than welcome to wear whatever you want.  Have your hair however you want.  Even your makeup…”  She watched, as he reached subconsciously for his lips, wiping away any trace of her dark red lipstick that might have transferred to him.  “It’s just a bit to take in.  Not that I don’t like it,” he quickly added before Heidi had the opportunity to pout, “Just, a lot to process.”

    “So, you’ve been trying to play it cool this whole time?”

    “Guilty,” Kenny said, once again trying to take a deep drag of their joint.

    “Wait.”  Kenny froze, his eyes locked with hers.  “Do you think I’m attractive?”  He paused for a moment, holding his breath as he thought to himself.  He grinned wide, pulling her to him once more.

    “Ever since you talked to me in the library.”  Heidi blushed, her thoughts in complete chaos.  This was news to her, that anyone could find her remotely appealing.  Even with knowing her faults.  Exhaling for the third time, and possibly final time, Heidi thought back to every time she and Kenny had met in the quiet area of the school.  Suddenly, forgotten years ago, she remembered that they had used to spend time together, much like they did now.  Though, it never went beyond them spending time at school.

    “Talked to me in the library when?”  Kenny raised a curious brow as he examined their almost gone joint bittersweetly.

    “Hmm?”

    “When did you think I was sexy?  Last year, or back in middle school?”

    “Wouldn’t you like to know?”  He said with a side grin.

    “I think it’s important to know.  I mean, something could have happened between us then, instead of now.”  Kenny shrugged as he extinguished the end of the rolled paper, resting his now empty hands on her hips.  Carefully, her head tilted to the side; Heidi was going to get an answer out of him, even if she had to spend the whole day with him.  At the prospect, she could not help but feel a shy smile grace her cheeks.

    “Is it?”  Kenny whispered.

    “It is,” she replied, sitting closer to him.  Her arms now wrapped themselves around his shoulders loosely, enjoying this moment of solitude and hushed confessions between them.

    “You sure you want to know, Heidi Turner?  We might not be able to come back to this.”

    “I…”  She lowered her head deep in thought, her brows creasing together tightly as her hands gripped at Kenny’s shirt as if she might fly away on a cloud.  Because there was no way that this was real.  It had to be a dream.  Her voice lowered, just above being heard, as she spoke.  “I don’t think I want to come back.  To this, or to who I used to be.  And, I know this whole going darker thing to bring out parts of me I would rather forget about, kind of goes against that.  But, I want to push past it, and be happy about the future.  I want…”  Her voice trailed off.

    “To get a milkshake?”  Kenny offered.  She chuckled.  It was not that Kenny was trying to change the subject, she thought, but more like he wanted to make her feel more at ease.  It was becoming apparent that Heidi was growing uncomfortable the more she wished to speak what was on her mind.  She wanted nothing else but to be utterly vulnerable with someone.  Someone like Kenny.  To be seen as she was, faults and all.  To be seen naked, while still being clothed.  But, as she kept arguing with herself about letting herself come clean, it seemed that Kenny had a point.  This moment, if tarnished with silly words or thoughts and feelings that would, could, potentially ruin what they had, whatever it was, would be something that neither of them would be able to recover from.  All their time that they had spent together over the course of the past year and a half, could be gone overnight.  And, it terrified Heidi.  Still, she continued.  If there was one thing that she had gained from her time with Kenny, it was that she could speak her mind as she needed to.

    “That, and to be free.  With someone, who can see me as I am, not who I pretend to be in the public eye.  Who knows how to handle me on bad days because I haven’t quite figured out how to do it on my own yet.  Who I can argue with, without judgment, and who understands me completely.”  Her eyes had closed tightly together as she rambled on, unclear to even herself.  As she waited for Kenny to say something, anything, to alleviate the tension that she was feeling, Heidi began to feel his body shift under hers.  Slowly, they had started to move away from the wall that they had been sitting against.  Her body froze in terror.  She had broken what they had with her bold words, she was almost sure of it.  Her chin began to tremble with fear as Heidi felt her eyes starting to water just behind her lids.

    Why did it matter, she wondered?  Sure, they had shared a kiss, and many heart to heart talks that would leave her barren and exposed.  But this.  Silence as they moved to stand.  It was too heavy for her to carry on her own.  It was everything she wanted to say when he had prompted her before but was too afraid to admit that this boy in front her had been everything she wanted.  Everything she needed.  That, he had brought out the best in her, when she had no idea that that even existed.  Heidi had been defeated.  She felt herself slipping away, a cold loneliness wrapping her body in its emotionless embrace.

    As her fingers began to loosen themselves around the fabric of Kenny’s shirt, she felt an overwhelming desire to be seen.  To feel that she was not as alone as she felt.  That, her feelings for him might be returned.  Without thinking or opening her eyes, Heidi sensed her hands clawing their way up against Kenny’s neck in desperation.  Cupping both sides of his face, her thumb grazing the scar that was still a mystery to her, she leaned into him.

    The shallow part of her back felt cold as the heat from Kenny’s hand made its way to the base of her neck, pulling her in deeper than she would have been on her own.  She could feel his fingers get tangled in her long locks of freshly dyed hair, unsure themselves of what they could and could not do.  Their faces collided awkwardly, their lips needing to feel the others.  Though it was unfamiliar, greedy, and too passionate for her to even describe, Heidi felt a sense of contentment she had been longing for—how long, she was unsure. 

    All her panic, her uncertainty, her need to be seen as anything other than who she was, melted away almost instantly.  In this moment of chaos and bodies moving of their own will, Heidi felt that part of her finally belonged somewhere.  With someone.  And, it was silly, to her.  She had never been one to think that she needed a boy to validate her very existence.  That was too cliché.  Too high school.  Too immature.  But, if that was the case, why did she feel a wetness on her cheeks as she melted into the blonde.  There was a lump in her throat, her voice needing to utter the very words she had said to both Eric and Kyle years ago.  However, she stopped herself.  Would Kenny feel that she was saying it because she was desperate?  Not that it was true, but it had been a while since she had felt this way, this feeling of strong emotion she could only hope was love.

    “Actually, thinking about it,” Kenny said, whispered as he pulled himself away from Heidi, “Attraction might not be the right word.  But… I did feel something for you.  Back in middle school.”  Forcibly, she separated herself from him, adding to the already growing distance.  All this time, Kenny had been harboring feelings for her?  And yet, he said nothing?

    “Why, didn’t you say anything?”

    “You wouldn’t give me the time of day,” he half-joked.  “I tried to talk to you, get you to not think about that Fatass and his bullshit.  Honestly, it was kind of heartbreaking seeing you isolate yourself.”  Heidi felt her gaze narrow as she tried to look for any kind of hint that could let her know that what he was saying was true.  Though she felt it in her heart, it was still hard to believe.  Up until that point, she had assumed that Kenny and Eric had been such good friends.  That they had been their entire lives.  And, why was he so concerned for her back then?  The two other them never really did anything with each other outside of school, and until she dated Eric, they never hung out with each other.

    “Why?”

    “Why, what?”

    “Why did you care about me?”

    “Because.  You were always this bright girl; so kind and smart.  After he basically destroyed you, I don’t know why, but it hurt to see you that way.  Even years after, it still hurt.  Because you still are a kind person, despite everything.  It pissed me off that he could do something like that to you.  Not that it was surprising.  But, you deserved better.  And, I wanted you to see that for yourself.”  He shrugged to himself, as he continued to reminisce, “Then Kyle came along and stole my thunder before I thought that I could actually talk to you about anything.”

    “I… I wish you would have said something,” Heidi whispered, her voice getting stuck behind the ever-growing lump in her throat.  “Then, I wouldn’t have wasted so much time looking in all the wrong places for something, anything, to make me feel like I do now.”

    “And what would that be?”  Kenny asked, the glint from one of his earrings catching the setting sun from his window.

    “Maybe something really powerful, and I don’t want you to think that I’m saying it just to say it.  Or that it might be the same thing I felt a long time ago because it’s not.  I promise, and swear on my life, it’s not.”  Cowardly, Heidi glanced to Kenny, waiting as always she always did for him to interject.  But, just like always, he leaned back once more against the wall, waiting for her elaborate.  How naive she was, thinking that he would critique her when he had never done so before.  Taking a deep breath, Heidi went on.  “Like it was okay to feel all the bad things.  That, it’s okay to be scared and worried about things that may or may not come.  That, everything tastes so much sweeter when I’m happy.  That, I don’t have to strive to be perfect all the time, because I’m not,” a nervous giggle escaped her, “And, that I might be in love with you.

    “You don’t know how much it means to me, for you just to sit there and bullshit about anything and everything.  How normal it makes me feel.  Like, even now.  Here I am basically telling you everything that I’ve been trying so hard to keep in check because I’m scared that once I get it all out in the open, things will change between us and we won’t be able to come back to this moment of innocence.  And, it terrifies me.  Out of everything that I have gained and learned and been able to be a part of, it’s all because you have been there for me.  The con last year, supporting my guilty pleasures in games and nerdy things.  Listening to me and hearing me out when I would have rather just been left alone.”  Kenny sat silently for entire speech thus far, but it was starting to be too much for Heidi to handle alone.  Her head fell until she was resting against his chest, her body yearning for some kind of touch from him to tell her that everything she was saying, was alright.  That, maybe she was not as alone as she felt. 

    It was not until she felt a stray tear rolling down her cheek onto the bare space between her skirt and tights, did Heidi know that she was crying.  Why was it so terribly scary for her to admit these feelings, not only to Kenny but to herself as well?  Why was it causing so much pain just to say it all aloud?  “And, I would rather die than to have all that go away.”

    “Don’t say that,” Kenny whispered.  Heidi choked, her tears too much for her to handle.  “Heidi, listen to me,” he cooed, pulling her face so that their eyes locked, “I’ve been fighting for you to pay the slightest attention to me for years.  It’s been hard, and I was so willing to give up.  But, then you were just there like I’ve always wanted.  There is no way, that I’m going to want this to go away, either.  Not unless you want it to.”

* * *

    To say that Heidi felt like a zombie the next day of school, was an understatement.  Between crying, baring all, and being up the entire night concerned for Karen, she was drained to her core.  After finally leaving Kenny’s house around nine the previous evening, he had called her on the way home.  During their time together alone in his room, the pair had failed to realize that Karen had come home from a friend’s house with a stomachache, slight fever, and inability to keep anything down.  With no one else around—at least anyone responsible enough—Kenny took her to the hospital.

    There was little to no word from him until it was almost time for school.  Apparently, Karen had come down with acute appendicitis.  He was going to come to school, but Heidi had convinced him that it would be better to be with Karen and to get some much-needed rest—hospitals were never all that comfortable to sleep in.  Even though she had been wanting to wear the darkness on her sleeves, Heidi was glad that she had not covered her face in what she thought was warpaint that morning.  Time and place, Kenny’s voice echoed in her head.  Eventually, she would become comfortable enough to wear her new makeup at school.  Today, however, was not that day.

** Heidi: **

Did you want me to bring your classwork home with me?

    Heidi texted away as she fumbled with her locker.  What class was she supposed to be going to?  Closing her eyes tightly together, she tried and was failing to remember where she was supposed to be going. 

    “H-hey Heidi,” she heard from behind her.  Her body jolted as the sound of her own name coming from someone other than her friends or Kenny—it just felt odd.  “S-s-sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

    “It’s okay, Tweek.  I’m just not here right now.  What’s up?”  Turning towards the spazzy blonde, it was a welcome surprise to see Tweek and the characteristic dark circles that hung low below his eyes.  How long had it been since she had talked to him?  Or anyone else from middle school for that matter?

    “D-did you change y-your hair color?”

    “Yeah,” she said, attempting to give him a smile, “I did it yesterday.”

    “I-it looks good on you.”

    “Thanks.”  Tweek ducked down below his frizzled hair as if suddenly feeling that he was too exposed without the comfort of his friends around.  Which now seemed weird to her.  Though she had been rather distant for years, Heidi could have sworn that she had only seen Tweek out of the comfort of Craig and his gang a handful of times.  “Where’s Craig?”

    “He’s already in his class… B-but I was wondering if you would want to walk with me?”

    “Sure.  Where are we going?”  Tweek let out a chaotic spasm that kind of felt like forced laughter to Heidi.  It was good to know, that even if things were changing—as they always were—that some things would stay the same.

    “We have E-English together,” he explained.

    “Of course.”  Quickly pulling her needed textbook from the confines of her metal locker, the warning bell blaring above her head, Heidi walked to class with Tweek.  The two of them did not say a word to each other, to which she was slightly thankful for.  Being the last students in their class to arrive right before the final bell, Heidi and Tweek found themselves content with taking the only seats in the back of the classroom.  It was here that they would feel most comfortable.  The droning on and on from her teacher almost made Heidi fall asleep in her seat—something that only seemed to be characteristic of Kenny.  If it had not been the careful prodding of Tweek beside her, she was almost sure that she would have slammed her head on the desk, sleep overtaking her.

    Meekly, Heidi turned to her savior, head propped on her hands, giving him a weak smile of thanks.  In response, the nervous, twitchy boy tried his best to return the gesture.  While their teacher’s back was turned, a folded wad of paper soon made its way onto her desk.  It was cute, Heidi thought, the two of them using such an archaic way to communicate during class.  Sure, they were friends online; just as everyone in school was.  However, there was something intimate, open, and honest the way Heidi pulled each corner with care as Tweek’s shaky handwriting slowly came to view.

**Is Kenny okay?  I didn’t see him this morning.  And, you two are always together.**

    Making sure that she looked like she was paying attention to the lecture—the only real way to pass notes in class—Heidi replied carefully and a bit too candidly.  Though she should have thought better of it and been more hesitant about what she would pass onto Tweek, she could not help but pour part of herself in the letter.

_He’s fine.  He had a family emergency yesterday so he’s just tired is all.  Thanks for asking, though.  I’m sure he would appreciate people wanting to know how he was doing._

**No problem.  I know Kenny is one to keep to himself.  Still, some of us notice when someone doesn’t show up for class.  How are you?  You’ve been going through some changes since the beginning of last year.**

_It’s called puberty, Tweek._

**Lol.  You know what I mean.  It makes me happy that you seem to be getting back to your old self.  Even if you do look different.**

_I don’t think I do?  Elaborate?_

**Like, you’re much happier looking.  You don’t look sad all the time anymore.  And, I know we haven’t always been close friends, but it makes me happy to know you’re okay.**

_How does it make you happy?  I’m still the old me; just some newer improvements._

**I dunno.  The other’s might not have noticed… You just seemed different from middle school.  Just watching you from a distance, it kind of gives me hope.**

_What do you mean?_

**Like, if you can overcome your stuff, maybe I won’t always be this weird kid who’s jumpy all the time.**

_But, that’s what makes you Tweek.  Don’t you want to celebrate that?_

**Maybe.  But, it’s lonely sometimes having to be by myself because literally, everything makes me nervous.**

_I can understand that.  Just because I’ve changed though, doesn’t mean that I still don’t struggle._

**What do you mean?**

_I might have changed how I look on the outside, but I still have my scars.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried just to ignore them._

**Metaphorically, or literally?**

_Both?_

    Heidi was shocked at how forthcoming she was being with Tweek.  It was liberating, knowing someone who could relate in a way that perhaps Kenny could not.  However, part of her was afraid because of how vulnerable she was.  Who was to say that Tweek would not go back and tell all his friends about everything?  She wanted to believe that he would not.  Still, she could not help but feel the all too familiar chill creeping up her neck.

_I_ **f you ever want to talk, you can always text me or something.  By the end, I might need more calming down than you, but I can try my best.**

_Thank you, Tweek.  That means a lot.  I would like that._

    As Heidi tossed back the once more folded paper between the two of them, she could have sworn that she saw the slight trace of a grin.  Tweek did have his moments, she remembered, but all around, he had always been a good kid.  There was a purity in how he was concerned for her, even if that concern was hidden away for years.  Before he was able to send a note back to her, the bell rung.  As students stood to either head to their next class or for the first lunch period, Heidi slowly gathered her things, waiting to see if Tweek would say anything else to her.  Or, if they would go back to secret communication like she and Kenny had done before it seemed acceptable for the two of them to hang out during school hours casually.

    “I-I was thinking, you have lunch now, right?”  Tweek spoke up, holding his textbook close to his hips.

    “Yeah,” Heidi answered easily, waiting patiently for him to continue.

    “D-did you want to sit with us?  I know I-I would like it… Token and Clyde would secretly want to know how you were doing too.”

    “What about Craig?”  She joked as they left the barren classroom together, heading towards the growing crowded lunch room.

    “He’s Craig,” Tweek replied, a sweet smile twitching nervously at the mention of his dark headed friend's name.  “He will probably give you an eye and shrug with indifference.”  Heidi chuckled at the accurate description of Craig Tucker.  There was a peace that was making its way into her chest, the unnatural thought of being able to be at ease while hanging out with anyone other than her girlfriends or with Kenny.  Was this how it felt to be a part of her classmates again?  Together, Heidi and Tweek hurriedly grabbed trays of food before making their way towards a table that had been claimed by Craig since the start of their freshman year.

    It was odd, Heidi thought, that the clacking of trays against the cheap paneling of the cafeteria tables was almost absent in her ears, much unlike the year before when it would resonate so deeply with her, that she would almost find it impossible to focus on anything else.  But, as she made herself comfortable, ignoring the curious eyes from the boys that Tweek had said would be fine with her sitting there, Heidi quickly made herself at home, trying her best to make conversation.

    “Hey Token, Clyde.  Craig.  How are you guys?”  She watched as they exchanged glances to each other, taking a forkful of fruit while she waited for answers.

    “We’re alright,” Token spoke up, “How are you?”


End file.
